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  COLUMNS

HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]:
 
Family Money: Carpet Baggers et al
 
Successfully Yours: Fredi Schaub
 
Snap Shots: Digital. Is it ready for your finger?
  
Modern Medicine: Is your mobile phone eating your brain?

Heart to Heart with Hillary
 
Grapevine

Dining Out: Sala Rim Nam - Real Thai food
 
Animal Crackers: So you want to breed cats
 
Down The Iron Road: A very short line - Bavaria’s Chiemsee Bahn
 
Social Commentary by Khai Khem
 
The Computer Doctor
 
Sea Worlds
 
Forgotten Classics
 
Women’s World
 
Nightmarch
 
Guide to buying a large dog
  
Shaman’s Rattle
  
The Message In The Moon

Family Money: Carpet Baggers et al

By Leslie Wright

The financial services industry is global and competitive. Some financial consultants operating in regulated environments such as the UK and Hong Kong find the compliance with regulations burdensome and time-consuming. So they take trips overseas to greener pastures.

When I worked in Hong Kong, we financial consultants had to prove our competence by examination, and had to be licensed by the Securities & Futures Commission (SFC).

Not only did each firm offering financial services have to have a licence to operate, but a firm’s consultants each had to have an Investment Representative Licence; and a director of the firm had to have an Investment Advisor Licence - which required a certain number of years’ experience in the industry, academic training, and a track record of writing ‘clean’ business, and hence was much more difficult to obtain. (I know; I had one.)

Then, if a client had a complaint which was not adequately dealt with by the consultant’s firm (each of which had to have a qualified and experienced Compliance Officer to act as an internal ‘policeman’ and address such matters), the client could file a complaint with the SFC who would investigate thoroughly; and where the compliant was justified, discipline both the consultant and the Compliance Officer. If the breech was serious enough, both could go to jail.

Nonetheless, we frequently encountered consultants from UK firms who flew into Hong Kong and swept through the territory signing up clients for new business, then flew out again to other places on their itinerary before the ink was even dry on their new contracts.

Needless to say, these financial consultants hadn’t bothered to obtain the required licences (nor had their firms), and many clients later became disgruntled when the service they expected was not forthcoming, or the plan they signed up for turned out to be somewhat different from what they thought they were buying.

I have heard of similar cases of carpet-bagging financial consultants operating in Thailand.

Let me cite an example. Let us assume you live in Pattaya and work in Rayong. A UK-based independent financial adviser (IFA) has flown out to meet you for a consultation. All goes well and you later decide to take his advice and buy into the investment fund he has recommended. Getting back in touch with him, you arrange to meet at your holiday home in the Costa del Sol (he’s out there anyway meeting other expatriates). You sign the papers there. The fund you buy into is registered offshore in Gibraltar but is managed from London. Back in Pattaya you sit back and wait for the capital to build up.

Except is doesn’t. The fund begins to perform quite differently from the way he said it would. In fact, it begins to look like an entirely different animal to the one he showed you. You suspect that your IFA has, to put it charitably, been less-than-wholly competent. To put it less charitably, you suspect that he cheated you.

Getting Redress

You now have to go about the business of getting redress. But where do you go? The UK’s Financial Services Authority is the obvious place. But wait: the fund is registered in Gibraltar; the consultation took place in Thailand; the papers were signed in Spain; the IFA is British. Things are starting to look a lot less clear-cut.

The main problem is that at the moment, selling financial products cross-border makes it difficult to pin down where legal responsibility lies. In the UK, the FSA (Financial Services Authority) regulates financial advisers based there, and will also step in if you buy a UK product from a UK-registered IFA but happen to do it in a foreign country.

But even that seemingly clear-cut situation is subject to caveats. Robert Reid, a director of the Society of Financial Advisers, one of the UK’s leading IFA organisations, was recently quoted in the FT Expat, “You won’t necessarily get any comeback, even from a UK-registered financial adviser, if you buy a non-UK product and sign the papers in a foreign country.”

If, for example, the UK adviser is selling you the advice out of a foreign subsidiary, you can’t go to the UK’s FSA for redress. And if the product being sold is run out of a non-UK jurisdiction, you would have to pursue it through the regulator of the country in which the subsidiary is based - if there even is one. And, apart from the SEC, which regulates stockbrokers (who have to be Thai citizens: foreigners are precluded by law from dealing in securities here), Thailand is an unregulated environment.

Questions to ask

But things are not necessarily so gloomy. For a start, most people are able to use some initial common sense to filter out the obviously dodgy advisers. And reputable financial advisers - and they are out there if you know where to look - will tell you that there are some basic things you should bear in mind when buying advice. If you follow these basic rules, you can be almost certain to avoid the ‘cowboys’.

A good place to start if you’re buying offshore financial advice is to go by personal recommendations. If someone has concrete experience of a good and reputable IFA, it’s worth a lot.

Second, ask what sort of training - including ongoing training - an IFA has. A UK IFA, for example, should have passed the three main UK qualifications at least. (And a few firms in Thailand have UK-qualified consultants on board, including at least one that I know intimately in Pattaya.)

IFAs should also be receiving top-up training. If they are at all coy about telling you this, watch out. (A qualified one will probably have his certificates hanging on his office wall, and be only too proud to point them out to you.) Anyone who has spent several years passing exams is unlikely to be a complete ‘cowboy’.

Watch out for “attach้ advisers” - in other words, IFAs who fly into a jurisdiction where nobody’s heard of them, spend 10 minutes there, and then fly out again.

If the adviser you are looking at says he is UK-based, check the FSA register to see if he is authorised to do business.

Third, be very wary if they pester and pursue you to buy products. Reputable advisers will give you plenty of cooling-off time. They will wait until you are ready to sign. (I have had clients who took up to three years between the initial meeting and their signing up.)

If avoiding the ‘cowboys’ wasn’t enough, there are other aspects to the relationship to bear in mind. For example, what type of adviser is it you are dealing with? Is the IFA truly independent, or is he a tied agent?

One of the problems that expat investors face is that different countries tend to have different types of financial advisers. You are more likely to get multi-tied advisers in France and Germany, for instance, where the adviser will not be totally independent, but will have relationships with a limited number of product providers. They’ll sell you a product from that limited range. Unless you’re aware of that, you may think you’re getting the best product for your circumstances, but that may not be true.

Test Your IFA

A sceptic could be forgiven for suspecting that the investment product he’s been recommended may be chosen not because it is best for the investor, but because it pays the most commission to the adviser. All potential clients should ask the following questions of their adviser:

Is he tied to one product provider? A straight yes or no is the only acceptable answer; it’s that clear cut.

If not, does his firm operate ‘preferred’ panels - i.e., a limited list of providers? If so, how many companies are on the panel?

Is he paid by salary, fees or commission? Or a combination of the three? (Generally, only professionally qualified, long-term career consultants with stable, reputable firms are paid the latter way.) Almost all the ‘cowboys’ are on commission only. But in fairness, not all commission-earners are ‘cowboys’. If he’s paid commission, what level of commission does he receive? (In the UK he is required to disclose this information to you.)

Then again, if you’re going to be charged fees - for portfolio management, for example - are these performance-related, or across the board?

This will indicate whether your portfolio manager will be working hard in your best interests - and indicate how confident he is of obtaining good results for you.

What is his track record? Has he beaten the relevant index over time? By how much? And in a falling market - such as year 2000 when most average equity investors lost money - how much better than the index did he do? (To help quantify this, banks who provide portfolio management services typically work on a 2% ‘success margin’ - i.e., the manager has to beat the index by 2%, or lose 2% less than the market did, to earn his bonus.)

Ask about reporting frequency (monthly, quarterly, or annually?) Ask what sort of information they send to their existing clients. What on-going information does the IFA provide about fund performance, fund manager changes, etc.?

