Heart to Heart: Oh No! It’s KOTW again!


Oh No! It’s KOTW again!
My Dear Hillary,
You jumped right on my malapropism ‘campain’ which was incorrectly spelled on purpose. I know I have caused you much work on your spell checker and am so solly. Butt, your attack on my abbreviated moniker KOTW (keeper of the WOW) was questionable. Do you ever read this paper? Do you remember the mail from KOTO (keeper of the ocean)? He has stolen a slogan that is actually a reference to an acient (sic) Japanese stringed instrument that is used today. Being that his quest was to get left over cigarette butts off the beach so it doesn’t gag the wildlife (katoyeys after dark?), he should be forced to change his slogan to KOTB: Keeper Of The Butt. I have had enough exposure to the overused ‘WOW’ exclamation that I will now suggest that adverts use the word “SEX!” to grab the pubics (sic) attention. I will also unleash a campain, (sic) for your sake, on the radio and TV announcers and hawkers of merchandise that don’t know how to pronounce “PATTAYA”. “PATTY-YA”. Before you get deported for repeated Pat ty ya, etc. listen to a Thai TV broadcast of the news and get it right!

Dear KOTW (aka Jerry),
I am glad I have given you something to do with your time, between Singha beers, in looking up esoteric information. I am sure you also found that the Japanese koto is similar to the Chinese guzheng during your ‘Googling’, neither of which are played in your adopted city of “Patty-ya”. And while we are on about your pronunciations, just where did you get “katoyeys” from? The more usual English spelling of the Thai word is “katoey” as it is a transliteration (feel free to look it up, my Petal). I am also quite sure that your use of “pubic” rather than the correct word “public” was just an involuntary Malapropism, but never mind, it ended up quite apt. However, “acient” for “ancient” doesn’t quite cut it, I’m afraid. Please say ‘Hello’ from me to you other friends on the steps of the 7-Eleven.

Getting un-chained
Dear Hillary,
I have just had my 1 baht gold chain torn from my neck as I was riding my motorcycle along Beach Road. I fell off as they yanked and broke it, and they just scooted away. Nobody stopped them and I think the passersby just thought I was drunk and fell off. Nobody got the number plate of the bike they were on, either. I went to file a report with the police, but there’s not much hope of getting it back. The police said they thought it was part of an organized gang, but that doesn’t do anything for me either. Does this go on all the time? Not good for tourism, I tell you. I’m not coming back.

Dear Pete,
Sorry to hear of your loss, Petal, but tourists are warned not to display wealth in a flashy way. The robbers must have spotted your gold chain being worn outside your shirt, to know that you were an easy target. I am not trying to put the blame on you, but there are certain dangers in all tourist resort cities throughout the world, and that is why there are these types of robberies going on. Please don’t let it spoil your holiday, but just put it down to experience, which will stand you in good stead anywhere in the world at a later stage.

Advice from the Happy Camper
Dear Hillary,
Year after year, I see and hear many lonely, ignorant, old, fools complaining about Pattaya’s bar girls and freelancers. But can you really blame them? What do they expect? Thai girls, well as all girls in the world want to be with someone their own age and not someone who can be their grandfather’s age.

Thailand and especially Pattaya attracts some of the worst quality tourists and expatriates is the world. We have alcoholics, druggies, perverts, psychos, delinquents, criminals, crooks, losers and loners. I know we do have some good “dirty-old-men” here who treat these girls and women nicely and get along fine.

So stop whining. We have a good thing going here and enjoy Thailand while it’s still affordable.
Happy Camper

Dear Happy Camper,
Oooh, I must meet your friends! Are all of them alcoholics, druggies, perverts, psychos, delinquents, criminals, crooks, losers and loners? No wonder you have such an attitude. I would too, surrounded by all that lot! However, getting back to your letter, I wonder if it should have been quite as bitter as it seems to be? In actual fact, the old adage is very pertinent here, “You get what you pay for!” So if your motley lot of alcoholics and all the others are happy to pay for the pleasures, knowing there is no permanence being offered, then let them continue, and ignore their complaints. By the way, not all the farangs in Pattaya are “alcoholics, druggies, perverts, psychos, delinquents, criminals, crooks, losers and loners”. I met a very nice chap the other evening. I just can’t remember his name!