Getting personal


Dear Hillary,

Following on in the vein of that naughty man: ‘unbeliever’, may I ask the thorny question, ‘Are you actually a lady of the female gender?’ Your approach in your column seems very masculine to me; why don’t you publish a visual image inside your ‘heart’ at the top of your column, unless you look like Claire Raynor or Marge Proops? Are you going to give me a literary lashing for my cheek, wearing only thigh-length boots, a thong and nipple tassles (sic), like Madame Whiplash? Ooh, I hope so.

Submissively yours, John Thomas.

Dear Submissive John Thomas,

May I ask the thorny question, ‘Do you really have a John Thomas?’ What have I done to engender doubts on my gender? Your approach seems very British to me, being so disrespectful to my sisters in The Sun and The Daily Mirror, such newspapers known for their consistent high standards. Or should I say, standards. And who are you referring to in the thigh-high boots? You or me? By the way, before you get too excited with your verbal imagery, it’s ‘tassel’, not ‘tassle’, Petal. I will publish my photograph the day you get photos of your John Thomas published in these pages.