Dear Hillary,
I am obsessed with fat women, the bigger the better (size 16 and better). This makes for a problem as Thai ladies are all so small (size 8) that I am getting frustrated on a daily basis. I’m not interested in these thin ones, so I’m lonely. What should I do? Keep looking for a suitable girlfriend who’s a bit on the hefty side (I am 36 stone)?
Avoirdupois

Dear Avoirdupois,
You certainly do have a problem, my fat Petal. That problem is yours, at 228 kg. You’re lonely not because all the local ladies are size 8, but because what size 8 wants to go out with 228 kg? Face it, you are being rejected by them, not the other way round. The way I see it, you have two choices - keep looking for a size 16 lady - slimming clubs would be a good place to start, or start slimming yourself and get down to about half of your current weight and find a nice accommodating size 8. However, if your problem comes from too much chocolate, just send the unopened chocolate bars over to the Pattaya Mail office, clearly marked “For Hillary and nobody else!”

Dear Hillary,
My Thai GF says she is leaving me after two months of living with me. She says I am ‘keenieow’ and won’t let her do anything she wants, so she’s going. No more discussions, just going. I done everything for her, let her live with me in a great condo, maid three times a week, have her family over a couple of times, let her buy clothes using my account, I let her have B. 5,000 every second week too. I reckon I’ve spoiled her too much. Do you think that’s the problem?
Tim

Dear Tim,
Sorry Petal, but you have been restrictive to her in the relationship. You have not spoiled her at all, in my opinion. You really have been ‘keenieow’ (translates as “stingy”). You “let her” live in your condo, you “let her” buy clothes, you “let her” have an allowance … in other words, you controlled everything. Thai girls do not like being restricted or controlled. You are not ready for a permanent relationship with anyone Tim. Stick to short term liaisons till you grow up a bit. That’s the boy.

Dear Hillary,
I’ve been meaning to write this email for some time, but always gets pushed onto the back burner, until now. There have been a few guys who have written in defending the Thai ladies, and this is another of those. Da and I have been an item for 15 years and married for the last 13 of them. We have three kids, the eldest 17 from Da’s previous marriage and our two 13 and 11. We lived in the States for six years and we had some problems with the neighborhood accepting our mixed marriage, but things are better now than it was in those days.

After I retired we came back to Thailand to live as Da and I felt that Thailand was a better place to grow our kids, and we have not regretted that decision.

Sure there are some problems, but there always are, aren’t there? Nothing that we haven’t been able to talk through, so I just wanted to say that meeting and marrying Da has been the best thing in my life, and to all those guys out there who are reading all the terrible things that can happen to anyone, I say just take it slow, get to know the girl and see if she really is the one for you, and then enjoy life with a good woman who will look after you for the rest of your life.
Jerry

Dear Jerry,
Thank you for your very sensible email. You did what I expect every man should do - look critically at the situation, keep your brains inside your skull and use them, and take your time. If she is the right one for you, she will also be looking at you to see if she wants to spend her life with you as well. A good marriage is always a two way street.

Dear Hillary,
I spotted my boss’s wife in a Boys Town bar the other night. She and a friend were flirting with a couple of the boys, laughing and groping the two boys (dancers at the club). They didn’t see me, so I quietly slipped out. Should I tell my boss about her? Or should I tell her that I saw her when she comes in to do the salaries each month? Not sure what’s the best, Hillary.
Vicky

Dear Voyeur Vicky,
You didn’t tell me in your letter just what you were doing there either, my spying Petal. Quite honestly, what your boss’s wife was doing there is none of your business. Her husband was probably in one of the girly bars next door, for all you know. The answer is for you to forget about it and let people have their fun.