Dear Hillary,

What is the rate of teenage pregnancies in Thailand? All these girls in the bars seem to have one or two anklebiters, and they’re only 17 or 18 themselves! Maybe if the government supplied them contraceptives instead of electronic tablets it might be better. What do you think, Hillary, you always seem to have the answers to everything and everybody.

Jacques

Dear Jacques,

Thank you for your vote of confidence, but it isn’t all that easy. I agree with you that if you could break the early pregnancy cycle then there isn’t the same reasons for the girls to take up bar work. Mind you, then grandmother doesn’t get the 5,000 baht each month from the mother of the child who works in a “restaurant” in Pattaya making 6,000 baht a month. I don’t necessarily agree that government supplied condoms is the answer either. What I believe needs to be done is to teach sex education in the schools from the age of 12 years, so that these girls and boys can start to assume some responsibility for their actions. Rumpy-pumpy is never “free”. It might even stop the young men “fleeing the scene”!

Dear Hillary,

I will admit I’m what you call a “balloon chaser”, but there are many reasons for this. You would have read the readers letters to your newspaper and seen all the discontented British pensioners there are here. Frozen benefits and the pound sterling going down like a lead balloon. We are doing it tough, Hillary. You would go chasing free roast pig too, when you’ve really got to count the pennies. It probably doesn’t mean much to you, being a working woman, but don’t you forget we are only pensioners. What we got ten years ago was OK to live on over here, but with the pension fixed we can’t keep going. The embassy says they can’t help. What can we do? Who can we turn to?

Bob the Balloon Chaser

Dear Bob the Balloon Chaser,

I may as well be a pensioner, Bob my Petal, as I can assure you that you don’t get much sitting in an attic reading heart-rending letters, yours included. I’m afraid there’s nothing much I can do for you, as your financial predicament is a situation that you have chosen. You can always go back to the UK, where your pension will be eventually unfrozen, but then, you will be frozen. Your choice, Bob. Your choice. Sorry I can’t help you either.

Dear Hillary,

I think my Thai wife is two timing me. When I go off-shore I leave my motorcycle in the garage. Being a British bike, I expect some drops of oil on the garage floor, but recently, on the last two trips, the garage floor is oil-spotless. The only way this could happen is if someone has taken the bike away while I’m off-shore. Is my wife giving it away? If she is, why doesn’t she tell me about it? Or does she have a Thai boyfriend waiting till I say goodbye every month? Why she would do this is beyond me as I give her everything she wants, gold chains and everything. I really cannot think of any other reason for the garage floor to be so clean. Do you think the seals have taken up, or what is happening? Is there another logical answer?

Bazza

Dear Bazza,

Sorry to disappoint you, Petal, but none of your suppositions are correct. I am told that seals don’t “take up” while a bike is not being used. The seals dry out and the leaks become far more, well that’s what Somchai, the leader of the motorcycle push on the corner of my street tells me. Somchai also tells me that you should check the odometer - the thingy that tells you how many km you have done. That will tell you right away if the bike has been used. Anyway, the more likely reason that there are no tell-tale oil drops is the fact that there is no oil left. Check that first before doing DNA tests on the saddle.

Dear Hillary,

This should be an easy one for you, but the answer escapes me at present. I have met a lovely young thing at my local, and I am looking at setting up house with her and her brother. They live together with their mother. Presently they share a motorcycle which he uses for doing deliveries round the town, but I notice it is unregistered. Would it be OK to buy them a new motorcycle, or would this be looked upon as being a bit forward? And what brand do you suggest?

Eric

Dear Eric,

You do sound like an older chap, so I suggest you marry the mother, who will be closer to your age group. Don’t worry about the brother’s motorcycle as the police will confiscate it after they find what he delivers. Please tell me that you are pulling my leg, Petal, though I have seen equally as hopeless situations in real life.