Heart to Heart: More from Mrs. Malaprop


More from Mrs. Malaprop
Dear Hillary;
You have been bloviating for years over proper spelling and grammar so it was so tempting to give you something that you really enjoy. Correcting the writer; whether he/she be of an English speaking country or not, you (sic) them or correct them with your imperial and vast knowledge of this language. You column needed some other venue other than the regular drivel of poor men who come to Thailand to be consumed by the land shark bar girl. Year after year you give the same advice; it’s your own fault you ignorant man… and don’t forget to bring me chocs and bubbly when you return with more money to make the same stupid mistakes. Bar Girl Love! In your latest column, you made a rediculous (sic) point of exalting my use of KOTW. If you had paid any attention to my previous submissions you would have noted that if (sic) stood for “Keeper Of The Wow”. Sanook (fun), which is dreadfully missing from your often pointless weekly submissions to your rag. (Slang, English newspaper.) So, maybe you can put more effort into your column and stop demonizing the poor guy who submits his ‘new?’ problems to you.
KOTW, Jerry

Dear Jerry, self-styled Keeper of the WOW,
Do you remember Mrs. Malaprop? You would do better at letter writing if you checked your use of long words in the dictionary first. “Imperial”? I think you actually meant to write “imperious”, Petal. Now “exalting”? That means “raising up”, Jerry. Was that what you meant? And “demonizing”? It all gets too confusing, and I will even ignore the spelling errors this week. I can only suggest that your next missive (or even missile) be sent after partaking of only one bottle of your favorite sanook beverage, not several.

Can I believe her?
Dear Hillary,
I came to Thailand for a two week holiday and met a young girl, as you do. We got along well, so I paid for her company for 10 days, up till the day before I left. That was when she started ringing me up and asking to see me, saying she was in love with me. Even if she couldn’t be with me for my last night she wanted to come and see me before the taxi picked me up. I felt bad about this but all my mates told me to forget about her, but I kept on answering her calls, and there were plenty of them, I tell you, but the mates stopped me from giving in, but I still felt bad about it all. What do you think I should have done? I’ve been thinking about ringing her from home, but just don’t know.

Dear Mike,
You forgot where you met this young lady who fell madly in love with you after 10 days. You paid for her company, my Petal. It was a business arrangement, not a matrimonial contract. By making you feel indebted to her, she was much more likely to extract even more money from you, which is why she wanted the face to face meeting, even on that last morning, you never know what you can get, even if it is just what is in your wallet. You don’t say how old you are, but you are obviously a babe compared to the lady from the bar. What should you have done? Just what you did do, and that was to cut the relationship once the period of hire was completed. It was a short-time holiday romance, and a paid one at that. Next time you come over, you will hopefully be more mature, more wise and keep a tight hold on your wallet.

Tell me there are some “good” ones
Dear Hillary,
I read all these tales of woe that your letter writers send to you about losing money and getting ripped off. I read the books like Private Dancer and Money Number 1 and they are full of the same tales of woe. Is it really that bad in Thailand? Surely there are some good ones out there, or are they all on the make? Do you know how many marriages to bar girls go t’s up? Can’t be ‘all’ of them, can it? I’ve met so many great girls on my holidays each year and I can’t believe that they would be anything other than great wives for some lucky guys. What is the real situation?
Gary (from GB)

Dear Gary (from GB),
Even in your own country ‘mixed’ marriages fail, and that’s just marriages between men and women. You men just don’t understand us, Petal. Now make it a marriage between cultures and there is even more chance of failure. And I am talking about people who go into marriage who are ‘In Love’ and still have the stars in the eyes. Now look at the marriages you want to examine – the love sick visitor and the hardened professional girl behind the bar. One has been convinced that this is the marriage made in heaven. Besotted Bob just wants the ring on her finger, while business girl Bee can’t wait to investigate a joint bank account. She is in the banking business, Gary. This marriage lasts as long as the bank accounts.