Dear Hillary,
I need your help. I have to choose between two gorgeous girls here. Both of them are real lookers, so there’s nothing to choose from there. Both come from up-country, so that’s the same. Both of them are quite happy with the salary I give them each month and don’t ask for more. I have known them both for just over three months and they are both about 22 years old. Both want to move in with me and I am having a problem keeping it so they don’t know about each other. I don’t want to use “eeny meeny miney moh” to choose. Give me some test so I can choose the best one. I am sure that one of these two girls is the one for me.
Undecided

Dear Undecided,
Goodness me, Petal. Just who do you think I am? Clairvoyant? You give me some sketchy details saying they are both beautiful, come from Isaan probably and you are giving them both a “salary”. Do they have nice temperaments? Do they help little old ladies across the road? Do they have strong religious beliefs (which might not fit with yours)? What are their families like? Have you met their family and are you accepted by them (and they accepted by you)? There are some of the adult questions you should be asking, but you are not. I suspect you are either very young or very immature, or both. My advice is to keep going with the two of them and live with them both. You’ll soon see who rules the roost. The one with the most feathers left. Lots of luck.

Dear Hillary,
We haven’t been here very long, and my husband’s work gives us an allowance for a maid. That’s something I had dreamed of having all my life, and now here it was. Unfortunately, it has been nothing like the fairy tale I thought it would be. More of a nightmare. She came recommended by another expat family, who said they were going to do without a maid, and so we could have her. The first week was wonderful as she cleaned and dusted, washed and ironed. The second week she slowed down a lot and by the third week, the unwashed clothes were starting to mount up, so much so that I had to take it to a local laundry. Now after three months, she just sits around and watches TV while holding a whisk broom. All the clothes go to the laundry. My husband says I have to deal with it as he is at work all day. I’ve started going out all day as well, as I feel like choking the woman. What is one supposed to do under these circumstances? I can’t grin and bear it any longer.
Desperate

Dear Desperate,
You were caught right from the start, weren’t you, Petal. Why would any foreign family get rid of a good maid? The only time good maids pass between families is when one family is leaving and the other is coming in to replace the other. Your group could not wait to get this maid to move on. So what do you do? You have to be strong, and if she is not working as she is supposed to, then you will have to dispense with her (non-existent) services. Dismissal! Your husband, who will be looked upon as the head of the household, by the maid, has to be involved too. You have one other choice - you can explain to her what you expect her to do (as she did in the first week) and say that if she cannot do this, then you will be forced to sack her. Give her two weeks to smarten up, and if she doesn’t, then give her a month’s salary and say goodbye to the money and the maid! This one is probably the best and saves face all round, an important factor to remember in Thailand.

Dear Hillary,
How is the chocolates and champers appeal going? Anyone ever drop the loot off? I have been tempted, just so that I can see you in the flesh, but I’m only in Thailand a couple of times a year, and I don’t remember until I’m on the plane going back home again. Maybe next time. Biggest problem is getting the champagne through customs at the Middle East stop-over. I can buy it in London OK, but then it gets taken off me.
Robert

Dear Robert,
What can I do to jog your memory, my Petal? I can understand the problems with duty free goods, but I am worth paying full price for, surely? Especially since you wish to see me “in the flesh” as you put it. However, it will take several bottles of bubbly for me to show much more than a well-turned ankle. Chocolates are even easier, Robert, and in fact you can get those at our bigger shopping centers. You don’t have to worry about duty free/customs at all. But please, do try and find some nice Belgian chocolates, and not a Mars bar.