Heart to Heart with Hillary: A beer problem


A beer problem

Dear Hillary,

I have a real problem with my live-in GF and it is the demon drink again. I know Thais don’t hold their liqueur very well, but this one is gone off her face after two beers. That could be OK but she gets all “teary” and goes back to every time we’ve had a problem, or the guy before me, even. I say the past is the past, but she can’t hold her emotions. This then means no nooky for me that night. Have you any ideas what I can do to get her over this? It has become quiet (sic) tiresome


Dear Garry,

You men are all the same. Beer and sex, sex and beer. Don’t you think of anything else? (Spelling obviously I has been left stranded.) Back to your beer problem. Have you tried not plying her with drink? Beer is neither a stimulant nor a muscle strengthener, but is a depressant and a muscle relaxer. (Ever heard of brewer’s droop?) Neither of these items are good for your nocturnal pursuits, you know. Try sticking with soft drinks for the little lady – and a few for yourself won’t go astray either! And then again, do you absolutely have to have a beer yourself?

The family that lays together, stays together

Dear Hillary,

A family problem here, and I don’t want to see what is going to happen next. I’m originally from the UK and I am a pensioner and my legally married wife is Thai. We have been together for almost 12 years. Pretty good on the whole, but sometimes a spat or two but nothing we couldn’t work out by ourselves, but this is different. Money is tight as the UK pension isn’t much these days and mine is ‘frozen’ at the 2008 level and what with the baht being so strong, the wife’s little Mom and Pop convenience store doesn’t make much money these days either, not even enough to cover the rent like it used to. Now here’s the problem – two months ago her brother from the village and his girlfriend came to stay with us. No discussion about this, they just arrived on the doorstep. The girl helps my wife in the shop, but the business is so poor, anyway my wife runs it by herself, so the girl isn’t needed. The brother just lies about the place watching telly, and does not contribute either. This puts an even greater stress on the finances. My wife won’t discuss this problem either, telling me it is “family”. What do I do?


Dear Cyril,

You are so correct when you describe this as a “family problem”. For up-country Thai people, “family” comes first. That covers all Thai people with some blood connection, followed by all Thai people with any inherited Thai genes, after that lot comes the village soi dogs and then the foreigners. You will have to sit down with your wife and make her discuss the two newcomers and your available finances and she must accept that you are also “family”. You obviously cannot carry on the way you are going. The brother and the girlfriend must either leave, or go get a paying job and contribute to your household, or you will have to return to the UK. There is a limit, and you have reached it, my Petal.

A home grown cunning linguist

Dear Hillary,

Did you know Hillary, the first name of your favorite beverage translates to “Widow”?


Dear Don,

In actual fact, my linguistic Petal, I was well aware of the origins of Veuve Clicquot. So you are good at French are you, Don? Yes, Widow Clicquot was a remarkable woman (16 December 1777 – 29 July 1866). Known as the “Grand Dame of Champagne”, she was a French businesswoman who took on her husband’s wine business when she was widowed at 27. Under her ownership, and her skill with wine, the company developed early champagne using a novel technique. The brand and company of Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin still bears her name, and is drunk by Hillary as its major recommendation.

She is not to be confused with Madame Bollinger who reputedly said, “Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone. When I have company I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I’m not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise, I never touch it – unless I’m thirsty.”

Don, darling, just leave the bottle for me at the Pattaya Mail office, clearly marked “FOR HILLARY” otherwise the messenger will claim it. That’s a very sweet Petal.

Inveterate liar

Dear Hillary,

I examined my wine room and discovered 89 bottles of Veuve Clicquot!

Don (again)

Dear Don (again),

If I didn’t know you were an inveterate liar, I would have been right over and been yours for 89 days (I didn’t say ‘nights’)! I also know, from personal experience, that 7-Eleven doesn’t sell any champagnes, and I’m sorry, Mont Clair Sparkling doesn’t cut it.