Dear Hillary,

As it gets closer to Crissy (sic) time I notice the begging starting again for French champaine (sic) and Belgan (sic) chocolates. Why don’t you just give up? Nobody is going to send a 100 year old agony aunt champaine (sic) and chocolates and you should just learn to cop it sweet, Petal. You’ll be buying your own again. Even the Nairod guy has given you up.
David

Dear David,
Well aren’t you just the milk of human kindness. And what’s this “Crissy time”? It’s Christmas or Xmas, and about time you knew it and how to spell it. Add to that, write out 100 times the correct spellings of “champagne” and “Belgian”. As penance you can send me two bottles of the bubbly as well … but that would be far too much for you to carry on your own. Being the time of goodwill, I shall ignore your nastiness, and just hope you have a better year in 2011 than you apparently had in 2010. As far as Nairod is concerned, I believe he had a nervous breakdown after I advised him to sleep on Sukhumvit Road - in the center lane.

Dear Hillary,
A couple of weeks ago some chap wrote to you about the situation where a foreigner rips off some Thai woman instead of the other way about. Was that for real? It amazes me that some Thai woman could actually let the relationship go on for so long, they are generally pretty well switched on. Tell me it wasn’t true. And did she get her car back?
Doubting Thomas

Dear Doubting Thomas,
That letter was most certainly true, though I used an alias to disguise the identity of the writer, as I do many times. Did she get the car back? Sorry, I can’t tell you, Petal, as the writer did not respond to my humble advice, but if he does I will let the readers know.

Dear Hillary,
I am thinking of having an affair with one of the girls at work. She is obviously up for it and gives me all the right signals, but is discreet enough, so that nobody has guessed that we have sneaked away for some fun and excitement. Only problem is that I have a live-in Thai GF and even though she seems OK with me going out on my own which I do a couple of times a week, I don’t know just how she would take it if she found I was with another woman. Your understanding of this type of thing is much better than mine - I don’t even understand western women, let alone Thai ones!
Living on the edge

Dear Living on the edge,
Have you ever heard the phrase ‘Cut it off and feed it to the ducks’? It happens frequently, Petal, and I’ll leave you to guess just what “it” is. You can always get the duck to cough it up, or make it into a duck stew, but Thai women have even more inventive methods of disposing of the “it” which has been visiting where “it” shouldn’t. The vegetable food processor makes it all pretty final. So if you want to run the risk of having to sit down to wee wee, just keep going. Lots of luck in finding “it”.

Dear Hillary,
I think I am being ripped off. My Thai wife has recently started to ask me for more money than she normally gets for housekeeping and the monthly wage I give her. It was just a few hundred baht here and there to start with, but now she needs thousands at a time. When I ask her why she needs the extra she gets sulky and when I really push her for an answer the best I get is “for family - you farang no understand.” Hillary, is there something here that I should understand, or what? I am getting very tired of the continual cash hand-outs.
Marc

Dear ATM Marc,
It sounds like there is lots you don’t understand. “Family” is important to a Thai and is one of the strongest bonds for the individuals in that family. Family keeps them together, family gets them over problems of all types, financial and otherwise. Your girlfriend may be returning money borrowed from before, or may also be helping her brother/mother/father/cousin (delete that which is not applicable) out of a jam. And on the other hand, she may be gambling with it, another very common Thai pastime. You really have to start communicating better with your girlfriend, Petal, if you want to know where the money goes. If she is the money manager for the household, sit down each week and discuss the family budget. If you do this in a non-threatening way, then you will find out where the money goes. If it ends up in sulkiness or accusations, then it is time to review the entire relationship and handle the housekeeping yourself. I also note you are paying her a “wage”. What is that for, Marc? Is she a wife or a “mia chow” (rented wife)? To me, your relationship seems to be based only on money, which is never a long-term basis. Time to review everything, my Petal.