Doggy Position
A Farang on Jomtien Beach showed his friend a newspaper survey which claimed that 70% of married couples don’t mind letting the dog watch them make love. “That sums up my sex life,” said the friend. “The dog watches me learn how to beg and then watches her roll over and play dead.”
Overweight Diet
The latest thing in town is the “Lose seven pounds in a week reducing plan”. You pay 4000 baht up front, but eat only what the delivery boy brings to your front door. A plump German lady decided to try it. Within an hour, a van arrived and she was handed a pile of trays suitable for the microwave. “Not too bad,” she thought to herself, as she greedily devoured the entire delivery. Next day, she telephoned the company to ask why the van had not shown up on day two. “Madam,” was the reply, “yesterday we delivered all your food for a week”.
Please Sir
A Farang teacher has been disciplined in one of Thailand’s posh school after failing to note a pupil’s mistake in a test paper. In answer to the question “Who wrote The Three Musketeers?” the youngster had written “Alexander Dumb Ass”. Unhappily for the teacher, the boy had shown his 100% score to his parents who were not amused.
Choking Fumes
At last, a solution has been found to Bangkok’s traffic jams and poisonous fumes. A British tour operator, named The Wonders of Thailand, advises that “the capital’s traffic problems are significant both day and night. We suggest that you avoid places of interest or travel everywhere on foot.” Come back Basil Fawlty and the Ministry of Silly Walks. All is forgiven.
Rising Prices
Despite optimistic official figures, goods of interest to Farangs are being hit seriously by inflation. In ten years time, Pattaya could look like the Spanish holiday resorts of the 1970s; large numbers of retired foreigners unable to live comfortably on fixed incomes. Having sold their properties in the old country, they could not afford to return home either. Pattaya is an excellent retirement destination. But only for the well heeled.
Free Sex
A rather stuck-up young stud arrived recently in Pattaya. He was used to having the girls swoon all over him back in Europe. After the usual bar hopping, he alighted in a night club in Soi Diamond where he was chatted up by a girl from Chiang Mai. Spurning her advances, he exclaimed, “I have never paid for sex in my life and I’m not starting now.” The girl replied, “No problem. You can pay for my father’s operation instead.”
Linguaphone
Although most of Pattaya’s adult language schools offer good value for money, there are exceptions. A Farang paid 5,000 baht up front for twenty lessons to learn basic Thai. On his first day, he was led into an empty room equipped only with a tape recorder. He was told, “You listen to tape for one hour and then I see you tomorrow same time.”
Chin Up
Quite a crowd gathered round the tourist in the coffee shop of one of Pattaya’s five star hotels. Emblazoned on his T-shirt was, “I don’t know where my skin graft came from but I have haemorrhoids on my chin.”
Interpol
Thanks to new levels of co-operation between the European and Thai police, word is out that Pattaya is no safe haven. In January alone, four embezzlers and pornographers have been shipped off home to face serious charges. In one case, the file dates back to 1989. His Thai funds were confiscated to pay first class air fares for himself and two accompanying officers. After receiving his just desserts, he reached his goal.