Dear Hillary,

Did you get wet over Songkrong (sic), or are you too old for that sort of thing? Me and my mates come over every year and it’s a blast I tell you. We are just sorry it doesn’t last more than a week, but we’d be too drunk to enjoy it. See you next year Hillary.

Pete and the gang

Dear Pete and the gang,

So you’ll see me next year, will you? Not if I see you first, Petal. I am sure you have no idea of what Songkran (not ‘Songkrong’, Pete) is about, the significance and the respect for the elders. You and your gang obviously have none.

Dear Hillary,

Did you go away for Songkran, or did you have to suffer the idiots with the squirt guns? I thought the guns made from water pipe were supposed to be banned? It was a mistake coming over at that time, something we will never do again. Lager louts with a license to shoot, it seemed like. Elderly, motor cycle riders, people in business outfits - it made no difference. The brainless idiots are laughing and screaming when someone else is soaked, or falls off their motorcycle after being hit in the face with ice water. We like Pattaya, but never again during Songkran, until those in power grab the nettle and legislate.

James

Dear James,

The excesses of Songkran put everyone off, other than those tourists who are naturally aggressive, but have no place to display it in their own countries. So I suppose, in a way, it could be considered therapeutic. I did not manage to get away, but I did stay indoors and ate pizzas (because they can slip those under the door, so you don’t get caught with a bucket in the face). It seems that nobody in power is willing to grasp the nettle as you say, and restrict the festival to one day, and the same day, throughout the country. Think how the death rates would fall.

Dear Hillary,

I want to get married again next year. I have been married before, but to an American woman, and that finished a few years ago, and almost finished my bank account as well. Now that I have found Thailand, I come over for a couple of months three times a year, so there’s plenty of time to get to know someone. What is the best way to go about finding my next wife? The bars certainly make it easy to get to know someone, and there are some stunners working there. I know you warn us about the girls from the bars, but what is the alternative?

David the Divorcee

Dear David the Divorcee,

It may have cost you money in the US to get unhitched, David, but don’t think that everything in Thailand is “free”. I can assure you that it is not. The girls from the bars are professionals in keeping men happy in their own delusions, but there is always a rude awakening when the girl becomes tired of keeping the man happy. Some extra money pumped into the relationship will get it steaming along fine again - for a while - until a financial top-up becomes necessary again. Bar girl relationships are business dealings, my Petal, and are based on that. Marriages should be based on love, physical and mental attraction and a desire to make the relationship permanent and strong.

So what is the alternative to a bar? Exactly the same as in the US, David. You join common interest clubs and associations, you keep an eye out for someone who pulls your string, be that in a restaurant, bank or dental surgery. Finding a ‘mate’ is not accomplished by taking the easy way - ‘easy’ bar girls who are ready to please, ending up in a union not based on any depth at all. Other than your wallet.

Forget this idea that you want to get married next year. If the right woman comes along you could even get married this year.

Dear Hillary,

Forgive poor English, but I write any way because we tired to hear foreigner complain all time about Thai girl. Him want good fun, him want keep house, him want go butterfly any time him want but want Thai girl stay home not go bar see friends. Him stingy all the time and complain. Him get everything, go butterfly and Thai girl get nothing. Not fair.

Thai Girl

Dear Thai Girl,

Thank you for showing there is another side to any relationship. The men who fit that description should read your letter again, to see what the girls from the bar really think of you. When you are off “butterflying”, don’t think your partner doesn’t know. And remember the British phrase, “What’s good for the goose is also good for the gander.” In these relationships, where there is no trust, it is only a financial ledger that keeps the situation going. Not donating enough money to the relationship earns you the title of ‘stingy’, because that is what it is all about - finances. Many of you men should heed this girl’s words, and take a long hard look at how you relate to live-in girlfriends.