Heart to Heart: Sheer luck Holmes


Sheer luck Holmes
Dear Hillary,
I have had the secret police monitor the Pattaya Mail offices for the past week to report back to me when you come in or out of the building. So far they have recorded 195 women, which means that 194 of the reports were not you. Please wear something bright so that we can identify you.
Jack and the Boys

Hello there Jack and the Boys,
Sorry to disappoint you, my Purple Petunia Petals but I was out of town all last week, so of course I was not even any one of your 195. With modern communications such as they are, I send all my replies in by carrier pigeon. Please do not shoot the pigeon down, they are getting quite expensive and take some time in training.

Not another Noi on the make
Dear Hillary
I have been living in Pattaya for six months now and have decided it is really the place I want to retire. I have a wonderful relationship with the most perfect Thai girl, Noi, although we are just living together and are not married. She is not as keen as I am to get married and not because of our twenty years age difference, either. She thinks she will lose all property rights once she is legally married to a foreigner. My problem is that I like apartment living and want to buy a bigger condo with better beach views, in my name. Noi likes living with me in my rented condo and has no problem with heights, it’s just that she is putting a lot of pressure on me to buy a house instead and put it in her name. Hillary, can you tell me, is it possible for me to get the house in my name too?

Dear Peter,
In a word – No! You have to ask yourself serious questions on why girlfriend Noi is so fixated on property. Believe me, there are many beautiful Thai women who may display more loving and less avaricious tendencies, never mind the age difference. The current legal situation about Thai property titles is this, a foreigner (read non-Thai or farang) may own a condo in their own name. They may not own a house or land solely or partly in their own name. The only way farangs may “own” a house is to form a Thai company with the aid of a trusted English speaking lawyer and Thai nominees and then that company owns the title to the house. Even then, there are some legal problems. As in all dealings, Caveat Emptor, Buyer Beware. Be very aware!

Willy the Wonder Wand again
Dear Hillary,
I am planning to travel to Pattaya where I have been many times already and I would like you to give me some advice: is Viagra available in Pattaya, with or without prescription and how much does it cost? I can get it in France where I live, but I find it embarrassing to get a prescription from the family doctor.

Dear Frenchy,
Of course it is available in Pattaya! This is not Outer Mongolia and the local streets are crawling with randy males, like yourself. The question you should ask yourself is why you would be embarrassed asking your own doctor? As in France, this is a prescription only drug and as such, is expensive, and you need to be free of heart problems before you take it. Check your heart before Willy the Wonder Wand! Finally, be aware there are “knock off” copies of Viagra on the black market here. Screw up your courage and talk to your doctor first.

Guest House?
Dear Hillary,
What do you do about house guests that keep on arriving from the old country? I’ve had five sets this year and it looks like there are more coming for Xmas. If I had nothing else to do other than entertain old friends then it would be fine, but I have work to do as well. I don’t want to give old friends the cold shoulder, but I’m at my wits end, honestly! What should I do?
Guesthouse Gertie

Dear Gertie,
This is a very common problem when you live in a place that other people save for 11 months to come and visit. It is also very normal for your old friends to want to see you, and possibly save some money by staying with you. You actually have the answer already when you called yourself “Guesthouse” Gertie. The government is cracking down on unregistered guest houses, so you have the ideal let out. Love to have you, but it is now illegal. Meet them for dinner at 7 p.m. and do things together from there. I am sure your friends will appreciate that even though they are on holidays, you are not. They need time to themselves too and will be grateful for the chances to explore on their own. Have some brochures for them with suggested trips and let them take it from there. You can do your work, and you can enjoy each other’s company at night. Just think about it, you can even get one of those nice wooden signs with “Gerties” carved into it.