Dear Hillary;
My neighbor lady brought me a girl from up country to stay with me and ‘take care’ of me. The girl was lovely but would not speak to me in Thai or English. She was pretty smart and able to do things around the house with ease. Her aunt moved her into my bedroom but there was no amore to be found with the youngster. She seemed to be only interested in her cellphone, Thai TV and movie magazines. After a week the girl stopped making food and went back to the spare bedroom and locked herself in; this was the last straw for me and I asked her aunt to take her back. How can I get a directions manual on how to operate such girls? I tried flowers, clothing, shopping, food, chocolate, etc (no alcohol) to no avail. They do say ‘candy is dandy but liquor is quicker’. I shall try this other method next time. Singhajerry

Dear Singhajerry,
My Petal, just what did you think was going to happen in this arrangement? A lovely young girl from up country is brought down here, obviously against her will, by an “aunt” who undoubtedly was on a percentage of the young girl’s earnings. You expected this young flower would cook, clean, organize, play hostess, do the banking, keep you company day and night, and be cheery every morning as she served you breakfast in bed. Just what rock have you been hiding under, Petal? That kind of “arrangement” does not exist in real life, so there is no SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) manual for fairy tales. However, I am so pleased to see that there are still some MCP’s (Male Chauvinist Pigs) alive and kicking, as I thought they were swept away with the purges in the 1970’s. Come on, Jerry. Come back to the ‘real’ world!

Dear Hillary,
You had a letter the other week wondering if all Thai girls told lies. Yep, Hillary, you got it in one - not just Thai women, but blokes as well; it’s good manners here to tell other people what you think they want to hear. No matter that its BS, it’s polite! This can be very, very hard for farangs to make allowance for and to accept; most would regard this as lying/game-playing, the opposite of the straight-talking which most farangs (and especially we Aussies) want to use and hear in personal dealings.
Adrian
Dear Adrian,
I am so glad you can see that there is more than one way of communicating in this world, and different cultures will produce different ways of getting to the same end point (if you are lucky). Yes, Thais will tell you what they think you want to hear, so you have to beware. Sometimes it is better to phrase any question in two ways and see if you get the same response from your favorite Thai person.

Dear Hillary,
Thai girls are wonderful, especially the working bar girls! They are a delight to be with, laugh easily, treat you as if you are special. Of course, it is their business ... so what! Treat them with respect and tenderness and most will respond in kind. I have been married to a Thai girl for 7+ years. She is the best. We are happy together in USA.
Yankee Doodle

Dear Yankee Doodle,
You are correct, the bar girls generally are a delight to be with, and dole out special treatment at the drop of a wallet. However, from the long term point of view (as opposed to the “long time” point of view), you have to be sure that your prospective life’s partner does not look upon your relationship as an ongoing part of the business. If you can get over that hurdle, you probably can go for years. But “Festina Lente” (hasten slowly) and “Caveat Emptor” (let the buyer beware)!

Dear Hillary,
How is the chocolates and champers appeal going? Anyone ever drop the loot off? I have been tempted, just so that I can see you in the flesh, but I’m only in Thailand a couple of times a year, and I don’t remember until I’m on the plane going back home again. Maybe next time. Biggest problem is getting the champagne through customs at the Middle East stop-over. I can buy it in London OK, but then it gets taken off me.
Robert

Dear Robert,
What can I do to jog your memory, my Petal? I can understand the problems with duty free goods, but I am worth paying full price for, surely? Especially since you wish to see me “in the flesh” as you put it. However, it will take several bottles of bubbly for me to show much more than a well-turned ankle. Chocolates are even easier, Robert, and in fact you can get those at our bigger shopping centers. You don’t have to worry about duty free/customs at all. But please, do try and find some nice Belgian chocolates, and not a Mars bar.