Dear Hillary,
It is always amazing the way questions are couched on your page. Rather Shy (April 6th) does seem a bit disadvantaged being shy while, as you suggest, he was in a bar. Rather Shy seems to dislike being asked direct questions and you reply that he is lucky that anyone is interested enough to even ask questions. Anyway I have to take an opposing view to your response on this one. I accept that many girls are doing a social fact find but I don’t agree that the formula is correct and therefore to be tolerated. So far so good. So a girl sees a boy and dives in asking questions. We all know the format and it is probably as tedious for the girl as the customer. Already she is in dominant mode: she wants me in the bar, to sit down, to place an order, and surrender to questions... I have changed the routine and, so long as the girl understands enough, suggest to her immediately following the initial “What’s your name?” that she should give me something before she asks for something. This is always funny as the moment is always of total non understanding and confusion. However, by the time she realizes that offering her name before asking mine is an even deal and much more acceptable we have become the best of friends. As soon as the fun starts girl realizes I am interested in her, her name, her family, her money, etc., and I am just as happy to reciprocate or trade information; photos on both sides come out, pictures of husbands and wives, children, pets, etc., always still ending up with “you pay bar fine?”

Now I never answer the first question. If the girl doesn’t understand my trade she is not, in my mind, ready yet, or, to return to your statement not interested enough.
Not Desperate, Pattaya

Dear Not Desperate, Pattaya,
Well, aren’t you the cocksure one! I honestly can’t see that the difference in the approach has any merit to it, especially when, as you report, the ending is the same with a request for the bar fine to be paid. However, I can see that you are one of those people who like to dominate, so it is obviously more satisfying from your point of view, my Petal. However, you should realize the more astute workers behind the bar would have already seen through your attempt to dominate the cultural exchange and you are liable to end up drinking on your own, though probably feeling very self-satisfied. Beside yourself even, probably your favorite position?

Dear Hillary,
I’m in a bit of a spot here, as it seems that my wife’s Thai family believes in ‘give and take’ with them doing all the taking, while I do all the giving. The association has been mutually beneficial, with me enjoying her company and the attentiveness for which Thai women are so famous. I am from the UK and I know what I left back in the home country. I was a widower, and certainly had no mutually beneficial relationships, and not much likely to find one either. When I came here, I just couldn’t believe my luck. All these attentive young women who seemed to enjoy my company. It seems that the famous Thai attentiveness comes at a price. You get nothing for nothing but these women here make you forget this. They think they deserve a free ride in life, but nothing in life is free, is it? It certainly isn’t free for me. I can see myself being cleaned out in the next few months, and the British pension stays the same while the cost of living goes up. What’s your recommendation Hillary? Go under or cut and run while I can?
George

Dear George,
While the Thai society expects that the husband “gives” everything to the wife for her family, that is not your idea of the relationship, is it, Petal? As you say, you want a more equal ‘give and take’. Your thoughts and feelings are not being met here. You are in a relationship involving your Thai wife and himself. This does not mean that you have to forget your own roots and ideas. What you and your Thai wife have to do is to work out between you what you, as a couple, want to do. This is not a one-sided arrangement as you would appear to be having at present. George, you should have learned all about this side of Thai life before entering into a fixed relationship. However, all is not lost. The very first thing you have to do is to sit down with your wife and discuss the family finances, and by “family” I mean you and she. You have a fixed income as a British pensioner, and between the pair of you work out how much is put aside for your living expenses as a couple, and then you will see what you can afford to give to your wife’s Thai family. If you cannot come to an agreement, I’d be on the next bus out of town.