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  COLUMNS

HEADLINES [click on headline to view story]:
 
Family Money: Private Portfolio Management (Part 2)
 
Successfully Yours: Dr. Frank D. Schroeder
 
Snap Shots: Opportunity knocks!
  
Modern Medicine: Allergic Rhinitis or Hay Fever?

Heart to Heart with Hillary
 
Grapevine

Dining Out: Mahasejthi Seafood - Magnificent!
 
Animal Crackers: Dugongs: mamals or Mermaids?
 
Down The Iron Road: The Hatfield Derailment of October 2000 (Part 1)
 
Social Commentary by Khai Khem
 
The Computer Doctor
 
Sea Worlds
 
Secrets of The Hand
 
Forgotten Classics
 
Shaman’s Rattle
 
Women’s World
 
Nightmarch
 
Guide to buying a small dog

Family Money: Private Portfolio Management (Part 2)

By Leslie Wright

Last week we started looking at some of the aspects that need to be considered when constructing an investment portfolio, and specifically how my firm goes about doing this for our clients (since I cannot really comment on how others might go about it).

First, the risk-aversion profile of the client has to be determined and understood by both sides. Many investors do not look at this all-important criterion as objectively as they should. All too often, their portfolio is either too aggressive or too conservative for their circumstances and investment objectives.

The base-currency of the investment then has to be decided (which is also not as obvious and straightforward as many might think).

Having determined the risk profile and base currency, we then establish the client’s time horizon. How long can he or she expect to leave the investment to grow before requiring access to the capital?

This will determine the sort of investment vehicle that might be appropriate for this particular client, and the proportion of cash to bonds to equities that might be incorporated within his or her portfolio.

Active or Passive?

The next step is establishing what sort of participation the client wants to have in the decision-making process: whether he or she wishes to be active or passive in deciding the components that will make up the investment - the horses that will pull the cart, if you will.

This determines whether the investor will be an advisory client or a discretionary client.

Some clients may want to have a 90% input to what they invest in and a 10% sounding board service. Other less sophisticated clients may want a 90% or even 100% input from their advisor.

If a client wishes to participate actively in the management of his/her account, this is accommodated (within reason and within the limits of what is administratively practical).

Some sophisticated investors have the time, interest and access to the required specialised information (and this does not mean the business news on CNN or CNBC!) to manage their own portfolios, and merely require an administrative conduit to the investment institution that is holding the portfolio.

Others freely admit they don’t follow the markets, and haven’t the expertise nor the interest to participate in the day-to-day decisions on what constitutes their portfolio. These clients either want active portfolio management from a qualified and experienced advisor (for which they’re prepared to pay a fee), or regular meetings with their advisor to review market conditions and be provided sound advice of how best to adjust the portfolio to meet changing conditions.

These parameters are discussed in detail with the client and the goalposts set at mutually acceptable points.

At the same time, we agree on how frequently and by what mechanism reports are furnished to the client. Monthly as e-mail attachments? Quarterly in face-to-face meetings to discuss hard-copy valuation reports? Or once a year when the globetrotting client passes through Pattaya? Some people like to analyse their investments to death; others just want the bottom line.

It’s important for the portfolio manager to understand what each individual client expects; but also for the client to understand what can reasonably be delivered.

After all, how would you like to be called up on a Sunday evening because of some news your advisor saw on TV? This portfolio manager also takes a dim view of his Sunday evening being disturbed by a client fretting about something neither of them can do anything about until at least the next business day.

The Asset Allocation Matrix

Only after all the conditions discussed above have been clarified and agreed upon can one actually start constructing the portfolio.

The technical term for what will be the proportion of cash to bonds to equities in any given portfolio is its “asset allocation matrix” or AAM for short.

“Diversification” is a term often misunderstood by investors. It does not mean several blue-chip stocks in their home market, plus a few bonds and some cash in the bank. It means having a flexible, strategically-diversified mix of cash, bonds and equities spread around the world in the markets and sectors deemed most likely to produce the desired results in the short, medium, and longer term, and within the set parameters discussed earlier.

Thus a recommended mix of appropriate collective-investment funds investing in bonds, equities and alternative investments, back-tested to show performance, would be presented to the client for his approval before any final decision were taken.

This might comprise only 4 or 5 funds; it might constitute 25. The number would be determined by several factors, not least of which is the amount of capital available to spread the risk, and hence the investment vehicle most appropriate to the client’s particular needs and circumstances.

The relative volatility of each component fund would be explained; and the client then decides if he would have been happy with the performance, and the peaks and troughs. If not, the AAM is modified.

