Heart to Heart: Respect!


Dear Hills,
Been reading your advice for many years. I reckon you must be at least 110 by now. Or is there two of you? Twins maybe? I just would like to know who you are. What about dinner one night? I could even stretch to a bottle of bubbly.

Dear disrespectful Ben,
How old am I? The Pattaya Mail has been going for 24 years, which would make me 44 if I started on my 20th birthday. I am not a Siamese twin. I do know enough to be well mannered in public and address people by their correct name. Since you don’t, you must be at least 10 years old by now. Grow up and get back to me in another 24 years.

Hillary gets bubbles and chockies for New Year
Dear Hillary,
I came to your office to give you some bubbly and chocolates for New Year, but your front office staff said you were away “outside”. You were in the paper this week, so you can’t have gone far. Did the staff make sure you got your New Year presents, thank you very much.

Dear Eugene,
Sorry I wasn’t in when you called, but as I live on the other side of the busy street, it takes me quite some time to cross over and get to work. I asked the editor to get me an office on the other side of the street, but he said running across four lanes of traffic would be good for me and keep me healthy. He’ll say anything to annoy me, he knows just how infirm I am, cooped up in the broom cupboard he lets me use as an office.

How do I get my car back?
Dear Hillary,
We split up and she’s taken the car, saying it’s hers. I bought the thing with my money, so I believe it’s mine. I wanted to just go and get it, as I have the spare key, but it is way away in Esarn, and my friends at the local who have been here for some years say leave it be. The saying is, “What’s mine is mine,” don’t you agree?

Dear Rob,
You are listening to all the wrong people. You don’t get the correct legal advice while sitting on a bar stool. The quotation might be right for the western world, but here it is more, “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine.” This is a legal problem, my Petal, so be prepared for some legal fees, many months (and even years in some cases) and the car won’t be worth much by the end. In future, take out a leasing arrangement with her responsible for the monthly payments. If she skips, the finance company will chase her down.

Hillary on telly?
Dear Hillary,
Oh Hillary, keep up the good work. Your column is… hilarious. The common theme we all enjoy is that of the lonely social pariah, unwashed, flatulent dimwit, who’s studiously avoided women for his 55 years since Mom kicked him out, suddenly retires to Thailand, and expects to “find a good wife” in the dark recesses of Walking Street, despite reading through the plethora of warnings from those who’ve been there before and lost. Then, after being cleaned out, kicked to the curb, he writes you, begging forgiveness for his ignorance. It’s too funny… comedy gold.

Dear JW,
Ah, Gold! I had never thought of that before – sell the column to the directors of the Thai soaps on TV. The main players are all the same – the “good girl” who is ignored, while the “bad girl” takes the money from the innocent sap. But you know the ending. Sap discovers the wicked one and her schemes and finds the “good girl” was patiently waiting. All a bit Cinderella-like without the glass slippers. For the annual meeting of heartbroken souls, I must remember to roll up in a pumpkin. Thank you for the great idea!

The 25 satang dowry.
Dear Hillary,
How many times do I have to read about dowries? The most recent was 300,000 baht for a woman previously married and with one kid. Come on, this is 2018, not 1018. You only hear about dowries from the poor folk in the north-east who can see an opportunity to get some Thai whiskey out of some poor, besotted idiot. Village weddings are not even accepted in Thai law, so why would you waste 25 satang on this nonsense. It is not a Thai custom today especially while the Thai government pushes for Thailand 4.0.

Dear John,
You are so right, Petal. To all you males out there, if your GF suggests a dowry is the next step in the wonderful relationship, start running, while saying “Thank you Hillary (and John)”. If there is something I would like to be remembered for, it would be for stamping out dowries. Unfortunately there seems to be a never ending supply of foreign males with too much money and a never ending supply of young ladies from the Isaan area willing to take on the onerous task of liberating the foreign male’s wallet.