Ask if his firm is a legally registered company, and if so, where they’re registered. Does your IFA have a work permit to operate in Thailand? Can he show you a copy of it? If not (apart from the fact that he’s operating illegally), you have every right to be sceptical about his long-term commitment to either his firm or to his clients.

Ask how long he’s lived in Thailand. (This will give you some indication of his understanding of local lifestyles, needs and special circumstances that might need to be considered in your financial planning.)

How long has he worked in the financial services industry? With that firm? With how many firms before? Many financial consultants change firms frequently - and servicing you properly might suffer as a result.

Many of my firm’s clients come to us having been referred by existing clients. Nonetheless, from time to time a potential client requests references from existing clients.

While this may at first sight seem not unreasonable, it should be remembered that an ethical IFA has to practise a strict code of client confidentiality. Thus to offer references may well be a breech of that confidentiality - unless a client has specifically offered to act as a referee to other potential clients whom he doesn’t know. After all, how would you feel if a complete stranger phoned you up at dinner time asking you about your investments and your financial adviser?

Even if the IFA has received unsolicited letters of appreciation, these should never be shown to another potential client without the express authorisation of the letter-writer. Thus a firm which practises a strict code of client confidentiality - which in my view should be all of them - will be put in a difficult position to provide references, even if the IFA knows his firm has lots of happy clients, and the service he provides is sincere and based on “best advice” principles.

On more than one occasion I have had to refuse to provide references to potential clients - all of whom were totally unsolicited in the first place. (My firm does not practise “cold calling” as many others do to drum up business.) In my view confidentiality of existing clients’ names & financial details is more important than getting one new client on board, and I always refuse to compromise this principle of professional ethics.

I believe that an ethical IFA should have been able to demonstrate his professional competence in other ways than by offering references. After all, those referees will invariably be the happy ones!

Better to find out what reputation the IFA and his firm have in the street. Is his firm known in the community? In a small community like Pattaya one can hardly blow one’s nose without everyone knowing about it! And most expats here will have a community of friends they can ask about the firm, its reputation and methods.

And if you don’t have a community of friends (poor fellow), you can ask the adviser probing questions to determine for yourself whether you’re dealing with an ethical, independent financial adviser, a tied agent, a ‘cowboy’, or a carpet-bagger.

Leslie Wright is managing director of Westminster Portfolio Services (Thailand) Ltd., a firm of independent financial advisors providing advice to expatriate residents of the Eastern Seaboard on personal financial planning and international investments. If you have any comments or queries on this article, or about other topics concerning investment matters, contact Leslie directly by fax on (038) 232522 or e-mail [email protected] Further details and back articles can be accessed on his firm’s website on www.westminsterthailand.com

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Successfully Yours: Fredi Schaub

By Mirin MacCarthy

Fredi Schaub is a young chef who describes himself as fortunate. If anyone takes time to sit with him awhile they may also discover that he is an extremely successful businessman. However, although he enjoyed maths at school there is more to Fredi than mere calculation.

Fredi was indeed fortunate to be born intelligent and became self-determining at an early age. Born in Switzerland some thirty odd years ago, he planned his career as a teenager. His upbringing was in his words, “Good, but I did not like school very much. I knew I wanted to travel and even at home I enjoyed cooking, so I took school vacation jobs in hotel kitchens to see if being a chef would be good for me. I just loved it from the beginning.”

At age sixteen he left school to take an apprenticeship as a chef, and perhaps because fortune smiles on the brave or the persistent he was given the life long recipe for success at an early age. “The old chefs told me, do your apprenticeship first, then only work in five star hotels afterward to gain experience, make your name and a valuable resume.” It is a recipe he has followed religiously ever since and that is one of the reasons for his meteoric rise.

Fredi is young, handsome and currently unattached. Fredi speaks of himself as having achieved success already. It was always his plan to have his own top class restaurant, “I worked hard to be where I am. I served my time putting in the hard years at low salary. I was opening second chef at the Landmark Hotel in Bangkok when I was 24. Headhunters in Europe couldn’t believe it; they said I was too young. They were wrong, I had the experience.”

Fredi is an equal partner in the well known Bruno’s Restaurant. He has proudly been there for the last three years. In the beginning Bruno’s was a partnership of Louis Fassbind and Bruno Forrer. Fredi worked for them at the Royal Cliff Hotel. “Louis was one of the best bosses I ever had - tough but fair. I always got what I wanted. If you were any good he would be supportive. You could talk to him. When Bruno and Louis approached me to join them in the restaurant I jumped at the chance. I think of myself as very fortunate.”

But Fredi is through and through a chef. “I like to cook, it makes me feel good to be creative and try out new things. Having your own place is different, although I always did my best in big hotel kitchens; at Bruno’s with regular guests and friends I am appreciated more. It always makes me very happy when customers enjoy my food.”

So what are his plans for the future, to open another Fredi’s perhaps? “No, you can only be in one place at once, there is only one Bruno’s. I will always be here continuing to make the restaurant successful, hopefully. When Bruno’s started four years ago it was the only top class international restaurant in Pattaya (outside of hotels). I knew the concept would work, that is why I was happy to become a partner.”

If he had the luxury of never having to work again would he stay precisely where he is doing what he is doing? “I love Thailand; it is my favourite country, but it is not the place to retire. You have to work; it makes you crazy if you only go out to nightclubs and drink all the time. I am happy doing what I always wanted. I enjoy meeting people from different nationalities and cooking for them. I believe health is the most important quality to have, money can’t buy you health and you will not be happy or healthy if you are not doing what you enjoy.”

His advice to other would be chefs and restaurateurs is the same formula as he was given, “Finish your apprenticeship then go to work in five star hotels. If you don’t work in top hotels exclusively you don’t make your name or get valuable resumes. Learn. English language is very important. I learned English in America working at the Swiss Air owned hotel in Boston. I enjoyed the States, the people were very kind, and I learned to cater for banqueting in big hotels. The main reason I left was at that time I could only get a student visa for eighteen months. Try to go overseas, go to Bermuda; they are always looking for chefs there. It is important in this business that you love both people and food, also creating superb cuisine and presenting it in an ambience to keep the clients happy.”

Fredi defines success as, “Start from nothing. Do better every year. That is success. If the business gets better and the customers are pleased and keep coming back that is the mark of success.”

Fredi is by his own definition a success, doing what he loves doing and doing it well. Long may he prosper and keep us all returning to Bruno’s.

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Snap Shots: Digital. Is it ready for your finger?

by Harry Flashman

Courtesy of my friend Ernie Kuehnelt, I received a most interesting photography magazine the other day. It was American and dealt almost exclusively with Digital Imaging. The other parts of the mag dealt with computers. This was a most interesting mix, especially from Harry Flashman’s viewpoint as an old silver halide enthusiast.

While we embrace the e-culture, with e-mails, e-commerce and undoubtedly e-sex, the concept that Digital Photography can be all things for all men (and women) needs to be addressed, particularly as the digital pundits are already making noises that “conventional” photography is finished.

Undoubtedly we can see anything “on line” these days - even the Pattaya Mail and indeed this very column, and much of it includes photographs, which we view on our desk top monitors, be they 12 inch, 17 inch or what have you. What a wonderful boon to mankind - you can send your photographs on line to your friends and they can see you and the children as large as life on the screen.

However, is it really all that easy? You have to get the image you take into digital format, which you can do simply by using a digital camera, or by digitally scanning a more “normal” print. You need certain software programmes to be able to view the photographs and more to send them. My question is - what do you do when you want to show your old Mum the photographs of her new grandchildren? Lug the computer over to her flat? Buy her a computer and 300 hours of training so she isn’t afraid of it? Or do you just pull a couple of snaps out of your pocket and show her?

Up till recently, digital images were definitely of a poorer quality than conventional photographs, but the digital photography industry has worked hard and the latest digital cameras, offering 3 point something mega pixels are producing images as sharp as a tack. Surely any opposition to using digital technology has disappeared? However, it hasn’t, because there is still the problem of showing the image as a “hard copy” to borrow a phrase from the computer geeks.

