Dear Hillary,

I plan to visit Pattaya in the near future. A friend of mine has recommended Thailand and Thai women. He said that I could learn something about the country by reading Pattaya Mail. I must say that after reading your column and Pattaya Mail a couple of weeks, I am confused and somewhat scared. What is the best way to prepare myself for meeting a nice woman? Learning Thai? Vaccination? Start in another place than Pattaya?

Curious Viking

Dear Curious Viking,

I am delighted to hear from you, and if my column has made you just a little cautious, that is good. Unfortunately many of your fellow oarsmen rush into battle here waving their short axes (though I am told some are quite large), and get brought undone by the fair Thai ladies (though some are quite dark)!

As far as meeting “nice” Thai ladies is concerned, a smattering of Thai language skills will delight the local ladies, but unfortunately there is no vaccine to stop young Vikings falling in love with something small and brown with long black hair. You have been warned.

Now, to be sensible, if you are going to be here for a few weeks only, you will find many girls willing to be your (paid) guide - just don’t fall in love. If you are contemplating a long stay and are looking for your life’s partner, that will take a very long time. “Nice” Thai ladies are shy, extremely polite and live at home with their parents. They are not to be found hanging from chrome poles in their underwear.

Enjoy your time here, Curious Viking, as I am sure you will.

Dear Mr Hillary,

Because I suspect you (sic) possibly an Aussie male. Have you thought about taking a holiday back to your country of origin, possibly for at least ten years, I feel that you have been here for far to long and reading many of your responses in your letters, it’s begining (sic) to affect your judgement (sic) and like many Farangs that live here, you really are losing the plot old boy, Ive (sic) seen this condition many times here. ive (sic) been living here off and on for twenty years, but as Kiplin (sic) said east is east, west is west never the twain shall be (sic), you may like to ponder a little on that one. It’s a shame that your column does nt (sic) discuss some positive Topics on Thailand instead of all the falang Bar bull… stories that give the girls working hard in the bars to support their families a bad name it really is that simple something one day you may like to explain to your correspondents, as I say your (sic) probably an aussie (sic) and myself being English and very cultured you will probably not catch my drift Old Boy.

Yours in the real world

Ron, Phuket Thailand

Dear Ron,

As you can see, I did not print your entire name, just in case I embarrassed you. Despite the English culture that you are so proud of, you made 10 elementary mistakes, writing in your native tongue and all. Thank you for wanting me to have a holiday, but I’m sorry, Australia is not my country of origin, though I have visited there, so you got it wrong (again). However, I have also visited England a few times to brush up on my English. And Italy and Fiji, if that helps.

By the way, if you wish to quote someone famous to back up your argument, no matter how thin and weak, the least you could do is to get the name correct. It is Rudyard Kipling, and his ‘Ballad of East and West’ is the poem by Kipling that was first published in 1889. Its first line is often quoted (as you attempted to), sometimes as an example of attitudes to ethnicity; but those who quote it thus often completely miss the third and fourth lines (as you obviously have). And just for you, Ron my English Rose, here is the poem in full, since I am sure you have never read it:

“Oh, East is East and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,

Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God’s great Judgment Seat;

But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,

When two strong men stand face to face, though they come from the ends of the earth!”

As you can see, what Kipling wrote was not as you have tried to show. You may like to ponder a little on that one! Kipling was showing that it makes no difference where one comes from, when the “two strong men stand face to face.”

Just in case your “culture” misses some of the important mistakes, when making a contraction of “you are”, it is “you’re”, and “I have” is written “I’ve”, and it is spelled “beginning” and “judgment”. I won’t go on, you can look the others up by yourself, in between being irrationally smug.