Dear Hillary,
I know you’ve written before about riding side saddle, but the other day I saw a taxi motorcycle with two girls, both side saddle but sitting opposite ways! Crazy man, crazy! I’m 45 years old and come here twice a year from the States and these Thai girls just crack me up every time. Like to comment on this one, Hillary, old girl?
Mel

Dear Mel,
My first comment is, don’t be so rude - what’s this “old girl” thing? I may not have come down in the last shower, but it isn’t up to you to throw off at anyone older than you. But then, you are American, so I may have to forgive you. As regards sitting side saddle and facing opposite directions, that is easy to explain, my Petal (you’re not an engineer I hope), but they travel like that to balance the motorcycle so that it goes round corners. Simple! And you already know that Thai girls like short tight skirts, so sitting astride is not possible without showing the world your underwear, which is not polite.

Dear Hillary,
You have told the farangs enough times that they should be very careful when with the bar girls, and I’ve taken your advice many times. Good fun to be with, but they’re just doing a job. My problem is a bit different. I was visiting a friend in the local public hospital and one of the nurses really went out of her way to help. It was the same the next day and the days after that, and we’ve become friendly. I’d like to ask her out (her English is pretty good) and wonder if you could give me a few tips as to the next move?
Joe

Dear Joe,
Goodness me, Petal! She is a girl, just like girls in your own country. What do you do there if you want to invite one out to get to know her better? You pluck up courage and ask. The worst that can happen is she says “No”. That’s not the end of the world, is it? If she does say “Yes”, then proceed slowly. Be the perfect gentleman, and don’t rush things. “Good” Thai women are rather shy, so don’t base your attitudes on what you have seen in the bars. And best of luck, Joe.

Dear Hillary,
I was told many years ago that you shouldn’t let your wife’s family come to stay with you, even just for a few days, as it always ends up for weeks or months. I thought I was lucky because it never happened to me. Relatives might stay one or two nights, but that was it. Recently things have changed a lot now with her brother and her cousin and her mother all staying in the house with us. They all stay in the one room which I think is a bit unhealthy, and they’ve been here for three months and there’s no sign of them leaving. They are quiet and do help around the house and garden, but this wasn’t what I really expected. I asked my wife about it but she just says it’s OK and they’ll be going soon after they brother and cousin have got jobs and mother is just having a holiday. Well I wish I could have three month holidays. What’s the next move, Hillary? Enough’s enough, surely. I have a close family in the UK, but they wouldn’t come and stay forever.
Ernie

Dear Ernie,
You are now starting to see a little of what Thai society is all about, my Petal. Family reigns supreme, and it is usual for them all to sleep in the same room. It’s not unhealthy. It is Thai. When you got married, you joined a Thai family, much more than your wife joining your UK family. After all, you married a Thai lady and chose to live in Thailand. You would have to expect that Thai culture will be dominant. You can try voicing your reluctance to have them there, but be prepared for difficulties. This is your wife’s immediate family. You can always try to find them jobs - in a far away city. Lots of luck!

Dear Hillary,
What with all the Eurozone doom and gloom internationally and the world going into a recession, rice prices through the roof, petrol becoming a luxury, do you think this will produce a knock-on effect leading to an increase in costs in the red light areas in Thailand?
Bob

Dear Bob,
I am not sure what you mean, Petal. “Red light areas”? What and where are these areas? Do you mean under the traffic lights, but they also go orange and green and are ignored by all road users as being unimportant, so I presume that wasn’t what you meant. If you mean the bars, then you should be more specific, Petal. With rice, the staple food in Thailand doubling in price, one must expect that beer, the staple drink in the bar areas, will also be going up in price. I cannot think of any other costs in the bar areas, as prostitution is against the law, and therefore does not happen. (The Deputy PM told me.)