Easily fixed, say the computer buffs. Just print the image - and we have printers that will print colour images on special paper that looks just like a conventional photograph. Sure - but this is another add-on cost. Printers that good don’t come cheap. In fact, Kodak, which is moving with the times (or keeping its backside covered, depending upon your point of view) are now offering a “printing” service from your emailed photographs which end up as a photo album sent back to you by pony express, or something equally as “outdated”.

In some ways, the whole photography business is re-inventing itself and going the full circle. One has to ask why? Well firstly, the ability to shoot and instantly review your images is a definite plus for digital photography. The ability to discard the images you don’t want is another plus. No more buying film at expensive tourist venues must be another, and not having to wait, even for one hour, is again a plus.

So why has Harry Flashman held off purchasing a digital camera? Well, firstly to get the 3 point something megapixel sharpness that I deem necessary is going to cost me a lot more than a simple conventional camera. Secondly, if I want the control over the final image, balancing flash output and background light levels I am looking at a very expensive electronic black box. Digital cameras of this standard are really conventional SLR’s with an expensive box of electronic tricks in the place where I normally put the film. And thirdly, Harry likes to reward some of the subjects of his photography by giving them a nice 8x10 blow up, which my local photoprocessor does excellently and inexpensively.

Digital is here. Digital is now. But I am not ready! Perhaps that’s the problem!

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Modern Medicine: Is your mobile phone eating your brain?

by Dr Iain Corness Consultant

Following the advent of the mobile telephone, next came all the calls for investigation into the possible health hazards from the new devices. I wonder how many of the calls were made on mobile phones? But I digress from a serious subject.

Public queries such as this are not new and have followed just about every latest scientific development. Apparently my great grandmother used to put something over the electric power points because she was sure the electricity would leak out and discolour the wallpaper! When microwave ovens hit the market, so did questions about their safety and claims of blindness from using them. All those little microwaves that escaped every time you opened the door!

And so to mobile phones... Certainly mobile phones have dramatically changed the way we live. With everyone having a mobile, very soon poor old Superman won’t even have a phone box to change in! Every meeting is punctuated by the ringing of someone’s mobile and they have even brought in laws to prevent people driving down the highway with their mobile phone stuck to their ear.

More than a decade into this mobile mania the rumours began to surface that use of a mobile phone could produce brain tumours. The waves coming and going from the antenna could penetrate your brain and the next stop was the brain surgery ward. Was this really true?

For medico’s to confirm or deny takes some time. We just cannot dismiss without sufficient evidence to the contrary. And a case history of one is not good enough, even though those who would propose a doom and disaster theory only need one case to burst into print.

The results of an all encompassing study in the US have now come out in the medical journals. They compared 800 people admitted to hospital with brain tumours with another 800 admitted to the same hospital who did not have a brain tumour. They matched up use or non-use of mobile phones. They investigated any relationship between what ear was used to what side of the brain had the tumours.

The results were interesting. There was no apparent increased risk of getting a brain tumour demonstrable that could be related to the use of a mobile phone. Secondly, there were no more brain tumours on the side of the head closest to the most frequently used ear.

The researchers final words were that the data did not support the hypothesis that the use of hand held phones caused brain tumours. I think you should all breathe easy in your beds tonight after that one. If you don’t agree, you can always give me a ring of course. In the meantime I am investigating the strange discolouration below the power point.

Stress in Thailand? How do you cope?

There is going to be an interactive seminar on this subject at the Bangkok Pattaya Hospital on Saturday 24th. If you would like to attend see the notice click here. See you there.

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Dear Hillary,

My new girlfriend has a Persian cat, one of the white fluffy ones. She and the cat moved into my apartment four weeks ago and now I have noticed three things. The small flat smells because of the kitty tray, I am sneezing because of the cat hair and the cat gets more attention from my girlfriend than I do. Don’t say the cat can go outside because we are not supposed to have pets in the condo building. What should I do, Hillary?

Cat Hater

Dear Cat Hater,

You have certainly got yourself into a Persian pickle, my poppet! It really boils down to a choice of feline or female friend. If the girl comes complete with Persian pussy, then both will have to go, but if the girlfriend will send the cat home to her mother, then you can remain in catless bliss. One way or other you will end up pussyless, I’m afraid.

Dear Hillary,

Last week when Grumpypete asked you what you looked like you wrote that he didn’t search back issues far enough. You said there was a full length picture of you in the Pattaya Mail, of the 5th May 1992. Last year was the 7th Anniversary party of the paper which I attended, so that meant the Pattaya Mail commenced in 1993, so he certainly couldn’t research back to an issue in 1992 when the paper began one year later. Did you just get it wrong, or was it deliberate? Or was it that you’re just getting on a bit these days and it was Old Timer’s Disease?

Mark

Dear Mathematical Mark,

Ooh, you think you are such a clever one then, don’t you? Saw through Hillary’s little ruse straight away. However, if you think I’m going to let the cat out of the bag (no it’s not a Persian) and tell you my age or even admit to Alzheimer’s Disease then you’re not so smart young Mark. And just remember, Hillary is never wrong - I must admit I did think I was wrong once, but I was mistaken!

Dear Hillary,

Where can I go to get a decent haircut? I don’t want anything fancy, just a simple short back and sides, but cut properly. I am also a little worried about catching AIDS at the barbers, have you any suggestions there.

Jim

Dear Jim,

To answer the second part of your question first, you don’t say what you are doing with your barber, but you are much more likely to get communicable diseases at the bar beers, than at the barbers. If you’re worried, wear a condom when you go for the trim. But as to where to go? I’m sorry, but Hillary goes Haute Coiffure with her long tresses, not short back and sides; however, First Barber on South Pattaya Road near the Pattaya Second Road intersection gives a decent haircut, or so the boys in the office tell me. No guarantees, though!

Dear Hillary,

Please Hillary I know you know all and are the fount of all wisdom of the heart. There is a Thai man hectoring me by phone and now has come to Sydney and staying in a flash hotel to woo me. Is there a fairy Godfather? Is he Thai? I am so flattered but frightened I am almost sorry I met this beautiful Thai man at the Sydney Gay Mardi Gras parade. So many thanks Hillary.

Poor Ozzie Guy (92)

Dear Poor Ozzie Guy (92),

Thank you for your vote of confidence in Hillary and her advice. Yours is certainly something different, Petal. Regarding your question about Godfathers, since all fairies have fathers, I see no reason why they shouldn’t have Godfathers as well. Whether or not your Thai friend’s Godfather is Thai would not be known to Hillary, but the answer would have to be “most likely”. Since I presume the numbers after your name refer to your age, you are very lucky to be still able to ride a float at the Mardi Gras, or was it a wheel chair?

Dear Hillary,

We have only recently come to live in Pattaya, but feel that we should be doing something to help some of the ragamuffin children we see around the streets. We previously lived in South Africa and were involved in charity work there. Is there some organization that we could make contact with over here to help in some way? We would be happy just to be involved and doing something positive.

Concerned Retirees

Dear Concerned Retirees,

What lovely people you are! And Hillary hopes you will enjoy your retirement here in Pattaya, and with your attitude, I am sure you will. There are lots of organizations that assist the needy children, but if you contact the Fountain of Life at the Srinakorn Centre in North Pattaya, I am sure Sisters Joan and Jimjit will be able to find something you can do. The Fountain of Life provides schooling and care for the needy children they bring in for classes every day. They give positive help and you sound like positive people. I am sure you’ll go well together.

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GRAPEVINE

Sweet nothings

A family row broke out this week after a suspicious wife accused her husband of an extra marital affair. Her evidence was a tube of contraceptive jelly, kept in the fridge, which had been squeezed almost to exhaustion during her absence in the North East. However, the husband denied all knowledge of his presumed affair, pointing out that he had thought the tube in the fridge was a sweet spread for his breakfast toast. Just shows you should always put your reading glasses on before delving into the household cooler.

