Thai - Western relationships

Relationships between Thais and Western partners: always a hot topic! In this Counseling Corner series, we look below the surface at the important issues awaiting those who enter such relationships.

Part 7:
Breaking up

Separating from a Thai partner almost always causes a lot of emotions and drama on both sides. Often enough, it is just the beginning of an endless circle of getting hooked up again, experiencing the same problems, breaking up again and so on. That it is anything but easy to break up with a long-term, Thai partner is illustrated by the countless number of self-help books for Thai-Western relationships, the stories you can read on Internet discussion boards or newspaper articles reporting about suicide attempts or murder related to breakups or infidelity by one partner.

There are many reasons why the separation processes between Western and Thai partners is often so painful and emotionalizing. First of all, in Thai society, ‘breaking up’ is stigmatized, especially for women. It essentially means that a woman was not able to ‘hold’ (by various means) her partner. Additionally it would be anything but easy for a woman to find a good, new partner in Thailand. Statistics show that the pool of Thai men who have reasonable education and income is relatively small, so naturally, a woman will try to stay with a Western man who will usually provide both.

Also, the prototypes for breakup processes delivered by Thai entertainment media are generally highly emotionally loaded and dramatic, sometimes violent. There are few examples of conflicts or separations resolved by rational discussions in Thai media. Another important factor contributing to difficult breakups can of course be financial dependency of the woman (and/or financial prospects she would lose by leaving him) - this can be highly motivating for her to fight and not give up easily.

For men, on the other hand, it can be hard, too. Often, Western men feel much more emotionally involved with their Thai partner than they had been with any Western woman before. This can result in situations where a man is rationally aware that this relationship is disastrous and painful for both, but constantly suppresses these thoughts and continues to live this enervating and burdening form of a relationship where he increasingly loses control not only over what’s going on between both partners, but especially over himself and his wellbeing. Often enough it takes good, supportive friends who give him a strong hand to get him back on his feet.

If a couple feels stuck in ever-repeating conflicts and if the thought of breaking up has come up, I recommend trying relationship counseling. While this of course involves some cost, the neutral ground the couples’ conflicts are discussed and moderated on by an experienced counselor can allow it to take on new perspectives and develop new strategies by both partners - something that is very difficult to achieve by two emotionally struggling people alone. Couples are often surprised about how much better they do after just a few sessions, especially if they didn’t wait too long in the first place and if they commit themselves to attend on a regular basis for some time.

Whatever you do - don’t give up hope, but also give an ear to the advice of your friends who are often able to see things more clearly than you who are emotionally involved.

Live the happy life you planned! Richard L. Fellner is head of the Pattaya Counseling Center in Soi Khopai and offers consultations in English and German languages (after making appointments at 0854 370 470).