Dear Hillary,

Hardly a week goes by without the KOTW person wanting to tell us all about how he lives in Thailand. I don’t know what you think about him, but he seems to me to be more of a KOTM (Keeper Of The Money) person than anything else. That seems to be his wife’s money too. I am ignoring that he can’t spell (and I hope I haven’t made any errors with this email, Hillary. If I have, forgive me). Is there some way we can raise his watering hole level to a real bar, and not sitting on the steps outside the 7-Eleven?
KOTS (Keeper Of The Sanity)

Dear KOTS,
Everything finally reaches its own level Petal, and if KOTW’s level is sitting on the steps outside a 7-Eleven, then so be it. It is not up to you or me to try and change these things. You will find that the course of history cannot be changed by us mere mortals. He is to be pitied, rather than scorned.

Dear Hillary,
Do you believe in free love? I cannot decide whether you are a prude, or someone very liberated. Your replies are never consistent. Tell me where you lie and make me happy.
Lover-Boy

Dear Lover-Boy,
I think that “Boy” is all you should use. I don’t think you have matured enough yet to handle nudity, prudity or serendipity. However, in answer to your query about free love, I do not believe in paying for it, though at my age it is coming close! And where do I lie? On my bed, sweet petunia. On my bed.

Dear Hillary,
Sorry I had to send this letter by motorcycle taxi, but I was afraid you might recognize me if I delivered it by myself. As you will see when you read it, my problem comes in trying to find out if my Thai GF is being true and faithful to me, or maybe two-timing while I am away for six weeks at a time (I work off-shore). I am suspicious because every time I ring her it rings through, but then she rings me back 10 minutes later and says she was having som tam and had left the phone in her handbag. If I question this, she always has a girlfriend there who tells me that they were having so much fun they didn’t hear the phone. She also needs to know exactly the time I will get back to Thailand - makes me think there is someone else in the house who has to vacate before I get back. What do you think about me getting back early one month? I am getting all screwed up inside, thinking about it all when off shore.
Sandman

Dear Sandman,
You did not tell me how long has your relationship been going. Is this something new, or have you been together for years? There must be more to it than just not picking up the phone when you ring. You have left out too many details, Sandy. From what you have told me, there is nothing to get worried about - but give me the full story. I don’t think that getting back early would achieve much either. Even if there was somebody in the house, they could be genuine relatives staying for a couple of days. How would you know? There are private investigators if you want to spend the money, but sit down first and look at the situation and then make up your mind as to whether you really have a problem, or is this something related to yourself and your attitudes and expectations?

Dear Hillary,
My maid seems to be afraid of all time-saving appliances. I have tried to show her how to use the simple microwave and the convection oven, but she will not use either, despite smiling and saying she understands every time. When we have people over for dinner she gets her sister and auntie to come and help, and they sit on the floor of the kitchen with her and prepare the food. I am terrified that one of my guests will see this one day, even though the food is always very nice. How do I get around this problem?
Marjorie

Dear Marjorie,
You really haven’t got a problem at all, Petal. As you say, your maid cooks you very nice meals, so does it matter if she sits on the floor to do it? I am sure that she cleans the kitchen floor too, so it will be spotlessly clean. It is also very common for Thai people to call in assistants, and family is always best, when they have to prepare for a large party. If the food takes a little long in coming, just have some savories and dips to ward off the hunger pangs in the guests, and relax and enjoy. You will not change a Thai maid into a western short-order cook, no matter how many times you show her the microwave! “Thai” means “free” and maids need their freedom to cook the way they always have done.