Heart to Heart with Hillary


22 March -28 March 2019

Hotter by degrees

Dear Hillary,
I have two girlfriends on the go at present. One is studying at university and the other works in a bar. The university one is dumb (and her varsity friends as well) and knows nothing about the world outside (the world I come from). The bar girl is worldly wise, knows about Trump, Europe, BREXIT, ASEAN, computers. Comes across as a well-educated young woman, and knows far more than the other one. So why do I stick with the university student? She’s better in bed.

Dear Randy,

Re-reading your email, it looks to me like you have to educate the bedmate in the ways of the world, and educate the bar girl in the ways of the bed. Quite a turn-around, however, bar girl is already on the game and is therefore able to be taught.

Anyone seen a brain box?

Dear Hillary,
What is the fine for not wearing a helmet? I hate wearing the thing as it is so darn hot. Up till now I have not broken any rules, but if the fine is low enough, I’ll enjoy myself. I ride a saleng (the sidecar shop/kitchen) and I believe the rules are the same for them as far as helmets go. Can you please advise me on this?

Dear Gus,
What do you consider is a low price for breaking the law? A fine? Or how about brain damage? Well more damage than you obviously have already. Look at it this way my Petal. Broken arms and legs get better with time. Brains do not. Finally, do you sell crepes from the saleng? Please park it off the road when you stop. I have just missed a few of your group when they stop on the road.

Only another six months to go.

Dear Hillary,
I have just had the best time ever with a lovely Thai girl, touring all over your beautiful country. We began as me needing a guide and she offering. She is such a lovely person, I couldn’t believe my luck. I have extended my visa by 14 days, but I have to be getting back home. She says she will keep in touch with me and look after me next time I come over. Does this sort of thing really happen? I know I am going to miss her terribly until October when I can get back here again. I just need to know that she will be the same as I don’t think I could handle rejection.

Dear Cyril,

You’ve got it bad, haven’t you Petal. This isn’t love, this is infatuation. How old are you anyway, I think you are too young to handle this situation? Stay in touch with her, but remember that she has to live, so will be working during the next six months. You won’t believe this, but in six months you will be able to handle the situation and will meet another angel.

Hello Ladies!

Dear Hillary,
You always have advice for all the lovelorn men out there to be very wary of the bargirls, but what about us women visitors? Is it the same for us? We are just looking for a good time while we are here, not looking for a long term relationship (we’ve all had those and have escaped from them at home TG). What do you have to say for us? You know, woman to woman. Is it safe? And where are the best places?

Dear Ethel,

A new tourist attraction! Thailand’s bar boys, and here I was thinking that you all went to Spain or Uganda or somewhere like that. I must let the Tourism Authority of Thailand know you are coming. They might even lay on a welcome committee at the airport for you and your girlfriends. How many of them will be coming over here as well? There will be no problem for them to find a willing partner (non-long term). You will recognize them as they wear trousers with a zip on both sides, so they can swing either way.

Noodle for the doodle?

Dear Hillary,
The local noodle shop has got a gorgeous young girl doing the deliveries. They’ve only been going two weeks but I’ve already become friendly with them. Mom does the cooking and daughter does the running around. I am getting on really well and would like to take the next step with the girl, but how do I do this, Hillary? She has a little English and I have a little Thai, so it’s not too bad. Where do I begin? Do I talk to the Mom first or what? I am pretty serious about this, so don’t throw me in the waste bin.

Dear Danny,

What makes you think your ‘kwiteo’ girl is as interested as you are? Sure she’s not just being polite and getting you for business for her mother’s noodle shop? This is all far too fast, my Petal. How old are you? I would guess at much older than the noodle girl. Perhaps you should be looking at her mother instead? At least you will always get fed, though noodles three times a day might get you down in the end. Hope you handle chopsticks OK.