Corpulent North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un is said to have sacked his diet adviser after failing to lose weight in spite of eating four boxes of Chocolate Thin Mints every day for a month. But unsuccessful diets go back thousands of years. An overweight king of the ancient Hittites insisted on living in a tall tower with no exit whilst his slaves sent up modest amounts of non-fattening food by pulley to the one small window. He starved to death when his son, anxious to become the new ruler, ordered the slaves to go on a long holiday.
William the Conqueror tried an alcohol-only diet and never ate for six weeks. He was buried in the abbey of Saint-Etienne. 18th century gentlemen suggested the appetite-suppressing arsenic diet to wives who were no longer required for active duty. Lord Byron tried the strictly vinegar diet which certainly created vomit and constant visits to the loo. He died in Greece after toying with the tapeworm diet which claimed that the tiny creatures introduced into your stomach would devour the excess calories from your meals.
The 20th century revealed an avalanche of diets as the public strived for the body beautiful as portrayed in the mass media. The werewolf diet told you to eat according to the phases of the moon: fasting when the moon was new and gorging when full. The US businessman Horace Fletcher, a great masticator, suggested that each mouthful should be chewed 100 times before swallowing. He was banned from most restaurants because the staff had to be paid overtime waiting for him to finish and pay the bill.
Cigarette companies got in on the act. Lucky Strike proclaimed that puffing their brand was a healthy move as smoking suppressed appetite. A baby food producer suggested those wanting to lose weight should eat their tins because the portions were small enough to prevent weight gain. The funeral directors Grimsby and Streaper recommended eating seafood to lose weight rapidly in order to avoid the extra cost of outsize coffins.
Reducing girth became an obsession with some women. Maria Callas, the soprano, claimed to have lost 80 pounds and dropped five dress sizes after sticking to a diet of 1,200 calories per day. But some fans misunderstood and thought that they could eat fattening foods as long as they partied only at night time. Men were no better. Film director Alfred Hitchcock said he ate just vegetables for a week, but admitted they were chips only. He also argued that Cadbury’s milk tray was OK as chocolate came from cocoa which was healthy, plant-based sustenance.
These days there are said to be over 500 different sorts of weight-reducing pills available on the internet, particularly beneficial if you swallow them at regular meal times. Apparently, you must still avoid munching after dark because of the potential damage to your waistline. But if you are not meant to eat in the dark, why is there always a bright light in the fridge? Pass the cold pizza please.
