Dear Hillery,
Do you think the Pattaya woman have got good enuff English to be able to be a good wife for a Brittish penshoner (sic). I want to come over at Chrissmas (sic) and get reddy (sic) for to live there in 2014. I just want a nice quite (sic) woman. Your (sic) the best one I think to talk to. Is this OK?
Cyril

Dear Cyril,
You are such a lovely chap, I am going to do my best to help you, my Petal, even though you got my name wrong. If you want to find a nice lady in Pattaya to look after you and talk to you in English, you will first off have to learn English yourself. As well as your spelling, you have to learn the difference between “your” and “you’re”, and the plural of “woman” is “women”, and I think you meant “quiet” and not “quite”. After that, then think about coming to live here, but before you book that one-way ticket, go and take a few Thai language lessons. The women here are Thai and speak Thai. They will have a working knowledge of English, but that is all, but if what you need is “Hello sexy man” and “Sit down please” and “One moah?” then come over now. And bring a lot of money, there’s a good chap. I’ll help you look for your bilingual angel (that means she can speak two languages, Petal).

Dear Hillary,
This is it. I am getting very close to popping the question, but where should I go to do it? A fancy restaurant is the usual place I suppose, but I don’t want her to think that after she says “yes” her life will be one long round of fancy restaurants. The budget doesn’t go that far. On the beach, with sand between the toes and a tropical sunset? That might do. What do you think Hillary?
Jason

Dear Jason,
I don’t think the beach is such a good option, Petal. Interruptions every two minutes from battered prawn sellers, ice cream offerings and a windmill on a stick will certainly dampen the romance. Give me a fancy restaurant every day (one that sells French champagne), and I think you should just take her there, saying that you have some special news to tell her, so you are taking her to a special place. She will know that it must really be important for you to unlock your money belt! All the best, but if she says “no” I’ll pop over and help you with the champers.

Dear Hillary,
I wanted a hair cut so I went to my usual barbers the other day, to find it was closed. This was something new to me, so I drove around to see the next one, and it was closed as well. Asking around with my friends, I was told that all barbers close on Wensdays (sic) and it was a Wensday (sic) that I was looking at. Can you tell me why they all want to shut on that day. I had to spend the rest of the afternoon in the pub instead. Is it a goverment (sic) rule or what? Just sign me Hairy Harry.

Dear Hairy Harry,
Aren’t you lucky, it was just the Bar-ber that was closed, and not the Bar-beer! Your friends were correct, the barbers close on Wednesday (write out the correct spelling 100 times, Petal). It is not a government (write this one out 100 times as well) rule, but comes from the fact that we consider it to be bad luck to cut your hair on a Wednesday, so the clever barbers may as well close, rather than spread the bad luck. It is something like the old religious edict of “no meat on Fridays” overseas, which gave the butchers a holiday as well.

Dear Hillary,
Some of your sorry letter writers seem to think all women are the same. All women are not the same. Thai women are not the same as western ones and bar girls are a different species altogether. They should stop feeling sorry for themselves and get out and enjoy the company of the ladies in the bars. That’s what they’re there for. You don’t have to buy the library when you want to read a book.
Gerry from Down-Under

Dear Gerry from Down-Under,
Despite the 50 percent divorce rate in many countries, including Australia, all women are very obviously not the same. I’m not like that for one. I agree that if you want a ‘good time’, the good time girls are there to give it to you. The problems always arise when the smitten male forgets that a good time girl is just that - a good time girl. A girl for the good times in life, not a girl who is good for life times. It should also be understood that a beer bar is not an outside office for an accredited match-making and marriage agency. I have said in this column many times that you don’t go into a hardware shop if you are looking for a piece of cheese.