My
Dear Hillary,
You jumped right on my malapropism ‘campain’ which was
incorrectly spelled on purpose. I know I have caused you much work on your spell
checker and am so solly. Butt, your attack on my abbreviated moniker KOTW
(keeper of the WOW) was questionable. Do you ever read this paper? Do you read
the mail from KOTO (keeper of the ocean)? He has stolen a slogan that is
actually a reference to an acient (sic) Japanese stringed instrument that
is used today. Being that his quest is to get left over cigarette butts off the
beach so it doesn’t gag the wildlife (katoyeys after dark?), he should be forced
to change his slogan to KOTB: Keeper Of The Butt. I have had enough exposure to
the overused ‘WOW’ exclamation that I will now suggest that adverts use the word
“SEX!” to grab the pubics (sic) attention. I will also unleash a campain,
(sic) for your sake, on the radio and TV announcers and hawkers of
merchandise that don’t know how to pronounce “PATTAYA”. “PATTY-YA”. Before you
get deported for repeated Pat ty ya, etc. listen to a Thai TV broadcast of the
news and get it right!
KOTW
I am glad I have given you something to do with your time,
between Singha beers, in looking up esoteric information. I am sure you also
found that the Japanese koto is similar to the Chinese guzheng during your
‘Googling’, neither of which are played in your adopted city of “Patty-ya”. And
while we are on about your pronunciations, just where did you get “katoyeys”
from? The more usual English spelling of the Thai word is “katoey” as it is a
transliteration (feel free to look it up, my Petal). I am also quite sure that
your use of “pubic” rather than the correct word “public” was just an
involuntary Malapropism, but never mind, it ended up quite apt. However,
“acient” for “ancient” doesn’t quite cut it, I’m afraid. Please say ‘Hello’ from
me to you other friends on the steps of the 7-Eleven.
Dear Hillary,
I have just had my 1 baht gold chain torn from my neck as I
was riding my motorcycle along Beach Road. I fell off as they yanked and broke
it, and they just scooted away. Nobody stopped them and I think the passers by
just thought I was drunk and fell off. Nobody got the number plate of the bike
they were on, either. I went to file a report with the police, but there’s not
much hope of getting it back. The police said they thought it was part of an
organized gang, but that doesn’t do anything for me either. Does this go on all
the time? Not good for tourism, I tell you. I’m not coming back.
Pete
Dear Pete,
Sorry to hear of your loss, Petal, but tourists are warned
not to display wealth in a flashy way. The robbers must have spotted your gold
chain being worn outside your shirt, to know that you were an easy target. I am
not trying to put the blame on anyone, but there are certain dangers in all
tourist resort cities throughout the world, and that is why there are these
types of robberies going on. Please don’t let it spoil your holiday, but just
put it down to experience, which will stand you in good stead anywhere in the
world at a later stage.
Dear Hillary,
Year after year, I see and hear many lonely, ignorant, old,
fools complaining about Pattaya’s bar girls and freelancers. But can you really
blame them? What do they expect? Thai girls, well as all girls in the world want
to be with someone their own age and not someone who can be their grandfather’s
age.
Thailand and especially Pattaya attracts some of the worst
quality tourists and expatriates is the world. We have alcoholics, druggies,
perverts, pedophiles, psychos, delinquents, criminals, crooks, losers and
loners. I know we do have some good “dirty-old-men” here who treat these girls
and women nicely and get along fine.
So stop whining. We have a good thing going here and enjoy
Thailand while it’s still affordable.
Happy Camper
Dear Happy Camper,
Oooh, I must meet your friends! Are all of them
alcoholics, druggies, perverts, pedophiles, psychos, delinquents, criminals,
crooks, losers and loners? No wonder you have such an attitude. I would too,
surrounded by all that lot! However, getting back to your letter, I wonder if it
should have been quite as bitter as it seems to be? In actual fact, the old
adage is very pertinent here, “You get what you pay for!” So if your motley lot
of alcoholics and all the others are happy to pay for the pleasures, knowing
there is no permanence being offered, then let them continue, and ignore their
complaints. By the way, not all the farangs in Pattaya are “alcoholics,
druggies, perverts, pedophiles, psychos, delinquents, criminals, crooks, losers
and loners”. I met a very nice chap the other evening. I just can’t remember his
name!