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Heart to Heart with Hillary

 

Dear Hillary,
I have started to use the street corner motorcycle taxis recently and have two questions. Is it safe to use them? How much should I pay for shortish trips? I have found them very handy and they will drop me exactly where I want (especially off the baht bus routes), but I am a little concerned about the correct fare.

Marje

Dear Marje,

Prices of the motorcy trips have gone up recently, just like everything these days, Petal. Do bargain with them, but when you get somewhere close to 50 baht you are doing well. Always ask for a helmet, and hang on tight! If you feel your driver is going too fast, say “Cha cha” (slowly slowly) and insist he does slow, while beating him on the shoulder with your handbag.

Dear Hillary,

We live in Jomtien and often go to the beach there as it seems to be very popular with the Thais, as we see them swimming there a lot. Why do the Thai people wear clothes when they go into the sea? Sometimes it looks like shipwreck survivors from the Titanic. Some Thais wear bikinis, but they are in the minority. I even see them going in wearing jeans! Why, Hillary please tell us.

Swimsuit Sue

Dear Sue,

The urban myth is that the Thai women think that if a girl has brown skin it means she is a farmer’s daughter, out in the sun all day planting rice, so down the bottom of the society pecking order. Nothing as na๏ve as that in reality, my Petal. Thai women want to be like European females and buy skin whitening cream by the bucket load, get their noses elevated by the cosmeticians, dye their hair blonde, have it made curly and call themselves “super models”. So the answer is found in the inbuilt vanity or fear of not looking young and beautiful. That is why Thai women are doing ‘selfies’ every minute of every day! Incidentally, Western women want brown skin (that’s why there is so much of it on display) and dye their hair black and have it straightened.

Dear Hillary,

Why do the shops open so late in Pattaya? The main shopping centers officially open at 11, but many of the shops are still setting up at 11.30. I am sure they must lose an awful lot of business with this late opening. Can’t the shopkeepers get out of bed in time? I’m intrigued.

Dear Intrigued,

The shops open late because the sales girl slept in after singing in a karaoke bar till 5 in the morning and having to leave her motorcycle there because she was still too drunk to drive. It’s a hard life for shop openers! No, to be honest, there are two reasons why the shops open late. The first is that for Thai people a watch is a fashion accessory, not something to tell the time, and secondly. Pattaya is a night time city, and even the customers don’t get up till late.

Dear Hillary,

When I walk down to the end of the street, many of my neighbors say to me “Buy nai” (or that’s what it sounds like). Since I don’t speak much Thai I get embarrassed and just nod and keep walking. I thought “Sawasdee” was “Good Morning”, so what are they saying? Am I being rude by just nodding? I don’t want to look like a snobby foreigner.

Dear Snobby Foreigner,

Your neighbors are just being their usual friendly (and inquisitive) selves. “Bai nai” (usual spelling) is really just “Where are you going?” You do not have to say where you are going, you just reply “Going somewhere for fun” which is “Bai Tee-ow”.

Dear Hillary,

I see a lot of girls in my local shopping center, and many are quite nice. I see them resting on the seats. I know you say we older farangs should stay away from the bars, but will I find Miss Right in the shopping center? Or do I have to lie about my age (I’m a pensioner)? What should I do? I’m getting tired of being lonely. Should I get my hair dyed?

Lonely Lenny

Dear Lonely Lenny,

What shower did you come down in, my lonely Petal? Must have been the last one. Will you find Miss Right waiting on the bench for you at the supermarket? No Larry, you will only find Miss Take there. Mistake if you talk to her and Miss Take all your money by the time you reach the checkout counter. These are freelance girls who can disappear very easily and you will never find where she went or came from (other than Aisle B next to the hot dog counter). They are more dangerous than the girls from the bars. At least Hello Sexy Man bar will still be there tomorrow, and the mamasan knows the ID of her girls. As far as getting your hair dyed - forget about it, my Petal. It goes that charming color of ginger after two weeks.



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