Dear Hillary,
This is Dickie Knee again. I live in Chonburi and I cannot beleave (sic) the amount of garbage around. Their (sic) is a brand new market and bars and shops and food carts who poor (sic) their cooking oils down the drain and over the new pavement. Your own intelligence would tell you, you don’t do that. And garbage bags with the smell of maggots in them. “Is it no brain, no pain?” It would not hurt the gov (sic) to put garbage bins on power polls (sic) to try and keep the place clean. And they wonder why drains flood over if a dog cocks his leg. It is anought (sic) to flood the place. Employ rangers to give out fines. A tourist place it is not.
Yours Sincurley (sic),
Dickie

Dear Dickie,
Thailand is not known for community cleanliness, Petal, but there are worse places than your new market, and they are in certain towns in England. I also think it is wrong of you to insult the Thai people, suggesting they have no brain. The stall holders and food carts are only doing what they have always done. I do not agree with suggestions that the City Hall should employ rangers to hand out fines. The reason many British people come out here is to get away from ‘rangers’ handing out fines for anything and everything. And Dickie, your spelling is atrocious! But if English is not your native language, that wasn’t a bad try, I suppose.

Dear Hillary,
Have you nothing better to do with your time than answering idiots who write in (email in?) with their ridiculous problems, all caused by themselves being so stupid that they can’t see they are being led around the garden by the carrot by some slip of a girl a third of their age but five times as savvy. It never ceases to amaze me just how stupid some of these western men really are.
Charles

Dear Charles,
The first letter this week accuses the Thais of being stupid, and now you, the second letter this week accuses the western males of being stupid. Which one should I believe? But at least you can spell, Petal. That’s a plus in anybody’s language. Honestly, Charles, it doesn’t really matter too much. Some people will continue to get into trouble, whilst others do cotton on (after a while). Until then, just remain light-hearted and enjoy the fun!

Dear Hillary,
One of my best friends here in Pattaya has fallen for a real hussy from a beer bar who is now milking him for everything. Unfortunately he is also married and his wife has just got to hear about it. She is Thai and they have been together for six years. She is now saying she is going to kill him and then kill her. How serious do you think the threat really is? Should he just race back to America and forget all about Thailand? Or should he stay here and try to work out something with these two women? They know of each other but they’ve never met. I’d like to help him, but he did get himself into this mess.
Harry

Dear Harry,
You are correct when you say he got himself into this mess, and it would be very tempting to just leave him alone and see what happens. I don’t think his wife would follow through with her threats, but it has happened before, so he should be very careful. And so should you. He can get out of this situation, but like everything in Thailand, there is a financial aspect to it. Help him buy off number two while he regains the affection of number one. But go carefully, Harry. Go carefully.

Dear Hillary,
You have often mentioned books that newcomers to Thailand should read like Stephen Leather’s Private Dancer, and now you should add “Falangs in Thailand” to that list. This cartoon book by Mike Baird the Pattaya Mail cartoonist is based on truth and everyone who laughs at the drawings should also remember that (it is based on truth). The cartoonist must have spent a lot of time watching what goes on in Pattaya, but what he shows can be seen in Bangkok, Phuket and Chiang Mai, anywhere there is interaction between Thai women (and some katoeys) and the lonely male. “Private Dancer” by Stephen Leather is the other one that anyone who spends time in the bars should read. Stay there long enough and it will happen to you, so be warned. I hope this helps, Hillary. I enjoy your column.
Carl

Dear Carl,
Thank you for the information about suitable books, and I have looked at both and do agree with your ideas. Unfortunately, I think many young chaps who come here (and some not so youngs as well) don’t seem to be able to read. Perhaps the cartoon books will be better for them, as long as they realize that Mike Baird is being very satirical. We can only hope, Petal. We can only hope.