Dear Hillary,

My girlfriend has joined Facebook and now has to reply to about 50 emails a day which means that the housework falls behind every day. I don’t mind her having a hobby as it is good for women to have an outside interest, as it would stop her wasting her time with the girls from the bar, but enough’s enough. How do I get her to stop this Facebook nonsense and get her priorities right?
Frank

Dear (Facebook) Frank,
Aren’t you the high and mighty one! My Petal, I have news for you - it is not up to you what your girlfriend does, especially as it seems that you want to be given the right of deciding what is (or is not) good for her. Millions of people all over the world enjoy their time on Facebook. Are they all wrong? You should also know by now that Thai women need time with their women friends, just as all you men want your time to go down to the pub with the boys and discuss male things. You should not get confused between a “girlfriend” and a “maid”. They are not the same thing. I am also so pleased to see that chauvinism isn’t dead yet!

Dear Hillary,
They have made new pedestrian crossings all through Pattaya, complete with warning traffic lights for both the walkers and the drivers. Some of these are around 20 meters apart. With the lights so close to each other it will be chaos when they come into operation, especially in the high season when there are lots of visitors who are used to being the important person at traffic lights. Since the motorists play ‘last across’ at normal traffic lights, how long will it be before a pedestrian gets knocked down?
Tom

Dear Tom,
What a Prophet of Doom you are! But you are asking the wrong person, Tom. I’m not a traffic engineer, ask one of those. However, I don’t think there is really too much to worry about. Going by past experience they won’t last long enough to become a worry. Remember the inner city busses and the bus stops? Remember the strange metal trees that suddenly sprung up on the footpaths? They will have stopped working before the high season is in full swing and by next year people will be wondering what these strange lights were all about.

Dear Hillary,
Xmas isn’t far away. What are you asking for this year? Every year you seem to hint choclate (sic) and champain (sic). Do you ever get some? Or is that just some trick to get your friends in the shops some extra customers? Us guys in the UK just want to know. Answer honestily (sic), Petal.
Bill

Dear Bill,
Do I detect that you are on the point of getting me some chocolates and champagne? Yes, in answer to your rather rude question, I do receive some very welcome Xmas presents each year. If you are old enough to buy alcohol, then some French champagne delivered to the Pattaya Mail office will be wonderful. And please note the spellings, Petal. Your command of your own language is not very good. Do try a little harder.

Dear Hillary,
Some of your readers will probably say this is a silly question, but I haven’t been here long, so I don’t know the ropes. I often see a rather nice looking girl in the local shopping center and I sometimes stop and say hello. She is very well dressed and seems to have good English. I have asked her what she is doing and she says she is waiting for a boyfriend, but she seems to be waiting every day. Should I ask her if she is really waiting for a boyfriend? Do you think she is a prostitute? How do I ask? What will tell me that she is? Please don’t laugh, I would really like to get to know this girl.
Jason

Dear Jason,
You certainly are new around these parts, aren’t you! Let me take you by the hand in this matter. No, you do not say, “Excuse me, are you a prostitute?” Firstly, there are no prostitutes because that is against the law, so there aren’t any. However, there does appear to be a few enthusiastic ‘amateurs’ or ‘side-line’ girls around the place. What you have to reason out, young Jason, is how can she be so well dressed without a job, because you see her every day “waiting” and that’s not delivering food, is it? So she is either a young lady of independent means, or someone who goes shopping a lot with someone else’s money. You still with me, Jason my Petal? Now she has been giving you all the hints, “waiting for a boyfriend”. That wasn’t waiting for “her” boyfriend - she is waiting for “a” boyfriend. This is leaving the opening for you to become the boyfriend - but, Jason, I fear this relationship is going to cost you a whole heap of money. She is obviously more experienced than you are, and you are walking around the shopping center with “I’m ready for fleecing” written on your forehead. Take my tip - change your shopping center and wait till you meet some nice girl who is working there, not “waiting” there for a boyfriend.