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Dear Hillary,
My Thai GF wants me to go with her up country to meet her parents. We have been together for almost a year, but I do not want to go, as I’m not convinced the relationship will really last, the girl wants lots of time with the girlfriends coming home all hours and I think she might be ‘working’ if you know what I mean. How do I tell her I’m not going? I don’t want to be rude to her folks, but it’s not on as far as I’m concerned.
Jamie

Dear Jamie,
It’s easy, my Petal. You just say, “Sorry, but I’m not going up country.” Then you leave it like that. However, never mind the trip to see her folks, I can see you have a huge problem with your relationship with your GF. You need to get all your doubts out of the way before going further down the relationship pathway. In fact, I’d probably recommend you run backwards down the relationship highway, Petal.

Dear Hillary,
After living together for six months, with me paying for everything, the Thai GF demanded I give her joint access to my bank a/c, and put on a right scene, telling me I was ‘keeneow’ and she didn’t like asking me for money all the time. Hillary, I was not at all mean, she was given money to cover anything she asked for. She settled down after that, but then changed the bank account into her name as she said it was better like that to get a loan for a house. It’s now five years and we got a loan (she got a loan), so we are in house, but she is showing less and less interest in me, despite the fact she is where she is today because of the sweat from my back. I am thinking of divorce, but don’t want to lose everything (like I did in the good old US of A).
Elwood

Dear Elwood,
It looks to me that your relationship went bad some years ago. When based on money, it isn’t a good foundation. However, my Petal, there is some good news. With divorce in Thailand, assets are divided 50/50, so you will get half a house and half of any other significant items.

Dear Hillary
My girlfriend seems to work in a totally different time clock to me. She can go up the road to the market and come back two hours later as if she’d just been away for five minutes. She takes the maid with her so I know she’s not up to something. How can I get her to understand I get worried that something has happened to her?
Rolex

Dear Rolex,
Thai people do not have the pressing need to watch the clock the way foreigners do. You should explain to her that you are not checking up on her as this is certainly not good for any relationship, but that you are just worried for her safety, which is something Thai people do understand and appreciate. You should also make sure she takes a mobile phone with her. Buy her one if she hasn’t got one already. They are cheap enough these days and will save you hours of agonizing.

Dear Hillary,
The usual suckers in this ‘land of smiles’ where money talks really loudly and losers (like myself) can’t even afford to take a baht bus ride (farang price; which is a bit ironic because I guestimate that many Thais in Jomtien and Pattaya are a lot better off than a farang on a pension). Having said that, I do think that bar girls and sex workers in Thailand are badly ripped off by greasy old sex tourists. If a pot-bellied, bald 60 year old male wants to sleep with a beautiful 20 year old girl (and younger), he should pay accordingly; at least 5,000 baht a night and not the derisory 50 euros (2,000 baht) he is now getting away with. The Thai authorities should step in and safeguard these girls’ interests. That same greasy old sex tourist would be paying a heck of a lot more for similar services in Europe.
Yours, a sad old walker (that is ‘walker’)

Dear Sad Old Walker,
In your letter, you are suggesting that 60 year old overweight bald male tourists should be subject to a 500 percent escalation in dormitory fees - I don’t quite understand this at all. Firstly, there are no “sex workers” here and you can verify this by asking any policeman. Secondly, it is against the law - you can check the statutes on this fact. So you see, the “Thai authorities” (the police) are already safeguarding the interests of those girls who work in the bars, so you can stop worrying. Incidentally, this is a type of discrimination you are proposing. What about 60 year old tourists that still have hair, or who are not overweight? Will they be made to pay your new schedule of fees too? Your “new order” needs refining, Petal. By the way, I’m sorry you have to walk everywhere, but I’m sure the exercise is good for you.