Last month was Valentine’s Day. The 14th of February has been and gone and I didn’t get one from anyone. Not a one! Being as handsome as I am, I was sure that the postman would be weighed down with cards and suchlike, but he either missed my mailbox, or dropped my mail off in the klong because it must have been too heavy. How was your Valentine’s Day, Hillary? I hope it was better than mine. I feel that nobody loves me, and I don’t know why! It isn’t that I only date one woman, but being a healthy young man (OK middle-aged) I expected that many of my ladies would send me a card at least. Don’t women send cards in this country?
Dear Gorgeous George,
What a blow to the ego February 14 must have been for you! Not left waiting at the altar, but left waiting at the letterbox. I hope you wore a face mask so the neighbors didn’t spot it was you. What a fate, and the whole street probably saw you there as well. Oh my goodness! However, Hillary has the answer for you, my handsome Petal. Next year post some cards to yourself and you can noisily take them out after the postman has been, so everyone in the street knows you got some in 2018. The only other way to go about filling the letterbox is to stop being such a smug, self-opinionated bore, and people will start to like you, and some may send you a real Valentine’s Day card. How was my day? Absolutely wonderful, stack of cards and flowers, though it was somewhat strange – most of the cards were addressed to “George”. Where exactly do you live? Close to my office?