Red Lion

There’s no shortage of good eating places in Soi Chayaipool, between Third Road and Soi Bukao and misleadingly these days known as the Concrete Soi. However, GEOC (Grapevine Eating Out Collective) certainly recommends The Red Lion for quality, quantity and fair prices. The fish and chips at 109 baht are spot on with fries just as good as Mum used to make. The rest of the main menu is just as appetizing. Just one single gripe - the soups need more mushroom or chicken or whatever.

Safety improvement

The new traffic lights at the junction of Soi 17 and the new Third Road are working fine for cars and lorries which queue up dutifully awaiting the green signal. Pity about the motorbikes though which continue to ignore them or park willy-nilly outside the 24 hours supermarket, thus reducing the driving lanes by several feet. Occasional intervention by Pattaya’s Finest would be most welcome.

Yours faithfully

A forlorn farang asks what he should do after paying 1000 baht for a mystic and tarot card reader to tell him that drinking a bottle of ink and balancing a textbook on his head would improve his son’s school grades. Well, Frank, we don’t think he meant you should do the drinking and balancing. And if intelligence is actually genetically derived, your son could indeed be stuck with C minus for all time.

International news

A telephoned bomb threat which forced an airliner to land in Iceland was caused by a woman trying to prevent her mother in law from accompanying her to the United States. The call named the actual woman who was carrying the bomb. The culprit turned out to be a newly wed bride who was traveling with her husband for their honeymoon - accompanied by his mother in law.

Baht news

Is the Thai baht set to collapse as it did in 1997-98? Some farangs are delaying their money transfers from abroad on this assumption. Don’t bank on it brothers. The country is awash with cash funds. Admittedly, the new government’s public expenditure programs may not strengthen the baht internationally, but the situation is very different from a few years back. For one thing, the economies of USA and Europe are no longer booming.

Dive site

Pattaya is booming as a snorkel and dive center, but watch out for the insurance hazards. There’s even talk of salvaging the tanker owned by the PAK line which sank in 1996 off the coast of Trat or rearranging it more safely on the ocean bed. Diving boats depart from Pattaya at about 10 p.m. and take about eight hours to arrive there. An adventure of a lifetime but only for the sensibly experienced who are 100% fit.

Dangerous sandwiches

The Livestock Department is warning tourists to Thailand not to arrive with beef or ham sandwiches from the 15 state European Union. Blame mad cows and foot and mouth disease. FYI - the maximum sentence is a 40,000 baht fine or two years as a guest of the prison service. Or both.

Lawyer jokes

RB has sent us these:

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country and New Jersey the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50? Your honor.

What’s brown and really looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for money.

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Dining Out: Sala Rim Nam - real Thai food

by Miss Terry Diner

The Sala Rim Nam (literally the sala beside the water) is situated inside the lush tropical gardens of the Royal Garden Resort, Pattaya Second Road. Beside the Lotus Pond, the restaurant area is built on a wood base with two large sala’s at each corner with the entrance through another ‘mini’ sala.

The ambience is very Thai, from the Isaan wall hangings (called “Tungs”) to the predominantly teak wood everywhere. The chairs are heavy wooden ones as well, but with adequate padding for one’s bottom - there being nothing more conducive to a pleasant meal than comfortable chairs.

On the table are Celadon plates in a gentle turquoise, with the cutlery being hand formed polished stainless steel - another hand-made Thai product. A lotus blossom adorns the table and white linen napkins are folded and waiting.

The next pleasant surprise is the menu. This comes in a large wooden case, complete with sloping sides in classic Sukhothai style. The items themselves are written first in Thai script, then in Anglicised Thai and finally with an English translation. (Let us not forget which country we are living in!) There are also chilli indicators to give the inexperienced diners an idea of the degree of spiciness they can expect.

The menu opens with twelve appetizers (generally around 120 baht) including Gai Hor Bai Toey (deep fried marinated chicken in pandanus leaves) and Pla Poo Nim Ma Muang Savoey (spicy soft shelled crab seasoned with fresh herbs and green mango).

Next up are some dips (around 140 baht) - for those who really “know” - all fiery and bearing a three chilli indicator, such as Nam Prik Kapi Pla Too Taud (shrimp paste dip served with fried mackerel and vegetables).

There are seven soups (90-130 baht) including a Tom Yum Goong made in the correct and traditional way with genuine river prawns and the famous Tom Som Pla Chon (herbed snake-head fish in sweet and sour soup).

These are followed by eight seafood items (150-220 baht) and covers salmon, lobster, snow fish, snapper, pomfret and sea bass. After the seafood are eight dedicated vegetarian items (90-110 baht) including Mee Grob and stir-fried fresh garden vegetables.

Next up are seven meat and poultry dishes (150-180 baht), mostly curries with a couple of stir-fried items as well. The rice is complimentary and is your choice of jasmine, unpolished or herbed.

There are five Thai desserts, but the menu does not finish there. For those who are unsure of what to order there are two “sets” at 550 baht per person, each having six different items from the menu. A boon for visitors!

The Dining Out Team ate with Bjorn Richardson, the resident manager of the Royal Garden Resort, and we decided to go fully Thai with a bottle of Chateau de Loeil Chenin Blanc. Inexpensive, and eminently “quaffable” it goes well with Thai food. We had several dishes and referring to some of my notes from the evening - the pomelo and shrimp salad contrasted the sweetness of the fruit with the sharpness of the chilli beautifully. The steamed sea bass with chilli and lemon sauce came in a pottery container over charcoal and was simply marked as ‘sensational’, while the Tom Kha Gai (chicken in coconut soup) was scored as the best I have tasted in Thailand - thick, meaty and the correct balance of all the tastes that make up this traditional item.

Madame’s dish of the evening was the non-spicy stir-fried roasted duck breast in tamarind sauce, while mine was a toss-up between the sea bass and the Tom Kha Gai.

This restaurant excels with its attention to detail and presentation of not only the food, but also the total package - including standard of service and surroundings. If you have guests coming from overseas, it is a delightful place for them to experience real Thai food, in a real Thai atmosphere. You will be hard pressed to beat this restaurant anywhere. Top marks, Royal Garden Resort!

Sala Rim Nam, Royal Garden Resort, tel. 412 120. Booking very advisable as it is often reserved for corporate functions.

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Animal Crackers: So you want to breed cats

by Mirin MacCarthy

If you are a cat person and have not been put off by the previous two articles on the commitment and basic genetic knowledge necessary with animal breeding, then breeding pedigree cats is the way to go. Mama does most of the work herself. All you need to do is provide her with adequate quarters in a clean healthy environment; inside your own home is just fine, a similar diet, a healthy mate, appropriate inoculations, and a confidence in handling cats and giving them basic first aid treatment. Presumably everything you do now you do for Miss Puss don’t you?

Help, Felix is bleeding!

Life saving First Aid for animals is an easy, common sense matter of attention to Airway, Breathing and Circulation in a calm safe manner.

1. Do not put yourself or others at risk, i.e., stop traffic; turn off the electricity or whatever, before you haul Felix off the road or out of the pool. Be aware that injured animals, even tame pets will bite savagely if given a chance. Know how to handle them & how to put to put a simple slipknot noose around their jaws, not their neck! Remain calm, you are totally useless if you panic; all you have to remember is the ABC in that order, Airway, Breathing and Circulation in a calm safe manner.

2. Airway - does the animal have an unobstructed airway? Can air get into and out of their lungs? Know how to position the pet to get a good airway. Learn how to clear out vomit, water or fish bones out of their throat.

3. Breathing - Is the pet breathing? Is their chest rising and falling, can you feel their breath on your hand? Learn how to breathe for them. With small animals it is usually more appropriate to raise their chin, close their mouth and blow into their nose.

