Heart to Heart: A gay question


Diamonds again
Dear Hillary,
Now now Hillary, further to the diamond topic, the question was not where is the safest place to store your diamonds but where to buy them.

I am sure you will agree that Hatton Garden is internationally renowned as a safe place to purchase diamonds from. I would certainly feel a lot happier that I had purchased genuine quality stones in Hatton Garden than the corner jewelry store in downtown Pattaya whose brother the songthaew driver has just dropped me off there.

I would also feel that I would be more likely to be looked after if I had been ripped off in London rather than by the keystone cops in Pattaya who would probably just want a bit more money to do their jobs and investigate and then drop the whole case if any suspects turned out to be another of their ‘benefactors’ (or am I just cynical?)

Dear Chris,
How could you possibly doubt the local keepers of law and order? Cynical Cindy in person! But you are right, it was where to buy diamonds, not where to keep safe, but it was such a wonderful item in the British press with the analogue villains in a digital world that I couldn’t resist. My Petal, buy yourself a beer on me.

Dear Hillary,
I read you every week, but I don’t understand you some times. One week you are on the side of the ladies of the night, as you call them and the next week you seem to be on the side of the foreigners. Why the flip-flopping?

Dear Grant,
I am not flip-flopping as you call it, but I support whoever is in the right in my opinion (which can be wrong at times – but I was mistaken). Many of the people who write in think they are 100 percent correct, while that may not always be the case. I start at 50:50 and then see who is closest to 100. And you, Petal, because you so wrongly accused me of changing sides, ended up with a zero on your ledger.

A gay question
Dear Hillary,
You always seem to have advice for the lovelorn of the opposite sex, but I never see items from the gay community. Don’t they have problems too?

Dear Max,
Of course everyone can (and do) have problems, but the number of members of the gay community is still very much less than the members of the “Hello Sexy Man, Buy Me Cola” community. So that means you will see more GF problems than BF problems, but feel free to write in, please.

Room maid becomes floor maid
Dear Hillary,
My maid seems to be afraid of all time-saving appliances. I have tried to show her how to use the simple microwave and the convection oven, but she will not use either, despite smiling and saying she understands every time. When we have people over for dinner she gets her sister and auntie to come and help, and they sit on the floor of the kitchen with her and prepare the food. I am terrified that one of my guests will see this one day, even though the food is always very nice. How do I get around this problem?

Dear Marjorie,
You really haven’t got a problem at all, Petal. As you say, your maid cooks you very nice meals, so does it matter if she sits on the floor to do it? I am sure that she cleans the kitchen floor too, so it will be spotlessly clean. It is also very common for Thai people to call in assistants, and family is always best, when they have to prepare for a large party. If the food takes a little long in coming, just have some savories and dips to ward off the hunger pangs in the guests, and relax and enjoy. You will not change a Thai maid into a western short-order cook, no matter how many times you show her the microwave! “Thai” means “free” and maids need their freedom to cook the way they always have done.

Happy Ending
Dear Hillary,
Where can I go to get a ‘straight’ massage? Every massage place I stop at offers me massages with “happy ending”, and there seems to be hundreds of those. I have a longstanding back and right leg problem after an accident a few years ago, and a proper deep massage does seem to help. The other kind doesn’t. Any ideas Hillary?
Bad Back

Dear Bad Back,
What a lovely change, my Petal. Most of the readers who write in here have a middle leg problem and not a right leg (or left leg) one. ‘Physical’ massage is certainly good for all kinds of ailments, but you have to find a place that advertises that it does ‘traditional Thai’ massage. You really should be looking for a “spa”, rather than massage parlor. Most of the big hotels have a spa and massage area, though they cater for the tourists more (and charge tourist prices). Tell any place you go to that you don’t want an oil massage, but want physical massage. Hope you feel better soon.