Personal Directions: Being assertive generally leads to winning situations

by Christina Dodd
Managing director of Westminster Portfolio Services (Thailand) Ltd.

I was talking with some colleagues the other day about young managers and, how today, there are so many areas of responsibility that they have to attend to and deal with. One skills area or should I say - behaviour - that is a necessity in any successful form of management or managerial style is being able to assert oneself. Now some of you may say that there are enormous cultural boundaries with respect to (and which affects) the way people behave and, to an extent I agree. But I don’t like to focus too much on cultural differences because sometimes they get in the way, turn into excuses as to why people don’t perform, and lessen our ability to view - and understand - the real person beneath what we see.

Just what is assertiveness?

Assertiveness emphasizes self-confidence and a persistent determination to express oneself or one’s opinions.

It’s about improving interpersonal skills, being more effective in communication in order to better handle problem people and situations.

It’s about being positive and in control - of thoughts, tone of voice, body language - the ability to communicate.

What does it involve?

It involves greater self-awareness, getting to know, like and be in-charge of the real you!

It involves listening and responding to the needs of others without neglecting a person’s own interests or compromising their principles.

Being assertive generally leads to winning situations, where both parties feel good about themselves.

For a little bit of background on this, let’s take a look at conditioning, and its contribution our patterns of behaviour. When we first entered this world, and until we were about six months old, we knew and demonstrated two forms of behaviour: aggressive, demanding behaviour and passive, dependent behaviour.

In our early development we were conditioned by people and events, and soon adapted to please parents or other adults responsible for our social training and up-bringing. We were told what was good and what was bad; what to do and what not to do. Good behaviour was rewarded with smiles and favours, but sometimes bad behaviour was rewarded too - with attention. And so the passive / aggressive pattern builds and as adults we slide into the adapted behaviour to achieve our own ends, to keep the peace or to satisfy others - often forgetting and sacrificing our own well-being.

Passive and aggressive behaviours come naturally to us and often seem the easy (though not usually the most effective) way out, whereas assertive behaviour requires a cognitive process rather than a gut reaction.

Assertive behaviour is learnt - we were not born assertive.

Depending on our own mood, the situation, the people involved and so on, we frequently respond somewhere between passive-through-aggressive, without giving a thought to the assertive option which recognizes the needs, feelings and opinions of both ourselves and the other person.

Conditioning plays an important part in the way we act and react as an adult. As a child we may have learned that it is not polite for a lady to express anger, or that it is a sign of weakness to cry in public, or that men should enjoy physical contact sports and so on. This quiet conditioning has coloured the way we see ourselves and others, but the good news is that conditioning has not fixed our personality forever. We are constantly developing and changing. Things learned can be unlearned, alternative behaviours can be rehearsed and practiced until they become natural behaviours.

It should be stressed here that it is not necessarily a bad thing to react passively or aggressively, just as being assertive might not always be the best behaviour choice. There is such a thing as appropriate behaviour choice and passive and aggressive behaviours are sometimes appropriate, depending on the situation.

Before I go any further, I would like to add that being assertive is a quality not only desired in today’s managers, it is quality desired in just about everyone in view of the richness of life it can give to individuals and to society as a whole.

Assertiveness training can be of huge benefit as a means of self-development. People with good assertiveness skills will also have increased self-awareness, greater confidence and self-esteem, honest and powerful effective communication skills. They will have respect for themselves and others.

Most central to this is positive thinking. Assertive people have a positive self-image; they will use positive language; they will look for positive outcomes to interactions; they will work with the other person to provide positive solutions to problems by which both sides win; they will be positive in their respect for the other person’s views and opinions, whether or not they share these views.

In preparing to be assertive there are many such factors to consider, such as, self-awareness and self-esteem, positive self-image, body talk and body language, positive verbal skills, voice volume, intonation and projection, position and status.

Out of all these factors, let’s take a brief look at positive verbal skills. Assertive communication means be able to express oneself concisely and clearly in a direct, honest and spontaneous way.

It also means to:

* State exactly what you feel or think; don’t expect people to be mind-readers

* Tackle the problem, not the person

* Match vocabulary to the listener

* Deal with specifics, not generalizations

* Don’t over-apologize - once is enough if sincerely said and in an assertive manner. Don’t apologize for everything and to everyone!

