Dear Hillary,
Don’t you think it is time you stopped asking for champagne and chocolates? I am sure nobody actually sends any to you, or you would be telling us readers all about it! Come clean, old Petal. When was the last time you dined on champagne?
Doubting Thomas

Dear Doubting Thomas,
First off, you should have better manners and respect your elders. No more of this “old Petal” if you don’t mind. Second, I do not reveal my private life to just anyone who sends me an email, particularly fairly insulting ones at that too. Third, you don’t “dine” on champagne, you “drink” champagne. And if you are a regular reader you would know that there are several people who look after Hillary, such as Big D from the USA, who never fails to send me over some goodies. As far as you, Thomas, you will remain in my bad books until suitable peace offerings are delivered to the Pattaya Mail office, clearly marked “For Hillary”. Thank you.

Dear Hillary,
What is the real deal on getting married in the village? I came over last year and met a nice girl who looked after me for the two weeks. I did send her some money afterwards, but nothing regular. I let her know I am coming over again in December and she wants to know the dates as she wants to take me to her village where she says we can get married and that way I will know that she will always wait for me. She will stay in the village with her mother when I am not in Thailand. I reckon it’s all a bit rushed, but she really is a stunner and I like the idea of having her waiting for me, and I’d come over more often than just Xmas time. Looks great, but I’m just not 100 percent sure. What do you think?
Robert

Dear Robert,
I don’t know how old you are, but I get the feeling you are fairly young. You also did not say where you met your future “bride”, but I will guess in some bar or other. Sorry Petal, but you will be running for a huge disappointment if you go up country and marry your sweetheart that you have known all of two weeks. She won’t stay in the village, but will be luring some other young chap with the promise of marriage as well. These girls are very good at selling the dream. If it helps you to make up your mind, village weddings are not even recognized as legal weddings, even by the Thai government, let alone your own one. No Robert, don’t do it!

Dear Hillary,
I found the ideal girl. I learned to speak Thai, as you suggested. I met the parents. I met the grandparents. I met the girlfriends. I gave her 5,000 baht a month for her to spend on anything she wanted. Everything looked good until I suggested it was time to get hitched and then it all came out. She was married already to an American and was waiting for a visa to go there. Not a breath about anything before. No wonder this place gets a bad rep.
Jilted

Dear Jilted,
You thought you were doing everything by the book, didn’t you Petal. But you forgot to meet the family buffalo, which is higher up the social ladder than someone who is just another ATM, and not a very well filled ATM either. At the wonderful sum of B. 5,000 a month, you won’t even get a maid for that. You were played as a sucker (which you were). You are much better off without her, well at least B. 5,000 better off each month without her! Your ability in speaking Thai will always help you understand what is going on, but you will have to be wary in the future. Don’t rush in where buffalos fear to tread!

My wife (Thai) and me are looking at buying a little house in the country, for us to use when we go to visit her parents. Their house is wooden and very primitive, and I just can’t live there. My wife has been told she can’t own a house in her own name because she is married to a farang, and her last name is now also farang. I’m not allowed to buy it in my name, so what do we do? All sounds damn stupid to me.
Confused

Dear Confused,
The situation you describe with your wife’s ability to own house/land was once the case, but that was changed many years ago. She can own real estate in her own name. You are a different pail of potatoes, Petal. You can buy the house (under certain circumstances, investment companies, leases, etc.), but you cannot own the land it stands on. This is quite understandable, as otherwise China will have bought up all the land in Thailand, just like they are trying to do in New Zealand. Talk to a reliable real estate agent and/or a good lawyer. I know, I know, just keep looking!