Features

Pattaya Clean up
Not many 2,000 Baht fines are likely to be collected for dropping a paper bag or a cigarette end in the streets. The local highways are so crowded with overflowing rubbish sacks that it is almost impossible to find a bit of pavement to commit your crime. If ever they get round to opening a new sewage system, it will probably be an offence to flush the toilet.
Common Market
A British couple recently completed a tour of South East Asia. In the Philippines, they bought a beautiful model of a horse-drawn carriage which was stamped “Made in Taiwan”. The porcelain tea service from Malaysia was marked “created in Singapore”. The plastic monkey they bought in Pattaya carried the message “hello from Hong Kong”. Expect them soon to start talking about a common currency.
Sweating it out
Seen on T-shirts around town:
Unlock your imagination with handcuffs
Bo Peep did it for the insurance
A hot-dog feeds the hand that bites it
Join the hernia society - it needs your support
I have lost the key to safe sex.

Property Boost
The government is considering extending the allowable foreign ownership in condominium projects from the current 40%. But the Condominium act must first be amended by the Interior Ministry. Given that current condo ownership by foreigners is about 10% , this is no emergency.
Leg from Limb
A Sriracha Farang condo owner was arrested this week after he savagely beat up a neighbour discovered in bed with his wife. Pleading mitigation, the accused told arresting officers, “I did not mean to break both his legs, the left one was a mistake.”
Death Penalty
Visa runners to Phnom Penh and Hong Kong report a new poster appearing in Thai consular offices. It warns that the death penalty is available in Thailand for drugs trafficking. European countries now have police officers, working with Bangkok’s Crime Suppression squad, in all major Thai cities. This crackdown is for real.
All girls together
Seen in a posh health club: “Ladies changing room. Please bare with us during the improvements. Do not use the toiletes for the wrong sex.”
Fine furniture
Some of the best value tables, chairs and cabinets are on sale at the prisoners’ workshop at Chonburi central jail, known locally as Chonburi monkey house. The shop is in the open area outside of the prison. Both prices and quality are good. Don’t ask for overnight accommodation.
Poll Teaser
According to a UK poll, only 11% of British teenagers are interested in politics whilst 59% are bored by the subject. 30% could not understand the question. A separate survey of MPs wives demonstrated that 50% of them had slept only with their husband last year, whilst 49% had taken a lover. 1% said they couldn’t remember.
Idiom interpretation
A rather smart local lass who has achieved near fluency in the English language, still has a little trouble grasping English/American idioms. She took me by surpirse the other day when out of the blue she asked me what “Hold your breasts” meant. Apparently an English tutor told her this during one of her lessons. With her being a rather well endowed lass, it took me a minute to figure out what he actually told her. “Hold your breath,” I finally told her. It means to be quiet.