Dear Hillary,

Is this Singha Jerry for real? I was thinking he might even have been that Mister Singha guy who used to write in with drivel every week. Glad he’s gone. He’s a fine one to complain about other people’s spellings. His is the worst you’ve had recently. Thanks for the fun column each week.
Carlsberg (it’s back) Ken

Dear Carlsberg (it’s back) Ken,
Glad you like the column, Petal. I can only keep trying to keep you amused. I don’t think Singha Jerry and Mistersingha (he used to spell it as all one word) are one and the same. As the T-shirt says “Same, same - but different!” And yes, I was told that Carlsberg has returned to our shores, not that I really cared. I am a champagne drinker, as you would also know - when someone nice sends me a bottle (or two). It’s far too far out of my budget, I’m afraid.

Dear Hillary,
One of the women at work told me she needed some money as deposit for a unit close to work. It wasn’t much, only 4,500 baht, so I gave her 5,000 baht. I didn’t expect it back. Just a gift and I forgot about it after she said she had moved in to her new place. About a couple of months later she left the job, but came back to see me as she was waiting to be paid and was behind in the rent, so I stumped up for another 1,500 baht. She saw me a couple of weeks later and said everything was going fine, but that didn’t last too long as she came back again this week with another tale of woe. I realize I’m being played as a sucker here, Hillary, but how should I deal with it. I don’t want to be bad friends with anybody. Not in my nature.
Wally

Dear Wally,
Wally the wallet, you have certainly been tagged as a soft touch, haven’t you, my Petal. There’s no secret in what to do here, and you know it already. Just say “No”. You can do it nicely, by saying you are a bit short this month yourself, and that’s all. She will find someone else, just the same way as she found you! But learn something from it. OK? Charity may start at home - but that’s at your home, not hers.

Dear Hillary,
Is there any real way to tell if these Thai girls really fancy you, or is it just an act? I have met a nice one, we get along well together and we went to Phuket for a week and that was good, she says she loves me, but I’ve heard all this before and it was all just lies. I’d like to think this one is for real, but what is the way to find out? Help me Hillary before I get in too deep and get disappointed again.
James

Dear James,
I presume you met this young lady in a bar somewhere, James, as it is not so easy to get a girl holding down a good job from a traditional Thai family to just take a week off and go to Phuket with a foreigner she doesn’t really know all that well. This being the case, you always have to take into account that protestations of “love” are the bar girl’s stock in trade. Once she thinks she has you snared, then what you have to look out for are mothers with health problems requiring expensive medicines, brothers with broken legs, fathers with cancer and buffalos with hoof rot. All these conditions can only be cured with large lumps of money - yours! So in a nutshell, the “way to find out” is to listen to the requests for financial assistance. If they include help for family members, then that is the time for you to consider slipping on the running shoes. Got the message, Petal?

Dear Hillary,
I am thinking about buying a motorcycle but all the reports about theft has stopped me. Is it really as bad as people say? Is it worse than the UK for example? Have you any ideas on how to make a motorcycle “thief proof” or should I just stick to baht busses?
Valentino

Dear Valentino,
Motorcycle theft is a problem all over the world. Not just here. In fact, I believe that theft is so commonplace in the UK that you would be very lucky if you didn’t get your car or bike stolen at some time. The answer is to be vigilant and lock the bike securely. Mind you, you can never be 100 percent secure. One chap in the UK chained the front wheel of his expensive sports car to a lamp post but when he returned the car was gone. The front wheel was still chained to the lamp post, as all the villains had done was jack the car up and put on the spare wheel and drive away! With bikes you have the additional problem of it being easy to throw it in the back of a pick-up. A good chain and a stout padlock and attach it to something solid seems to be the answer. But not to the car parked next to you!