4. Circulation - Finally is the blood pumping around their body or is it leaking out into the road? When the airway and breathing have been attended to, then stop any bleeding with direct pressure and hopefully a clean rag. If it is severe pumping arterial bleeding after an amputation then a tourniquet is necessary till you get the pet to the Vet.

Confidence in handling and treating puss

Presumably, cat owners have located a competent and trusted cat breeder, local vet, and vet hospital (by personal recommendation) before proudly acquiring pet puss. The next step is to learn how to competently and confidently handle, restrain, feed, wash, groom, de-worm, de-flea, give medicines, prevent contagious diseases, and treat minor illness and injuries of your pet before thinking about breeding them. This is a simple matter of experience - practice makes perfect, so practice on your pet puss. There is absolutely no point in breeding animals if you are uncertain of the basics of how to confidently care and handle them and stop them catching and spreading disease.

Why go into a flat spin if you or your cats get fleas, ringworm, mange, ear mites, or cat flu for instance? Ringworm is a highly contagious fungal disease like tinea that is totally preventable and treatable with persistent home care. Fleas, mange, ear mites, and cat flu, are similarly effectively prevented and/or treated. Read books. “Veterinary Notes for Cat Owners” is highly recommended. Search the web for qualified Vet advice, or if all else fails marry a successful cat breeder or feline vet.

Next week, Cat breeding considerations...

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Down The Iron Road: A very short line - Bavaria’s Chiemsee Bahn

by John D. Blyth 

Bavarians are different. To another German they are instantly recognizable by their appearance, something denied to the likes of me. Some say they are mad; I stop short of this, well aware that they were once ruled by the mad King Ludwig the Second, and that he started, but didn’t finish, the craziest castle ever to grace the German landscape, the Schloss Neuschwanstein. Ludwig was drowned in a Bavarian lake, and I suppose no one else knew how to continue. Such a sense of ‘being different’ has led them to institute each year a beer festival, called the Oktoberfest, but held in September. Such diverse people would quite naturally build a very short railway line indeed, and make it last.

A closer look at the locomotive, a Krauss masterpiece

‘Where now?’ asked a British railway writer of note, not known for often looking abroad for inspiration. ‘Where now is the little railway that used to run through the plum orchards to the Chiemsee?’ The late Bryan Morgan, in his book ‘The End of the Line’, gave the reply that he was delighted to say it was where it always had been. That book was published in 1955, 47 years ago; I am delighted in turn to say that the same is still true. The Chiemsee Bahn is just 1 1/2 miles long and was opened in 1887, with just one locomotive supplied from the Krauss Company Sendling works in Munich. And for well over a century that was the only one they had.

Built to tramway standards the line was eventually promoted to the status of ‘railway’; so at first the locomotive had a full-length roof, and provision for it to be driven from either end - this has been retained, but also the wheels and rods had to be bowed-in as well, for safety’s sake. But this part was removed when it was realised that the line conformed with railway standards in that it did not approach any public road closer than 10 metres. So it was a railway.

The locomotive and part of the train waits departure time at the lakeside landing stage station at Stock.

It runs, as always, in summer only, from the Bundesbahn station at Prien, down to a landing-stage on the Chiemsee, one of the beautiful inland water masses common in Bavaria, here connecting with the vintage paddle-steamers that take tourists to the two castles on the lake, each on its own island, the Herrenschioss, and (I suppose) the Frauenschioss. I have included a rare picture, for this series, of one of the steamers just coming to land at Stock on the lakeside.

The work was light by any standards, and any running repairs could be dealt with in the luminous summer nights, and there was all winter to deal with more serious. The passenger coaches are the originals, and are maintained with loving care. Yet it may be that someone felt that this one locomotive could not last for ever, or that one day they were going to need a spare part that no one would now supply, so they went and bought another locomotive - and it is a diesel. No rail lover would be fooled for a moment, as it has been ‘boxed-in’ in just the same way as its steam brother, but it will certainly not be seen as a cuckoo in the nest by the vast majority who travel, until they hear the noise it makes, no gentle steam puffs and hisses, but the now commoner snarl of a diesel unit. I have never seen this object; on my l960 visit it lay far in the future. It now seems that this 1 1/2 miles of track, which has survived two world wars and much else besides, is planned to continue into eternity.

A lake steamer from the islands about to tie up at Stock. At least as old as the railway, this fine old paddler did not seem to carry a name.

The Germans are careful to ensure that their vast and ever-growing ‘Kursbuch’ - the national railway timetable - contains details of all rail services, and so the Chiemsee Bahn must be there; look in the ‘local lines’ section and you will be disappointed - it isn’t there. The main function of the line is to get people to the lake steamers, so it is included in the section dealing with these - they form quite an important section of the book. So the ‘Kursbuck’, excellent and comprehensive though it is, does not always give up its secrets readily! Be assured, too, that the precision of time-keeping on the Chiemsee Bahn is in no way inferior to that of the best trains on the main-line system. Holiday line or not, they don’t wait for you.

I have just space to relate how I arrived at Prien from Rosenheim on a very ordinary train on the main line. I had checked the time, bought a ticket, and passed through the barrier to the platform without incident. I had been checked again on the train, and no one had questioned the ticket I held, or told me I ought to have had another.

Supplements for using trains slightly faster than the slowest were then very common in Germany; I had not spotted that this was a ‘D-Zug’, ‘fast’ train, not did it look like one, but when I handed in my ticket to leave Prien station, I was at once asked for my ‘Zuschlagkart’ - of course I had none and said so; I couldn’t, I was told, leave the station unless I had handed one in. I offered him the money: no, only the ticket office could give me one. Could I pass through, within his sight, and buy one at the window? No, that was forbidden too. Then how? ... I must walk along the platform, enter the only door to be seen, and get one there. I entered the said door, and found myself in the company of the signalman! - who was quite used to this, took my money, went next door to see the clerk, and in a moment returned with the needed bit of card, which I duly surrendered to their watchful gate man, and was free once more.

You can waste a lot of time this way. But the Chiemsee Bahn was quite charming!

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Social Commentary by Khai Khem

Whiskey for breakfast, beer for lunch

Last week I had to mail a letter at Soi Post Office. Reaching my destination a little early, I decided to take a stroll along what constitutes the core of South Pattaya, the city that never sleeps. The area’s one mangy book shop was rather a disappointment so I decided to join in the fun everyone else seemed to be having. Pattaya is one of the few cities I know of where one can do a pub-crawl at eight thirty in the morning and really have a good time. I won’t list the names of these bars since this is a family newspaper; however, it is safe to say that for any journalists who are looking for the risqu้ side of the city, these advertisements are sending all of the right signals, and will set the tone for the foreign tabloids and expos้ documentaries with which the hotel and tourist industry are so annoyed. Who dreams up these names is a mystery to me. I am pretty certain that the more sordid euphemisms of Anglo Saxon vulgarity are not taught in the local language schools. Bar owners here seem to develop a nomenclature of their own.

So who patronizes the bars so early in the morning? I found an assortment of foreign visitors who had gathered there for breakfast, each group consuming mountainous heaps of eggs, steaks and chips, all slathered in a bloody sauce resembling catsup. There were a few couples who had found cheaper eats here than at their hotels, but most of the customers were gathered in clusters, friends who knew each other and were nursing painful hangovers from the night before. They had spent the former evening in near total debauchery and were now commiserating. One poor British tourist was washing down his toast and marmalade with Thai whiskey, and I took pity on him and asked the bar girls if they could find him some aspirin. And hence, my morning, which so innocently began with a trip to the post office, became a day’s dalliance with what I call South Pattaya’s ‘early-bird philosophers’. I run into these happy, care-free spirits every once in awhile. They always seem so content.

