Hi Hillary,
Love your column. We come over twice year and you always keep me up to date on what is happening in Pattaya so yes this year we will be over on the 27th December so would love to drop off some chocs and not champagne but nice Margaret River Cabernet Sauvignon for you. Cheers,
Jo Ann Mandurah, Australia / Gods Country xxxxooooooo

Dear Jo Ann,
What a sweet and wonderful lady you are! The Margaret River area produces some great wines, and of course, you’re not allowed to call your Australian bubbly “champagne” because the French have this silly idea that they own the name. If it contains alcohol and comes in a bottle, I’ll love it! Thank you in advance for my Xmas present!

Dear Hillary,
I’m getting tired of all these no-hopers complaining about being ripped off by some bar girl somewhere. What do they expect? What do they think these girls do for a “living”? It’s not planting rice, is it? They could stay in Esarn and work on the family farm, but they don’t, do they? Because they can make more money more easily working out of a bar. The money, as we know, comes from all the no-hopers who shell out big bikkies and then wake up that they’ve been fleeced. This is not something new, Hillary, and it’s not rocket science either. What’s wrong with these people?
George

Dear George,
I think you are being a little hard on our bar-beer sponsors, Petal. What is wrong, is not that they are no-hopers, as you call them, but something is missing in the relationships they have had before in their own countries that makes them suckers in this environment? They have come from relationships with no hope, but here there is hope - even though it may be misguided. Be a little more forgiving, George, or are you one of the ones who have been fleeced and now you are angry with the world, instead of angry at yourself?

Dear Hillary,
Every few weeks the Pattaya Police rope in all the girls along Beach Road, fine them B. 500 and let them go. What are the police trying to do here? Are they a danger or something? Or are they easy pickings for the BIB? You seem to be able to answer most things, answer me this one.
Will

Dear Will,
Answer me this one - what are these girls actually doing? They are not working as tourist guides, are they. These girls (and some not quite ‘girls’) are soliciting, and that does not mean they are in the employ of a solicitor, though many people would argue there is a similarity. They may be doing the same services as the bar-girls, but bar-girls can be traced through their employers mamasan who holds copies of their ID. The Beach Road belles work at night and fly by night. It really is a case of ‘caveat emptor’ (let the buyer beware) if entering into a contract with the street walkers. Since our city fathers don’t want to see the tourists being ripped off by girls who cannot be traced, the simplest method is to get them off the streets. However, I don’t know that the B. 500 fine does much for anybody.

Dear Hillary,
There are two very nice girls I have met recently and I would like to take them out. My problem is the fact that they both work in the same office! If I take one out, I am worried the other then will not come - and vice versa. I have no intention of settling down and my contract runs out anyway soon. What do you advise, wise Hillary?
Undecided.

Dear Undecided,
Why are you cluttering up your life agonizing over ridiculous decisions that don’t have to be made? You have already said you are only here for a short time, so stop worrying! If you are desperate to take them both out then ask them both at the same time and invite them to go to the zoo with you. I think you should be in a cage anyway, as you need protection.

Dear Hillary
I’m suffering from a case of what I can only call Go Go Syndrome. I find it impossible to walk past a Go Go bar without having to go in and see those beautiful girls dancing in their bikinis. It’s become a severe drain on my finances and although I try and run past the bars I find myself stopping and worrying what I may be missing out on. I blame the owners of these places for teasing my well earned baht out of me. My girlfriend isn’t happy either. Please help.
Go-go’d or gone

Dear Go-go’d or gone,
What can Hillary say to help you in your hour of need? Perhaps you could start the local chapter of Go-Go Anonymous? However, I think the answer to both your problem and that of your girlfriend is to buy a chrome pole and a mirror for your lounge room and let your girlfriend sing thongs for you!