Dear Hillary,
Hasn’t it been cold recently. Thought I was back in TX for a while there. Anyway I’ve got myself a great little bed warmer, but here’s the problem - I am going back Stateside in February next year, and much as I’d like to have her along, I know that bed warmer wouldn’t get a visa from the folks at Uncle Sam’s place here in Bangkok. I will be back later in the year, probably around July/August, so what should I do with bed warmer in between times? I have my own condo here, all paid for and the like, but should I let her stay there? I hear all these dreadful stories about the girl renting out the apartment and keeping the money, or having parties every night with her Isaan friends and stinking the place out with the herbs they all eat. Or should I just call it quits and lock the place up?
Harvey

Dear Harvey,
You are obviously not totally committed to your bed warmer, and since the weather will be warmer in February, the need for such close company will not be so strong either. So to answer your questions - since the relationship is not a deep one, you will be better off closing the condo (and changing the lock, Petal), and it will all be there when you come back. But please let bed warmer know that she has been replaced by an electric blanket!

Dear Hillary,
Lots of long faces everywhere, but not mine. I think many people talk themselves into feeling down, but I read you every week and I always get a smile, reading about how these guys end up in the same sort of trouble every week. How do you keep a straight face some days, Hillary? Have a great Christmas and New Year. I’m stuck in the US this year, but I’ll be over later in 2012 and I’ll bring some bubbles and bon-bons with me. All the best.
Chuck

Dear Chuck,
Thank you, my Petal, for being a regular reader, and I shall await the promised bubbles and baubles. As you say, there are plenty of long faces around, especially with the downturn from the floods, but by staying positive you have a much greater chance of finding the way through the financial mess. By the way, don’t worry about chilling the wine, the fridge in my office works well, but keep the bon-bons in a cool place!

Dear Hillary,
My wife and I have been together for 10 years now, and it has slipped into a fairly boring relationship. I look around and I see great looking ladies everywhere, with many of them making it very obvious they would be happy to be my “Mia Noy”. Somebody new would certainly put some excitement back in my life. How do I break the news to my wife that I want a minor wife? I know lots of men with minor wives, but I don’t want to ask them whether the number 1 wife knows about it.
Jerry

Dear Jerry,
A swashbuckling adventurer are you? Believe in living dangerously do we, my Petal? You are looking at some options which are strewn with physical problems, which are all in store for you. Have you heard the saying “cut it off and feed it to the ducks”? Well that was the old method of rewards for men who kept minor wives and that was when households kept ducks. Now it is much more of a problem for the men who stray, with the food blenders that every household has these days substituting for the ducks. Pureed penis doesn’t bear thinking about, does it. So there you have it Petal, you can take the risk (as you say there are plenty of ladies looking for a sponsor), or you can buckle down and work out how to put some sparkle back into the relationship. Up to you!

Dear Hillary,
A few weeks ago a guy wrote asking whether you thought his letters to his Thai girlfriend had got through as he had gotten no reply. This is a real problem, as I have had letters go missing many times when I have posted them from overseas to my girlfriend in Pattaya. It is not only Pattaya, as letters I have sent to girls in Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Korat, Khon Kaen and Phuket have also gone missing. It is very worrying when you don’t get anything back.
Sandy

Dear Sandy,
Are you really serious, or are you trying to impress me with how many Thai girlfriends you have? The answer to all your problems is called the email system. You can write away to your heart’s content and be happy in the knowledge that all the Nois, Aoys and Toys will get your undying love - though you will obviously have to do yours with a CC to Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Korat, Khon Kaen, Phuket, etc, because I am sure you are far too busy to write separate emails! Only problem is getting the A drive to accept the $100 banknotes that will be asked for!