Heart to Heart with Hillary: Taxi Detectives


Taxi detectives

Dear Hillary,

A few weeks ago I told you of a ‘rescue’ that a group of us performed for what we considered was an exploitative situation. You scolded us, as amateurish meddlers; at first we dismissed your comments, but after a while we came around and recognized your point of view and we have chosen to try to help her, as much as she would like, to restart her life.

The stolen car had a happy ending. After two weeks the police had not been able to help. On a whim, I went to the leader of the local motor bike taxi group that lurk outside her apartment, showing him pictures of the guy and the car and offering a reward for any help. One of his boys had taken the guy to another apartment block a couple of times. It took them just under an hour to find the car.

The Rescuers

Dear Rescuers,

Thank you for seeing my point of view in the unfortunate situation you described a few weeks ago of the Thai lady being taken advantage of by a farang boyfriend and her car misappropriated. You have shown admirable nous and the local motorcycle taxi push is always a good place to start when you need information on anyone’s movements. A few baht well spent at the street corner can certainly yield big dividends, Petal.

Fun for the boys

Dear Hillary,

I would like to thank you for all the fun you have given the boys over here all year. Sorry I can’t tell you where we are – classified information. And sorry I’m not coming over to Thailand this time, but I promise I will bring some goodies with me after the pandemic. The guys who don’t deliver annoy me, so I suspect they must annoy you too. Never mind, chin up and chest out. See you next year.


Dear Martin,

I’m not so sure about this “chin up and chest out” advice, it’s probably all a bit too late for that, but I do thank you and the boys over there in certain places where you cannot reveal your location. Don’t worry, I’ll look it up on WikiLeaks, they’re bound to know. When you think about it, it’s all a bit silly really. This Wiki Julian Meringue or whatever his name is, doesn’t make up all the information, they shouldn’t have written it down in the first place. So who’s in the wrong? All beyond me, Petal, me without a chest to stick out any more. All the best for 2021.

Bookworms petition Hillary

Dear Hillary,

Why don’t you put all your writings into a book? I reckon it would have to be a great hit. I have mates overseas who read you every week, just for the laugh at the idiots who write in. I’ll buy the first copy.

Regular Reader

Dear Reg the Reader,

It is always nice to know that the readers enjoy the column, especially people who send champagne and chocolates with their letters. We have discussed putting some of the best letters together, but it is a lot of work, Reg my Petal. Maybe it will be something for me to do when I retire. I’ll let you know and autograph that first copy just for you. Of course the first copy will be more expensive than the others, so in true fashion for these parts, there will be around 1,000 first copies, just like the third 50 percent share of many bars!

Personal tests

Dear Hillary,

Do all Thai people ask you the most personal questions? Things like “How much money you make? You married yet? Why not? You got girlfriend? You want me go with you?” Apart from the fact that this is considered a very rude way of starting a relationship in the west, I also find it very embarrassing when I am over here. How do I get these people to stop doing this?

Shy and Retiring

Dear Shy and Retiring,

Or is that Shy and Retired? You have to look at where are these women who ask such direct questions. My bet is in a bar somewhere. They are not in the habit of issuing a gilt edged invitation to dinner, hand inscribed in Ye Olde English. Be real and be thankful that ‘these people’ as you call them are interested enough in you to even ask questions. There’s only one thing worse than being a wall-flower at parties, and that’s not being invited at all. In actual fact, my turtledove, those inquiries are very cleverly designed “standard” bar girl questions to see if you are worthwhile bothering with at all. If you have no money all interest will be lost immediately. Likewise if you are married they will want to know if “You marry Thai?” or whether your partner is waiting faithfully for you back home in the UK, while you contemplate the unfaithful ideas. Lighten up and when you are asked next time just say, “No money. Wife take all money to boy bar,” and then laugh a lot. They’ll get the message and you will be left happily lonely, then you can write me letters asking why does nobody talk to you!