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by Dr. Iain Corness

French GP this weekend

Heidfeld and Raikkonen, the Sauber stars

This has been a rushed week for the GP circus, with the European GP last weekend and now the French this weekend. This should start at 7 p.m. by my (sometimes inaccurate) reckoning, and I will be watching from my bar stool perch at Shenanigans. Join me in front of the big screen and we’ll see what the world’s most highly paid cab drivers can do this week.

The top 10 performance cars in the world

The latest edition of Autocar came across my desk the other day (thanks Martyn Quartly) and they had a feature on the top 100 performance cars of all time. I must say that how some of them managed to get on the list beats me. For example, the 1973 Alfasud Ti. Top speed 160 kph (down a mine shaft I reckon) and 0-100 kph times of 14 seconds. Performance car? Come off the grass. In 1973 the RS Carrera Porsche did 240 kph and 0-100 kph in 5.5 seconds. Now that’s a performance car!

Anyway, their list of the top 10 is interesting, (even if it is crazy in some areas).

1st McLaren F1. With a top speed of almost 400 kph and a 0-100 kph of 3.2 seconds, it is the quickest road car ever built and deserves the number 1 position, even if it did cost almost 40 million baht in the UK at the time (1994).

McLaren F1

2nd position was the Porsche 911 RS of 1995 which could do 256 kph and 0-100 in 5 seconds. Yes, I’d agree that this should be in the top 10.

Number 3 was given as the 1980 Audi Quattro. A car which did 225 kph and a 0-100 time of 6.3 seconds. Two years earlier, in 1978 the BMW M1 did 260 kph and 5.5 for the 0-100 time. Scratch the Audi Quattro.

4th was the Ferrari F40 which in 1987 did 320 kph and covered the 0-100 kph in 3.9 seconds. A deserved top 10 contender.

5th was given as the 1994 Subaru Impreza, a car that did 220 kph and 0-100 in 5.8 seconds. Another I don’t agree with. After all, one year later in 1995 you could have a Dodge Viper that did 275 kph and did 0-100 in 5.3 seconds.

Ferrari

6th was the current BMW M5 which can do 257 kph and 0-100 in 5.3 seconds. Undoubtedly a great car - but look at the performance compared to the Viper.

7th was quoted as the Jaguar E Type which in 1961 did 240 kph and rattled through the 0-100 in 7.2 seconds. Sure, this thing was an eye opener in those days and I remember driving one and being blown away by the power and torque - but we are talking “performance” cars here. Jaguar’s own XK SS did 230 kph and 5.2 for the 0-100 4 years earlier, while the ’61 Ferrari 250 GTO did 290 kph and 0-100 in 5.0 seconds. Liked the E Type, but it shouldn’t be there at number 7.

8th has me totally beaten. The Mazda MX5 of 1990 was a great little fun car. I owned one for three years and loved it. But a “performance” car? Never! With a top clip of 180 kph and 0-100 in 9.1 this cannot be included in a top 10. The Porsche 959 three years earlier did 315 kph and covered the 0-100 in 3.7 seconds.

Number 9 is the 1996 Lotus Elise, which can clock 200 kph and did the 0-100 in 5.5. Great car again, but really in the top 10?

TVR Cerbera

Finally, their 10th place was taken by the Honda NSX. This Honda in 1991 would do 260 kph and lope through the 0-100 in 5.9 seconds. I have driven a few NSX’s and while they are wonderfully forgiving motor cars, the long legged gearing makes them feel not quick under acceleration. Another doubtful top tenner in my opinion.

For the record, here’s my top 10 “Performance” cars - nothing to do with more bang for your baht. This is raw performance. The McLaren F1 has to be there, plus any of the high performance Porsche 911 variants like the 959, for example. Ferrari’s have to be in there, so let’s go for the F40. Also in this list would have to be the Jaguar XJ 220, with its 340 kph top speed and 0-100 in 3.6 seconds, surely. The TVR Cerbera would be in there too, with its 300 kph and 0-100 in 4 seconds.

I’d have to throw the Nissan Skyline R33 in the list too, with its 250 kph and 4 second 0-100. The Lambo Diablo has to be there, even though it is a ridiculous motor car to drive on the road (yes, I have done an extensive test on one), but with a top speed of 330 kph and 0-100 in 3.8 seconds, it oozes performance. Another exotic is the Bugatti EB110, with a top speed of 340 kph, but a little slower in the 0-100 at 4.5 seconds. Another top tenner and one that I have never seen is the Noble M12 GTO which can do 250 kph and 3.9 seconds 0-100 (very similar to the Nissan Skyline R33). Add in the Ford GT40 with its 320 kph and 5 second 0-100 and the BMW M Coupe at 260 kph and 4.9 second 0-100 and you have ten real performance cars. Any of you who have got others you would consider to be top 10 vehicles, drop me an email.

Haynes Manuals

Anyone who has even the slightest spark of DIY in them would be familiar with the Haynes Manuals. The official repair book as issued by the manufacturer is not written with the DIY man in mind. I can always remember reading the MGA handbook on how to remove the Hardy Spicer uni from the prop shaft. “Tap the yoke lightly and the bearing should emerge,” said the book. This is a complete and utter make-up. You can tap the housing all day and nothing will happen. You can drown it in WD40, CRC or Sonax or any other of the wonderful dewatering lubricants and nothing will happen. Brute force and shatter the case hardened needle roller cup is the only answer. Anyone who has done it will undoubtedly agree.

Anyway, courtesy of an email from my motorcycling mate, Alan Coates, here is a little bit about the correct translation of some of the technical terms in Haynes Manuals.

Haynes - Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation - Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes - This is a snug fit.
Translation - You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes - Pry...
Translation - Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes - Undo...
Translation - Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes - Retain tiny spring...
Translation - “Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out”!
Haynes - Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation - OK - that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes - Compress...

Translation - Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering “bugger” repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes - Inspect...

Translation - Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, “Yep, as I thought, it’s going to need a new one”!

Haynes - Carefully...
Translation - You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation - Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes - Get an assistant...
Translation - Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes - Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

Translation - However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes - Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation - But you swear in different places.
Haynes - Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation - Snap off...
Haynes - Index
Translation - List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun - Go to the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in “mine will never look like that...”

NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist.

Autotrivia Quiz

Last week I wrote that Works Mercedes driver Herman Lang won the Swiss GP in 1939. The next time a Mercedes won the Swiss GP was in 1954, when the late and great J.M. Fangio stormed home to win, leading from start to finish. The question was - why did Mercedes never again enter this GP?

The answer was very simple. Following the multiple fatalities at the Le Mans 24 hour race Switzerland banned motor racing and there never has been a Swiss GP since.

So to this week’s quiz question. In 1966 Ford Motor Company won Le Mans with their GT40’s. This was a milestone for America, because it had been many years since America had done well at the 24 hour classic. In fact, previous to 1966, the best American race car placing was a second. The question is - what was the year and what was the car that came in second?

For the Automania FREE beer this week, be the first correct answer to fax 427 596 or email [email protected]

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