These chaps love it here. (And they are not all fossilised fogies, although the older set does make up the majority.) I rarely hear them complain about Thailand or Thai people. Many of them have learned to speak the language, if not fluently, well enough to get along. They usually have enough money put by, a pension or annuity, or have sold a business, which allows them to live modestly and enjoy a life which puts few burdens on them in the way of responsibilities and stress. None of them miss their home countries much. Here in Pattaya, they have found the capacity to enjoy the simple things in life, be it the sea, a day’s fishing, a group of like-minded friends, or simply sitting around relaxing and doing what ever they want. Many times it is NOT doing things they don’t want to do which has the most appeal.

Sure, the young lovelies are a great bonus. And if this group wants to stay drunk for a week, who’s to object? Life can be a treadmill, and our philosophers figure they have beat the system. And perhaps they have. After an enormous mess of scrambled eggs and a couple of whiskey’s under my belt, I was certainly not going to argue with them. After all, I know people who have lost the art of enjoyment. They are always chasing money and prestige. But when they win the nut of success, oftentimes, when they crack it open, it is empty inside. Not these guys. Lunch was rolling around and the only thing my new-found friends were interested in cracking open was a very large bottle of beer. They reckoned the earth wouldn’t crumble or stop in its orbit if I joined them. Of course, they had not yet met my mother-in-law, who’s tongue could cut a man in half at 20 paces. I glanced around and decided to chance it.

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The Computer Doctor

by Richard Bunch

From Robert Creasey: In the March 2nd edition of the Pattaya Mail in your column you mention that the price of 128Mb of SDRAM is just over 2,000 baht. My computer in England has only 32Mb. Is it possible to get the RAM in Pattaya and if so where? Thanking you in anticipation of an early reply.

Computer Doctor replies: Robert, the short answer is yes you can get SDRAM in Pattaya. Most of the computer shops will stock it. Alternatively you may care to make a trip to Pantip Plaza in Bangkok. Also the good news is that the price of memory is continuing to fall.

From Jimmy Sanford, Pattaya: Do you have any ideas or solutions to the modern household phone, modem and Internet connection dilemma? All my daughters have a phone line, I have a phone line, the fax machine has a phone line and for all I know the maid has a phone line too. With all the land lines and hand phones that we have, the monthly phone bill statement is about the size of the Peking white pages. Also, of course everybody has his or her own Internet account too. I’d like to streamline all this mess if possible. Can we modem share with Windows ME or 98?

I have a feeling there’s a lot of residents in Pattaya with the same phone, modem and Internet account mess that I seem to have ended up with. Any ideas will be greatly appreciated. Best regards and thanks for the column.

Computer Doctor replies: This is a topic which has come up frequently, and I have addressed it several times, but as technologies improve, I will briefly touch on the subject again. Within a domestic environment, the Internet connection sharing facilities provided within the Operating System, be it Windows 98SE, ME or 2000 should prove adequate. Although there are specialist programs available which also provide a software solution, to name a few: Wingate, SyGate. There are also hardware solutions available but these tend to be more expensive and appropriate in commercial environments. With all these solutions, a prerequisite is that the computers are networked, using traditional topology. The solutions will share conventional Dial-up Accounts, whether they are ISDN or Analog. It needs to be borne in mind that the available bandwidth is split which means that the more clients that are connected and the more Internet requests they make will slow the responses down. Keep in mind that each client could potentially have several browser windows open, their e-mail client and ftp, as well as things like ICQ and Internet telephony products. Whichever route you take, a single Internet Account and telephone line would be adequate, the more sophisticated solutions allow use of multiple accounts and telephone lines and automatically balance the load.

Send your questions or comments to the Pattaya Mail at 370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, 20260 or Fax to 038 427 596 or E-mail to [email protected] The views and comments expressed within this column are not necessarily those of the writer or Pattaya Mail Publishing.

Richard Bunch is Managing Director of Action Computer Technologies Co., Ltd. providing professional services which includes; custom database and application development; website design, promotion and hosting; computer and peripheral sales service and repairs, pro audio solutions, networks (LAN & WAN) and IT consulting. For further information, please e-mail [email protected] or telephone/fax 038 716 816 or see our website www.act.co.th

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Sea Worlds : Tropical Oceans

by Apichart Panyadee

Life on the coral reef

For an eye that has never seen a tropical coral reef, the colour and diversity can be truly overwhelming. It is hard to sort it all out. A diver parts a solid wall of blue, in front of him, and then suddenly, the coral reef appears in all of its magnificent beauty. At first he sees only the myriad of shapes and colour. Then movement. Schools of fish flash below, above and all around him. Things slither and creep in crevices, just beyond his point of vision. He will need a trained eye to find some of the life that abounds on the reef. Much of it is camouflaged, and a lot of it remains unseen to a novice, hidden and secretive. Perhaps he will spot the outline of an octopus as it materialises from the sand below. It moves hypnotically; double-gaited, jetting along with contractions of its siphon, and rambling on its tentacles. Then the octopus disappears into a cave. If the diver presses his mask to the mouth of the opening, he may find that goat-like eye staring back.

Tube sponges on a coral reef

In time, a trained eye begins to understand the reef’s components. There are many different strategies which the reef uses to organise itself. Colour is a particularly useful element. Many reef creatures, the sole, the octopus, and the stonefish, for example, use colour as camouflage. Others employ colour for the opposite reason; to attract attention to themselves. Some sea slugs have colour so intense it hurts the eyes. They don’t want to be eaten by mistake. A third group uses colour as a tool of mimicry. The imitation of another object or background which would otherwise be harmless, can the mimic’s food within striking distance. And of course, stylised colour patterns and designs are used as marks and attractions of their own species for mating purposes.

It is commonplace to describe the coral reef as a jungle. Mouths and jaws are everywhere. Small ones, larger ones; all hungry and waiting. That the reef is a dangerous place is indicated in the reproductive strategy of its inhabitants. A large portion of coral creatures spawn only on outgoing tides. They must trust their eggs to the open ocean, for to leave them on the reef is to invite them into all of those gaping mouths. Not that one often sees violence on the reef. Predators abound, but the preying goes on during the intervals of twilight and dawn. That is feeding time on the reef. There is tension, then, and a diver can feel it. The fish are faster, more jittery, and less curious. Divers will see more drama during dawn or dusk dives, if that is what they are looking for. At night the reef takes on a different character. Many reef fish doze, others seek out caves and crevices. It’s true that the coral themselves feed at night, but this action is microscopic.

Moray eel amongst soft fan coral

Science came late to the coral reef. It has only begun to understand reef rhythms and processes. What scientists are finding out, however, is that the reef is a monument to teamwork and collaboration. As many as one half of the species on the ocean’s richest reefs are still unknown to the people who study marine life. And the unknowns are not just in specific details, but also in general principles. Old dogma taught, until recently, that the simple ecosystems of high latitudes, the community of the Arctic tundra, for example, had boom and bust economies, and were prone to fluctuations of population. It was concluded that the lack of diversity in these systems led to instability. In contrast, this same school of thought proclaimed that the complex ecosystems of low latitudes, the tropical rain forests and coral reefs, would prove more stable because of their diversity. New information suggests that tropical and sub-tropical ecology is much more in flux than was once imagined.

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Forgotten Classics : Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells

by Mott the Dog
e-mail: [email protected]

***** 5 Star Rating

After touring with Kevin Ayers and other assorted Liggers, Mike Oldfield decided to branch out on his own, becoming the first artist to single handedly give the concept of one man band a good name.

After an album recorded under the name “Sallangie” in 1968 with his sister, his next album tends to reflect a more pastoral texture, with the seminal Tubular Bells (73) helping to launch Richard Branson and Virgin Records onto the international scene.

“But what of the music?” I hear you yelp. Well, there’s fast bits & slow bits, orgasmic bits & passive bits, heavy stuff & loose stuff, twiddly music, gobbledegook, fiddly jigs, lots of swishing, no out of tune singing, in fact no singing, but they talk too much, there’s a Jabberwock, a highland fling, and it’s great to do exorcisms too.

