Hi,
I just went through an experience that I will not soon forget. You see, I came to visit the land of smiles and thought I might meet the woman of my dreams, or at least a decent woman to share my time with. Well, wouldn’t you know it, but I did indeed meet that special woman in Pattaya - and what a dream come true. Over the course of the next six months, I returned to my home country, quit my job, sold everything, liquidated my saving/investment accounts and boarded that beautiful Thai Airways flight to the land where men are still adored and treated like kings! Well, fast forward to one year later and my lovely wife now lives alone in a mansion up north and kicked me out, even changing the locks so I can’t sleep in my own bed. I didn’t realize that all of the assets I brought over are now her property - as foreign guys like me can’t own property. Thank god I kept most of my net worth in gold, safely deposited in Singapore! Well, the thought of my dear wife living alone was too much to bear, so while she was away at a long lunch, I bought some petrol and burned our lovely house to the ground. She was, understandably, upset, so I promised her that I would build her an even bigger house in Singapore, where I had all of my other assets. I also promised that we could get married in Singapore and have our marriage fully legal, so she could have my assets if I died unexpectedly. Well, we moved on to Singapore and all was going perfectly well - we were scheduled to get married in a week. She had just received the insurance settlement from our house in Thailand and the funds were safe in my HSBC account in Singapore. Not the $150k I had invested, but still, $90k was better than nothing. Sadly, the night before our marriage, my dear Tip passed away, while taking a bubble bath in our apartment. I will never forget the sight of my dear wife, submerged in white bubbles... she looked so... peaceful. In my agony, I had to muster all my inner strength to manage and close out our affairs. Most sad was receiving the check for the life insurance policy I had taken out on my dear Tip. I know she would have wanted me to enjoy another shot at happiness, so I used that money ($300K USD) to fund my new life with my new girlfriend, Tan, in Vietnam. I rent a villa on the beach for $300/month and my $300k from Tip should last many years here. Tan and I are truly blessed to have found each other and perhaps God really did have a plan for me.
Elvis

Dear Elvis,
I think your God did certainly have a plan for you, and a fairly devious one at that! BTW, are you the ‘real’ Elvis, or just an impersonator, or did God send you back down again? However, you are indeed a lucky man, my Petal. Fall in a cesspit and you would come up covered in jam, I am sure. But back to your poor Tip, who obviously knew the housing bubble was going to burst, and decided to get out of the real estate market while she could, but the timing with the bubbles was a bit off ending up in submersion.
Of course, everyone reading this will want to know which insurance company you are with, as it seems very generous with the rapid payouts, and no questions asked. Perhaps death by bubbles is common in Singapore, I don’t know. I am also so pleased to see that you have fallen on your feet again, and I wish Tan and yourself all the best, but do take out insurance - you know just how important that insurance policy can be. Make sure you have a policy covering Tan against drowning. I have heard that some of those Vietnamese beaches can be quite treacherous, though most of the beach vendors will be happy to lend a hand for a few thousand Dong.

Dear Hill;
I had some miserable weeks with my girl’s mother staying with us and not leaving. I conjured up a great scheme to get rid of her. When she was in the kitchen cooking, I grabbed her on the buttocks and grinned. She screamed and grabbed a small knife. She didn’t even come close! Anyway, she left the next morning. Now I have an angry girl on my hands and sleep with one eye open; but happy.
Singha Jerry

Dear Singha Jerry,
You certainly do believe in living dangerously, don’t you? Do you have any ducks round your house? If so, I suggest you sleep with two eyes open. Just as duck liver pate is a gourmet food for us, certain parts of your anatomy are considered a gourmet nibble for the ducks. And once swallowed, never seen again. Of course there is also the kitchen blender which will have you sitting down to wee for the rest of your days. No surgeon can do anything with that puree!