Dear
Hillary,
I am having dreadful problems trying to buy a second-hand
car. I don’t have much to spend, but I want a good one, and I think that my B.
100,000 budget should be sufficient. I have trudged in and out of so many car
sales outlets, I am starting to recognize the faces of the sales executives, but
it is obvious they only want to steer me in the direction of cars five times my
budget. Have you any foolproof way to make sure I don’t buy a lemon?
Charlie
Dear Charlie,
Dare I say it, “cheap” Charlie? I do believe that your budget is a little on the
low side but I can help you to avoid buying a lemon. Firstly, my parsimonious
(like that word?) Petal, don’t go buying a car in the fruit market, because
that’s where they sell lemons. Secondly, see if there is any warranty with the
car (and that’s a written warranty). Thirdly, go to the Classified ads section
of this newspaper and see if there is a listing of the car you want, and if not,
put an ad in the ‘Wanted’ section. There is more than just people on the run in
this town in the wanted section! I also suggest you take a trusted Thai friend
with you when you are looking at cars in the lots.
Dear Hillary,
I suffer from an ‘airy bottom’ if you get the drift of my
query to you (quite different from a ‘hairy bottom’ please). In the private
confines of my own salon at home, this does not produce a problem, but at the
office with the usual loo under the stairs, and the staff all queuing up behind
me, it becomes very embarrassing. The office girls are already looking askance
at me, and some have even begun spraying air-fresh after my visit. Have you any
suggestions that can help?
Windy
Dear Windy,
The answer to your melodious but malodorous problem is not easy, my Petunia. It
sounds (if you’ll excuse the pun) like you may have to take evasive rather than
evacuative action here. Where is the closest large hotel relative to your
office? When in desperation, Hillary has always found that by striding purposely
through the foyer of the nearest hotel and heading towards the far right corner
you will usually find a toilet. Whilst not in the privacy of your own ‘salon’ as
you so nicely put it, at least no-one knows who is playing the bugle in the next
stall. As far as a long term ‘cure’ is concerned, this is well out of my
territory, but I would recommend you find a copy of the book Le Petomaine (long
out of print, so try Amazon dot com) as the author had the same problem as you,
but used it to his advantage to make a large amount of money. He is quoted as
having farted his way to a fortune, so there is a noisy but financial future
ahead for you, my Petal. You will need to have some satin shorts made with
allowance made for exhaust gas escape, but the book has the description you
need.
Dear Hillary,
Valentine’s Day is coming up next month and I would like to show my interest in
getting to know a Thai girl a bit better, more than just shop talk. She works in
a department store and is always very pleasant when I talk to her, but I’ve been
going slow as I don’t want her to think that I am like all the other ‘kiss and
run’ foreigners. Do Thais celebrate Valentine’s Day? If so, it would be an ideal
opportunity, but at the same time, I don’t want to embarrass her (or myself), if
that would be the wrong thing to do.
Valentine Victor
Dear Valentine Victor,
I am so pleased, Petal. There are still some romantic men out there. It is just
a shame I don’t meet any! Of course Thai women celebrate Valentine’s Day, Petal.
You must know by now that Thai people celebrate everything! However, you still
have to tread slowly. Your problem is that your lady may not even know of your
dreams, she may just be being polite. Have you thought of that. In this Land of
Smiles, there are many different smiles to mean all kinds of different things.
But back to your problem and Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day cards are
traditionally unsigned, so you run the risk of her thinking it came from your
arch rival Police Constable Pisinurai. But be brave, a faint heart ne’er won a
fair lady (or even a dusky one). Put your mobile phone number in the card and
see if you really ring her bell. Lots of luck!
Dear Hillary,
I have not been here very long, but after two weeks I have now got a steady
girlfriend. She has invited me to go up to her village for a couple of days and
stay with her mother in her mother’s house. Now she is talking about buying a TV
set for the folks, but I get the feeling it is me who is going to buy this. Am I
being played for a sucker?
Newbie
Dear Newbie,
Yes you are. Run now!