Mike Oldfield composed it, arranged it, produced it, and played all the instruments, including the grand piano, farfisa organ, bass guitar, taped motor drive amplifier organ chord (bet I could paw one of them), speed guitar, African bong, assorted percussion (what’s he do, buy them by the quarter pound?), the Flageolet (that’s what it says here), a Glocken spiel, two silly, slightly distorted guitars, guitars sounding like bagpipes (why not just get some bagpipes?), concert tympani, uncle Tom Cobblie and all, plus of course Tubular Bells.

Does it all make sense now? Actually it’s devastating, so just add it to your collection & try & work out what’s going on where.

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Women’s World : The Beauty Contest

by Lesley Warner 

How did it all start, this obsession with beauty? I’m sure that it was probably back in the Garden of Eden, but Eve had no competition!

One of the first beauty contests took place in the mists of mythic time when Paris of Troy had to choose which of three beauties was the most comely.

Margaret Gorman

Helen was the daughter of the Greek god Zeus and Leda was the wife of Tyndareus. Zeus approached Leda in the form of a swan. Helen was born from this union and she was the sister of the Dioscuri, the twins Castor and Pollux, who were renowned for their bravery and skills at fighting. Helen was renowned as the most beautiful woman in the world. Theseus, who had killed the Minotaur, carried her off as a child but the Dioscuri rescued her. All of the kings of Greece wanted to marry her because of her beauty and courted her. To save conflict between them Odysseus suggested that they let Helen choose and then all agree to protect her husband. She chose Menelaus but was later kidnapped by Paris, the son of Priam and Hecuba of Troy. At Zeus’ command Paris had been the judge at a beauty contest and had to choose which of the goddesses Hera, Athene, or Aphrodite was the fairest. He chose Aphrodite who had promised him the most beautiful woman in the world for his wife. He carried Helen off which did not please Menelaus and so the Greeks set sail to Troy. The Trojan War lasted ten years.

While modern beauty contests have almost always been dogged by controversy we are not aware of any which have started a war!

In 1921, as a way of getting tourists to spend a few days longer in Atlantic City after Labour Day, some of the hoteliers thought up the idea of staging a local bathing beauty contest. Some bright spark suggested calling the winner of the eight contestants ‘Miss America’. At that moment they almost certainly had no idea of the tradition and institution they were starting.

They were young even then; Margaret Gorman was aged 16 when she won the first Miss America Contest.

The beauty contest became big in America but then the arrival of the Great Depression caused a postponement. After the war many women felt liberated from the restrictions of Victorian principles, due to the contribution they had made to the home front. Therefore proving their worth and equality, they no longer felt the need to stay corseted at home.

By 1935 the beauty contest was resurrected and with Hollywood coming into it’s own was seen as a possible gateway to stardom. Dorothy Lamour was one such contestant who went on to become a glamorous movie star.

Now a multi-million dollar enterprise we have Miss Universe, Miss World and a multitude of lesser pageants and even contestants from 3 years old! Countries from all over the world now consider the Miss World Contest a major annual event.

The pageantry shows no signs of decline but only time will tell what the new parameters will be. What will the 21st century bring?

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Nightmarch

Many people who visit Fun Town make the mistake of writing off the working damsels for a perceived lack of intelligence. This is largely because family poverty meant they had little opportunity for a formal education.

However, when you consider that many girls (and boys) pick up a reasonable fluency in the English language and are adept at relieving so many hapless men of bundles of cash and goodies, the question must surely arise as to who really lacks the intelligence?

The Internet cafes of this town are doing a roaring trade in e-mails passing between girls who have degrees in nothing more than horizontal folk dancing and deluded foreigners ever ready to pump the bank account of their particular favourite in the largely mistaken belief that this is the ‘one’ for them.

The problem is that most walking wallets think their girl is ‘different’ to the rest. Maybe she is, in that only three other men are sending money instead of four or five smitten foreigners feeding the bank vault. Or she might be one of the few who doesn’t have a Thai husband or boyfriend lurking in the shadows.

‘But she’s different’ should be proposed as the new sub-heading for the ‘Welcome to Pattaya’ signs you see as you approach Fun Town, because that phrase must be uttered a million times a year by a million different men. (Been there, done that, got the bank account number.)

Actually, I don’t blame the girls for getting whatever they can. After all, they’re a bit like elite athletes with only a few years at the top. Say they kick off at age 18 and manage to keep their looks and body in good shape, then they may have a ‘career’ in the premier league until around 30. After then the pickings tend to become a bit slimmer as the newer and younger ‘athletes’ take the cream.

Really, it’s a bit stupid getting angry with the girls for allegedly being ripped off. After all, no one compels you to get involved or send money. It’s your free choice and if you get stung then put it down to experience. Believe me, you’re not Robinson Crusoe. Caveat emptor (that’s Latin for ‘empty wallet’).

Deliberate Mistake: A couple of weeks ago I recommended the FLB Bar (Walking Street) website as being well worth a look. Unfortunately, I think I’d indulged a little over heavily in the Creme de Menthe and sherry and got the website address wrong. It’s at www.freelancerbar.com I left out the ‘bar’ bit. My thanks to the many alert and obviously clear-headed readers who spotted the error and were kind enough to e-mail me. I don’t suppose any of you would believe that I was just testing to see if you were paying attention? No, I thought not.

In the Hot Spots: Continuing my little glitches, I wrote last week that the Dollhouse ogling den (Walking Street, underneath the Marine Disco) was offering 10 baht drinks between 7:30pm and 8:30pm. However, just to spite me (thanks Andy) they stopped doing it on March 8. The booze prices have now increased to 30 baht during what they are calling the ‘Crazy Hour’, so it’s still a pretty good deal.

They’ve also put up a sign that’s just about the biggest neon in Walking Street, shaped like a boomerang. The electricity the miniature star uses in one night would probably power a dozen or so villages in Isaan for a week.

The den plays really good music as the dancing maidens, some in their birthday suits, clasp the chrome poles of the revolving stage.

For the Hungry: The T.W. One nosh house, just a couple of doors up the road from the Dollhouse ogling den, has done a deal with the latter establishment to supply light munchies (pizzas, steak sandwiches and the like) to those punters who might be feeling a bit peckish but don’t want to leave the cosy confines of the nymphets playhouse.

The noshery is also organising to supply a similar service to the newly-opened Blues Factory, just down the Soi Lucky Star alleyway.

The current owner of T.W. One is looking for a working partner as the long hours (the place opens for business at 10:30 a.m. and goes on until around 4:00 a.m.) are getting to be a bit much.

My e-mail address is: [email protected]

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Guide to buying a large dog: Boxer

by C. Schloemer

Good points: brave, clownish, good guard dog, loves children, loyal, impressive show dog.

Take heed: enjoys a scrap, but respects opponents smaller than itself.

The Boxer is a delightful animal that takes longer than most to grow up. It’s a delightful breed with a sense of fun and loves children. The Boxer makes a superb family pet. It is also a faithful protector of its owner and family. The loyalty of this breed is touching and those who are Boxer owners are happy with its vivacious personality and lumbering antics. This breed matures a little slower than most and will retain its puppy personality for years when housed with an affectionate and loving family. This dog has personality. However, it is an exuberant animal, powerful and energetic. Owners should have a reasonably sized home and garden to house this fine animal, and give it the time and attention it will need for healthy exercise and training.

The Boxer has served in the armed forces and is has been used as a guide dog for the blind. Its tail is docked, and when pleased, it tends to wag its whole body with pleasure. Attentive and intelligent, this breed does well in the show ring. It is a beautiful dog which moves with muscular grace and charm. It is fairly easy to train and has a gentle nature with people. It may tend to scrap with other dogs, so training with voice commands is recommended.

Size: Height at the withers: dog 56-61 cm, bitch 53-58.5. Weight: dogs around 30 kg, and bitches should weigh approximately 28.1 kg.

