Dear Hillary,
I will come clean right off and say that I do spend a fair bit of time at night in the bars. I am single, and it’s a good way to meet people. The old bill in the cup routine I think is very good because it shows that the bar trusts you not to lose a couple before you pay at the end of the night. Recently though I have been getting the feeling that my bill is not right, because it seems to be a lot more than I thought it should be. Is it OK to check the amount yourself before the girl takes the cup to the cashier? I don’t want them to think I don’t trust them, when they are trusting me. What is the usual thing?
Unsure Drinker

Dear Unsure,
How old are you, Petunia? Are you really old enough to go to bars? It is your bill, for the drinks you bought and consumed, plus any “lady drinks” that the nice people you meet drank as well. Most bars will total up your drinks bills and write this on the back of the bunch of bills, plus what size bill you paid it with. But you are the consumer, so you are entitled to check the bill(s). You will find most Thai people will very carefully check every docket, so don’t be shy if you think you are being ripped off.

Dear Hillary,
Advice needed urgently, Hillary my Petal! There I was at a new bar and met this vision of loveliness. She speaks very little English but seems like a very genuine person. She comes from Ubon Ratchatani, and that’s about all I managed to find out after about four hours and several “lady drinks”. The biggest problem was only that she doesn’t speak much English, but we got by OK. By the end of the night I was pretty drunk and lent her 5000 baht. What should I do? Should I keep going, or should I give up now before I get in too deep?
Nelson

Dear Nelson,
Got the telescope up to the blind eye again, have you Admiral? This vision of loveliness who speaks very little English, still managed to find her way into your wallet to make it 5000 baht lighter, while you were still trying to find your way into her knickers. Honestly Nelson, people like you shouldn’t be allowed out without a nanny. When you ask me “should I keep going”, this is in relation to what? Keep drinking, keep handing over money or keep going in the gentle art of seduction? Face facts, Nelson, this is a girl in a bar who doesn’t speak your language (or you hers by the sounds of it), she works there hoping to meet gullible customers with wallets that are too heavy. And she just did - you! Kiss your five G’s goodbye and find another bar.

Dear Hillary,
Every day I go for a walk at the shopping center and most days I see a very pretty young woman drinking coffee in the coffee shop. Sometimes she is talking to a man, but other times she is just sitting on the coffee. I get a smile from her and I say “Hello” while I pass by. Do you think she is a ‘professional’ girl (you know what I mean)? And what should I do next? I really like her and would like to get to know her a bit more.
Marty

Dear Marty,
Imagine you are in your home town of Little Muddling on the Marsh (I think you are from the UK, Petal) and every day there is a pretty young woman drinking coffee in the coffee shop as you stroll by. What do you think her occupation might be? An official coffee taster for Nescafe? An official coffee shop seat tester? A ‘professional’ on the lookout (for suckers)? So, did you pick answer number three? Of course you did. So now you have answered your own question as well. Forget the coffee shop, Petal, unless you are ready to pay for the froth on top as well.

Dear Hillary,
Just a quickie. I want to send a girl I met last time I was up on holidays some money for her birthday which she tells me is just before Songkran later this year, but I’ve been told by some mates that it’s not too safe sending money by post to Thailand. As I won’t be back in Thailand till around Xmas this year, it is a bit late to bring it over myself. What’s your suggestion? The safer the better. I do want to make sure she gets it.
John

Dear John,
That is very nice and kind of you, but your little lady friend will soon tell you the best way, if you haven’t worked it out before Santa comes down the chimney. You don’t post it, you transfer it to her bank account, and she will have one, believe me! Posting is a no-no! She will know everything as far as money transfers are concerned, and even the daily currency conversion rates as well!