* Don’t give excessive explanations

* Take ownership of your message. Have the confidence to say “I” and take responsibility for individual opinion!

Being assertive generally leads to winning situations. Unfortunately, in the same way as you will not become slimmer and trimmer by watching a fitness workout video, you will not become assertive just by reading words on a page. You need to be actively involved and you have to get out there and practise. Start with something small and if you make a mistake, forgive yourself and try again!

For more information on our programs including Assertiveness for Managers, please don’t hesitate to contact me Christina.dodd@ atasiam.com

Until next time have a very positive week and please continue to send in your comments or opinions, should you wish to share them.

Social Commentary by Khai Khem

What Thai bar girls really want

I can’t count the times I’ve been asked this question by some poor gentleman who has lost his heart (and his money) to a nubile nymph he met while polishing a pole in a South Pattaya beer bar. Some of these chaps have had numerous bad experiences and still keep coming back for more punishment. They seem to have variety of mottos. One of the most popular seems to be: “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.” What it finally takes to get them to wise up depends on how badly burned they get and how long their money and patience holds out.

Call me a sap, but I’ve met some with whom I have truly sympathized. Basically a lot of them are pretty nice guys and bend over backwards to make the relationship work. Kind hearted, generous and caring, under different circumstances, they’d make some nice lady a good mate.

So why can’t they convince their little sweetie who is working at a sleazy and degrading job to meet them half way and stick it out? Cuz these girls are pros. They are very, very good at what they do, and what they do is work the bar scene for money. They are in this line of work to feather their own nest. They have a motto as well. “Practice makes perfect”. Playing a foreign man for a sucker often depends on finding a guy who has not been long in the kingdom, is locked out of the language, and doesn’t know the score. It takes planning, finesse and an act that has to be very convincing.

So what do Thai bar girls really want? A man with all heart and no brains. When I use the phrase, ‘no brains’ that doesn’t mean these men are all stupid. Quite the contrary. They made money, had good jobs or successful businesses in their home countries, and from the conversations I’ve had with them they seem pretty savvy on a lot of subjects. Their talents and knowledge, however, do not usually apply in Pattaya, where they are fish out of water. Admittedly, a lot of these relationships are founded on lust and curiosity. These are probably the short-term adventures that don’t really get them into too much trouble.

And then they meet that special lady who steals their heart and they fall head over heels. Well congratulations. I’d be the last person to assassinate Cupid. If it all works out and the couple lives happily ever after (and that does happen rather frequently) good for them! It’s the never-ending hard luck stories that make one wonder how these chaps fall for the same ploy again and again.

One of the threads of consistency that seems to run through this theme is pity. A lot of these men meet upcountry girls whose tales of woe are not only heartbreakingly pitiful, but when he gets up to the family farm or small village and sees the poverty the girls have been born into, he really takes it to heart. The foreign gentleman is usually from an advanced Western democracy and the kind of rural poverty in he sees in Thai villages can be a real shock. He not only really likes this woman, but he also feels sorry for her and suddenly he feels an urge to rescue her.

This scenario can be just as easily played through right here in Pattaya without having to travel to some unpronounceable district in an obscure province. Many of these girls rent rooms in squalid slums around the city. If the boyfriend pays a visit to one of these abodes, the effect can be just as striking. What is a lovely young girl doing in a place like this? Our hero will pull his beloved out of this squalor, buy her new clothes, fine jewelry, a brand new home, and raise her from what he sees as a living hell.

I call this the Sir Galahad complex. Frankly, his intentions are honorable. He has a kind heart and makes good on his promises. What the poor fool may not know, is that a lot of these girls have a short attention span.

After receiving great face during the housewarming party and the parade of money and gold has ended, they often lose interest in settling down and becoming a boring suburban housewife. The bar scene was a lot more fun. The expression; “You can take the girl out of the bar, but you can’t take the bar out of the girl” is grounded in a certain amount of truth.

For readers who have managed to form lasting and fulfilling relationships with former bar girls, you all have my permission to line your birdcages with this column. For those guys out there who’ve been burned beyond recognition but are considering another go, just remember, there is no law in Thailand that says you have to check your brains with left luggage at the airport. Common sense will actually compliment a good heart - not negate it.