Dear Hillary,
I’m still trying to work out what’s going down in my local shopping center. There’s these two babes who are always there every afternoon and I’m on chatting terms with them. I sort of suggest that maybe we could go and have a good time together and they don’t say no, but they don’t say yes either. I’ve told them that I’m good for the pair of them (I’m a very fit 22 year old) and they make jokes about that too. I’m getting frustrated with all this teasing, so how do I know what they really mean? After all they are in the center at any time, so they can’t be holding down jobs.
Frustrated Freddie

Dear Frustrated Freddie,
The answer is staring you in the face, young 22 year old testosterone-fuelled Freddie. They are certainly teasing you. They have no intention of going anywhere with you, no matter how virile you think you are. Have you stopped to think that perhaps both of them have boyfriends which sponsor them from overseas. I have always found that young men rate themselves far too highly. They don’t need your 22 year old ego, or the miserable amount you would be prepared to offer them (as you believe they are going to swoon at the thought of all that sex drive parceled in one muscle rippled body). You did use the correct word in your email when you mentioned “all this teasing.” Move to another shopping center, my Petal.

Dear Hillary,
You’ve told everyone about the books they should read when they come here on holidays, or even before they get here, but they still fall over like nine pins. What is the Thai girls’ secret? Or what is the reason these guys lose their brains and give everything to some girl who is only pretending to be interested in them? One chap I know has been taken in three times already and he’s only been here six months. Three cars, three houses and all the other extras, and even the family buffalo got in on the act. Thailand is a great place, but I only recommend coming over to my more mature friends. It is too dangerous for the younger ones.
Gerald

Dear Gerald,
You can’t live other people’s lives for them, my Petal. There are plenty of “mature” farangs who have been swayed by the youngsters from the beer bars, complete with the pauper parents in poor health and buffaloes on a bummer and in need of intensive care and burial. The problem is not so much the girls in Thailand but the society these men come from. “Kid in the candy shop” describes their actions while they are here, as they cannot find such freedom in their own countries, or with their own countrywomen. It’s sad, but finally everyone has their own destiny, and neither you nor I can change that. Just be there to catch your mature friends if they fall.

Dear Hillary,
You are always telling people that they should learn Thai if they are living here for some time, and I agree with your sentiments. I have retired here, but at my age (70), I find it very difficult to learn a new language at my time in life. Is there any quick way of doing this, or do you have any special tips for people trying to learn this Thai language?
Alex

Dear Alex,
It is a problem I know, but if you are retired and not working, then there is one quick (but none of them are easy) way to learn. It’s called Total Immersion and my language teacher friends all tell me it is the quickest, and has been proved to work all over the world. What you have to do is to go and stay in a village up country in a little local hotel and put yourself into the situation that you have to speak Thai or starve! Do not go to the areas which cater for tourists and 70 year old retirees. I am told that in six weeks you will have picked up reasonable Thai and you are on your way to complete mastery of the tongue. You will also probably have picked up a small language teacher. Lots of luck and “Chok dii, Kha”.

Dear Hillary,
Some days when I read your column you really can be terribly bitchy. Why are you like this? These people are only asking for help. Surely you could try a little bit of the milk of human kindness for a change.
Eugene

Dear Eugene,
What on earth would make you think I get bitchy? What a terrible thing to say, my Petal! But I do get bitchy when I have to answer ridiculous obvious questions like yours. I agree though, you certainly do need help, but I doubt if you’d like the rubber room and the funny sleeveless tight jacket. Best to steer clear of me till next week. And if you’re going to pop over, pick up a bottle of the special milk, you could try 7-Eleven, I suppose.