Dear Hillary,

Why are Thai women so noisy? I always thought they were nice quiet creatures, but they certainly aren’t. They shout at each other, instead of talking. They don’t bother walking next door to talk to their neighbor, they just stand at their doorways and shout across the street. Parties have them screaming at each other, over the top of ear-splitting music. Are they deaf from birth, or just going that way?
Mark

Dear Mark,
It is partly a cultural thing. If you hadn’t noticed before, Thai women don’t ever walk anywhere, so to communicate with the neighbors means a good full-bodied yell from the front steps. This also means that we save on mobile phone batteries. The volume from the boom boxes means that we have to shout louder to be heard over the top of them, which means that the little man at the music console winds the noise up even further (I refuse to call it “music”), and so it goes on. You’re not going to change things, my Petal. Just accept it. Have you thought about buying ear defenders. They are quite cheap at the bigger pharmacies.

Dear Hillary,
I have just found out that my husband has been having regular massages at a massage salon close to his work. He has not said anything to me, but the neighbor spotted his car outside on more than one occasion. Should I confront him, or wait till he says something? I can always say the neighbors told me.
Massage Marie

Dear Massage Marie,
There’s massages and “massages”, my Petal, and a lot depends upon which type. Many people enjoy a physical massage or a foot massage and these types are totally above board. However, there are also the soapy water massages, which are very much behind closed doors. Husbands and wives should not have secrets from each other, so I suggest the idea of bringing the subject up because the neighbors told you his car was seen outside is the best way. However, do not jump to conclusions, or accuse your husband, until you have some proof of philandering. He may have parked the car there as it was as close as he could get to his nearby office. He might have also just slipped out of the office to buy a newspaper… but on the other hand!

Dear Hillary,
My expat mates are all married to Thai women, and we have a gathering at least once a week. It used to be a blokes night, a few beers and such and the women would get together and make som tum and have a giggle. Over the past few months, the number of women has increased and the number of blokes has gone down as some of us had to go back overseas or work off-shore. This means that the som tum party has taken over and it’s gone from one night a week to every night of the week. What should we do now? Go off and have our own party down the pub or what?
Geoff and the boys

Dear Geoff and the boys,
Since the weekly meeting has gone out of your control, you now don’t like it. I think all that you can do now is take the party to the pub as you suggest, but I would advise you to take the wives with you, or the whole thing will get out of hand. Remember that the power of Isaan som tum is irresistible. Don’t fight it.

This next one came to my desk via a circuitous route from the Editor. Dear Ed; Reference Mr. Fellners column “Staying happy in Paradise” about the ‘messy’ syndrome and how to deal with it; I have a simple solution: THROW THE BUM OUT! One change of the locks and no more beer money and he’s gone!
Ex Ms. Singha Jerry

Dear Ex Ms. Singha Jerry,
I presume you are referring to one of our irregular letter writers, the one called Singha Jerry, who has always had a tough life, if we were to believe him. Last I heard, he was begging for money outside a 7-Eleven to get enough money to buy a bottle of Chang, Singha now being too expensive. This is the same Singha Jerry who had a tattoo done at 4 in the morning, and can’t even spell it. No Ms. Singha Jerry, thank yourself lucky, and it was thoughtful to get the locks changed as well. You deserve better.

Dear Hillary,
Why are there so many lady-boys in Thailand? Everywhere you go there seems to be a lady-boy these days. Every bar has at least one, they are soliciting on the sidewalks and there are complete shows made up of them. When will it stop? What’s the answer Hillary, as I am sure you will know what to do.
Katoeys R Us

Dear Katoeys R Us,
Love your name, Petal, but what is your problem? I get the feeling you are worried about a threat to your own sexuality here. This is Thailand. Live and let live. Don’t bite them and they won’t bite you. We all have out place in society. Even you!