Exercise: Good daily walks and off the lead romps are recommended. This dog is well muscled and will enjoy all the exercise the owner can manage. A reasonable garden and a family of children will keep this breed happy and loyal. The Boxer can be a good guard and is very loyal to his master and family. The Boxer will do well in urban areas if there are parks nearby for daily walks.

Grooming: Since the Boxer is a short-haired breed, daily brushing is sufficient to keep his coat in good condition. A good rub down with Turkish towelling will make him gleam.

Origin and History: The Boxer is traceable to the old holding of dogs of Mollossus or Mastiff type, which the Cimbrians took into battle against the Romans. Like the Bulldog, its jaws are undershot, a common trait with bull-baiters. The Brabant bull-baiter from which the English Bulldog is evolved, also played a part in the evolution of the Boxer. And it retains its fighting spirit to this day.

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Shaman’s Rattle: Alternative medicine?

by Marion

Safe, effective, natural healing or Holistic health can be a viable proposition. Natural remedies such as Ayurveda, acupuncture, aromatherapy, diet therapy, herbal remedies, massage, meditation, rational recovery, relaxation, reiki, T’ai chi, traditional Chinese medicine, and yoga are increasingly being used alongside conventional medicine. Natural health need not be considered ‘Alternative’ which implies an imperative ‘either/or attitude’, ‘Either take drugs for back pain or try yoga.’ Nature’s cures are complimentary to conventional medicine, can enhance well being and prevent illness. When sickness does arrive they can be used to complement the medico’s treatment. Actually, integrative medicine is using the best of both.

Buyer Beware

In the words of Paracelsus, “Dosage alone determines poisoning.” In other words, a sprinkle of salt is harmless but 3 grams of salt will kill an adult. More is definitely not better. No authentic qualified natural therapist would ever prescribe herbal medicines or vitamins without recommending safe dosages.

Look to the quality of advice or the therapist qualifications. Don’t use free advice from the Internet because it is likely to be somebody’s unqualified opinion. Check the authorship of books. Are they written by someone medically or physically qualified? An untrained massage therapist or chiropractor can do more harm than good. Take safe and sensible precautions, not the neighbour’s advice of what worked for them. O.K.?

What is alternative about Alternative medicine?

There are 7 main differences in philosophy between conventional Western Medicine and Natural Healing.

1. Conventional Western medicine defines health as the absence of disease; whereas Holistic Health is considered to be a proactive state of well being, characterized by vitality and a mind / body / spirit balanced lifestyle. 2. Conventional Medicine generally, except in enlightened areas such as Occupational Health and safety, focuses on the cure, rather than the prevention of disease and injury. Western Medicine DOES recognize the correlation between lifestyle, working environment and disease; however, Holistic Health emphasizes prevention and a lifestyle that maintains vitality and balance. 3.Generally the mind and the body are treated separately in regard to the cure and cause of disease in Western medicine; though Holistic Health sees the mind and body as unified, ‘what affects one affects the other.’ 4. Conventional Medicine regards most disease as the direct result of outside causative agents, including bacteria, viruses, carcinogens, stress or environmental factor; and Holistic Health views disease rather as originating from within as the result of imbalances in the mind / body / spirit-lifestyle that disrupts normal organ function and blocks vital energy flow. 5. The primary healing methods in western medicine are drugs, surgery or radiation to eradicate symptoms; Holistic Health offers primary treatments that restore vitality and balance through lifestyle measures such as diet, exercise, herbal medicines, massage, meditation and stress reduction, etc. 6. The Doctor plays the pivotal role in healing in Western medicine; and in Holistic Natural health the patient’s lifestyle choices are most essential to influence the progress of healing. 7. Holistic Health regards the individual’s mental, physical and spiritual factors as more important in overall healing; and Western medicine is based on scientific trails, statistics and symptom based diagnosis.

Horses for Courses

Integrative Medicine utilizes the best elements of both practices. ‘Alternative, Holistic, Natural, Native, Health’ call it what you will, is complimentary and not mutually exclusive to conventional medicine. Not many people would consider exclusively taking herbal remedies for a broken pelvis instead of surgery. I know I wouldn’t. Neither would most rush off to the Doctor or hospital for insect bites or a minor sniffle they could fix themselves with calamine lotion, or eucalyptus inhalation. Both natural prescriptions and Western medicine have their time and place; they can be used to compliment each other and are not mutually exclusive. Holistic health can improve the recovery process after surgery, and aid in prevention of many lifestyle attributable diseases, for instance. Conventional medicine is much more effective in the treatment of trauma, infection and medical emergencies, also preventing many infectious diseases by immunization.

Rational recovery from alcohol addiction - covered next week.

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The Message In The Moon: Is my Sun-Moon combination the final word?

by Anchalee Kaewmanee

We have reviewed just a few historical examples of how the Sun-Moon combination gives a more complete portrait of character. If the reader is now wondering if the Sun-Moon combination is the final word about an individual’s personality and emotional inclinations, it would be wise to understand that no combination can be labeled either good or bad, strong or weak. Surely there will be objections that we have free will. And other factors in a subject’s horoscope also have determining influences. I agree. It is clear that, in each combination, there are potential strengths and talents, as well as potential weaknesses and limitations. But it is important to remember that these are only potentials. It is ultimately our responsibility as individuals to recognize and develop our unique talents and skills, and to apply them in a positive, creative, and self affirmative manner.

Your Sun-Moon combination is only a part of the story. Your individual horoscope has other factors which can significantly modify your Sun-Moon combination. A comprehensive astrological chart drawn up by an experienced astrologer allows for the inclusion of very important components, such as the rising star, and other planetary aspects. The important thing to remember is that the Sun-Moon combination forms the core of your personality, your ego, and your emotional nature. Other factors aside from astrological ones go into shaping a personality, including childhood experiences, environment, cultural background, and education. An Aries-Scorpio with a poverty stricken rural background, or one raised in an inner-city slum, will certainly be different from an English speaking middle class subject who is reading this column. Both, nonetheless, will have many of the qualities common to an Aries-Scorpio combination.

The Sun-Moon combinations that will follow in this column are based upon the traditional astrological method of combining or synthesizing the most important elements of an individual’s chart. In addition, they are drawn from insights gained from practicing astrologers’ observations, experience and insights.

Astrology never denies the power of free will or the ability to change. By recognizing and identifying our strengths and weaknesses, we are better able to deal with them. But we cannot begin to solve the riddle of our personalities or solve our problems, either, until we first understand them. So often these days, people are looking for the wonder drug, the therapy, an educational course or program, self-help organization, or a new religious cult which will lead to self knowledge. The rising number of diverse therapies and group programs (religious, anonymous, or otherwise) in the past few decades attests to our need to enhance ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. Many such courses and programs, organized groups and therapies, are geared more to quick ‘fixes’ and group dependency. This is not to say that these groups may not have a place in the life of an individual who joins them and sincerely reaps a benefit from the experience. That is all to the good. If an organization or a group has produced insights and understanding for certain problems in a person’s life, it has surely done its job well.

However, oftentimes the hope for speedy results and the desire for instant gratification is very strong, thus making these organized, and sometimes very commercialized options, popular, indeed. Sometimes they become a replacement for self help instead of a path to better understanding. It is unfortunate that so many people are attracted to such short-cuts, with so little lasting results. We should spend more time in deeper introspection and self-analysis before we abandon ourselves in search of prophets who offer instant answers and solutions to others, when it is only ourselves who will find them, deep within our own personality traits and emotional propensities.

Astrology gives the individual a chance to travel the road to self discovery, independently. Through astrology we can learn about our strengths and talents, or our weaker traits and inclinations which obstruct progress and form obstacles to our success as individuals. This is the foundation of true self knowledge, and it is a method we can use to gain more self confidence, so that we become ready to embark on other paths of endeavor, and gain self realization. In short: To know thyself.

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