Heart to Heart – May 5 – May 21, 2020


Social distancing

Dear Hillary,

With the distancing rules where you can’t even sit next to someone, what will this do to the baht bus business? Normally they seem to pack about 20 people in one bus to give them enough revenue, but what are they going to do with only 10? However there is something even more important – what do you do for the rumpy pumpy thing? You can’t do that 2 meters apart, can you? Or is this some conspiracy plot to limit the number of babies born in 2021?


Dear Jack,

Is this a conspiracy plot? I don’t think so my Petal unless you feel the world’s medical authorities are in cahoots with the manufacturer of face masks. I’d love to walk into a bank with one on, to see what they would do. Unfortunately I haven’t got enough money to be worthy of a bank account so they would laugh. Just for light entertainment and your memory, in what old movie did one of the stars go into a bank and said “Esto es un robo.”?

Booked out planes

Dear Hillary,

She goes up country for two days every couple of weeks, but always comes back a couple of days late, with a credible excuse, but I’m getting a bit suspicious. Comes back with extra clothes as she says there was a village fair and she got them cheap, but she seems to forget she had already taken a couple of suitcases of clothes with her which she said she gives away to the villagers. I give her money to cover the air fare, but she comes back by bus as she says the planes were all booked out. For two days? Is this normal behavior for village girls, or am I being taken for a ride? We have been together for four months but I don’t think the way she acts is right. I haven’t had any experience with Thai girls, so I can’t compare with others, but you must know. Should I just let it slide, or should I show her the door?


Dear Jeremy,

I can certainly see that you are not happy, but there are always two sides to any story. You don’t have a very deep relationship or you wouldn’t be so ready to show her the door. Petal, why are you staying in this very new relationship? Rightly or wrongly, your relationship is doomed. I suggest you terminate your unhappy union as soon as you can. As you pointed out, you have no experience of the local ladies. Wait till you have more than a passing interest in a few ladies before asking one to join you as a live-in girlfriend. And, just by the way, local custom is that you have to pay the girl a sum of money for her to vacate your home.


Down at the lock-down

Dear Hillary,

How are you getting on with the lockdown? What do you do now that the local markets are closed? Convenience stores are expensive so I don’t think you would use them. You can’t even be taken to dinner, because the restaurants are closed. How do you survive Hillary?


Dear Ron,

Thank you for thinking of me, and worrying about my lack of restaurant dinners of suitable standard. It has been a case of remembering what my mother taught me many years ago. I now only have one meal in the morning because my mother was helpless in the kitchen, and cornflakes were the life saver then, and the life saver today. I avoid the muesli stuff as the nuts get under my dental plate.

Having it off with the staff

Dear Hillary,

One of the cleaning girls at work is starting to give me the eye and stops for a chat if we meet in the corridors. Seems pleasant enough, but I would put her age at around 50 and “plump”, all the way to “fat”. When I say chat it’s more of a Thai language lesson, and when she runs out of English, away she waddles. I’m 36 by the way. Now why am I writing to you? I am wondering if she would make a good maid for at home as I haven’t got a maid and it’s just me at home. What would happen if I suggested it, and how much should I pay her?


Dear Raymond,

I get the impression that you have already made up your mind and are looking to Hillary to place my blessing on the union. I don’t think it would be a good idea to employ her as a maid/bed-mate, simply because of the age difference and you not being madly in love or anything. Am I right, Petal? Leave your little fatty to chats in the corridor and nothing further.