It is worth bearing in mind that the past few years have been a particularly good period for the major markets of the world. If historically you were expecting 12~15%, now you should expect 8~10%. There has been a downturn in returns but not in volatility. If anything, in a period of uncertainty such as is prevailing now, there is more volatility than in the ‘good’ times. And hence, a portfolio manager has to work harder to limit the losses and reduce this volatility to levels acceptable to his clients.

Of course, investment preferences of individual clients are noted when making the actual investment choices. A client might have strong views - either positive or negative - on certain markets or sectors, and these prejudices have to be borne in mind.

For instance, one might develop investment themes. If the client wants to pursue the demographic theme, the ever-ageing population would support pharmaceutical stocks and funds that invest in healthcare. Belief in the up-and-coming ubiquity of broadband and the ever-greater use of satellite communications and cell phones might lead one to invest in the telecommunications sector, or an over-weighting in technology (despite this sector’s recent volatility).

These themes would be included in the portfolio based partly on the preferences of the client, and partly on what leading institutional analysts believe are growth areas going forward. The balance between these would depend on what had been agreed as to the client’s participatory input in the decision-making process, and how much discretion had been allotted to the portfolio advisor.

But “going forward” are the key words here. Stellar performance last year of any particular geographical market or market sector is not necessarily an indicator of good performance continuing in that same market for the coming 6-12 months. In fact, rarely is past performance an indication of future performance.

For this reason, it makes sense to incorporate an internal hedging mechanism in your portfolio.

Hedging the bets

There are literally hundreds of funds to choose from for any particular market. For example, one of the leading tracking services includes over 400 funds in the European equity sector alone. How do you choose the best ones to include in your portfolio? Past performance is the single criterion by which most amateur investors make this decision. But that is not the end of the story by any means.

While you are at least comparing apples with apples (as opposed to bananas or oranges), you find on closer inspection that these apples come in all shapes and sizes, and various colours and flavours.

One European equity fund may be required to invest not less than a minimum in each of the countries of Europe, while another may be required to invest not more than a certain maximum in any one country of Europe. This may seem a subtle difference, but in fact is a fundamental one. The management style - and hence the volatility and performance - will be quite different between these two funds.

A third may allow the manager more discretion to invest into quite narrow sectors, or pick stocks which he particularly favours. Such a fund may outperform the first two by a wide margin - or it may under perform. It will inherently tend to be more volatile in the short term.

It would make sense then to hedge your bets somewhat by including not just one but several funds for each sector you want to invest in, each perhaps managed in a different style.

The chances of undue volatility are reduced, while your chances of having picked a winner are increased.

In times of uncertainty, using several funds which can invest globally at the managers’ discretion, but managed in slightly different ways, serves to spread the risk and optimise your growth potential.

If the fund managers are doing their jobs correctly, they will buy into markets and sectors as they see opportunities arising in the short term, and sell out as they see peaks or danger signals. They have teams of analysts and economists to help them do this, and their very jobs (and income) depend on getting it right more often than they get it wrong.

You as an investor get to benefit from this expertise, and optimise your growth potential while minimising your risks. And at the end of the day, that is what capital investment is all about.

Leslie Wright is Managing Director of Westminster Portfolio Services (Thailand) Ltd., a firm of independent financial advisors providing advice to expatriate residents of the Eastern Seaboard on personal financial planning and international investments. If you have any comments or queries on this article, or about other topics concerning investment matters, contact Leslie directly by fax on (038) 232522 or e-mail [email protected]. Further details and back articles can be accessed on his firm’s website on www.westminsterthailand.com

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Successfully Yours: Dr. Frank D. Schroeder

By Mirin MacCarthy

Dr Frank Schroeder was born in Marl, the Ruhr region of Germany forty years ago to a family of an industrial chemist father and bank officer mother and one younger sister.

As a youngster Frank showed he had an inquiring mind, “I was a very curious boy. I wanted to learn the reason ‘why’ to everything. I had an interest in natural science, following in my father’s footsteps I suppose. I chose physics, though not chemistry, but physics gave more answers to the questions of nature.”

His thirst for answers was intense because straight after high school Frank then spent eleven years studying and working. Five years at the University of Dortmund studying the equivalent of an M.A in laser physics followed by six years undertaking a doctorate in mechanical engineering, specializing in quality testing of materials by holography, artificial intelligence and image processing. That’s a real thirst for answers!

Concurrently with his studying, Frank, now Dr. Frank, was additionally working at special projects in industry as well as starting a family, since after completing his Masters in Physics Frank had married his wife Claudia in 1990.

While studying for his Doctorate Frank also became European Quality Manager for the German Society of Quality in Frankfurt. Then he became scientific co-worker, then four years as department head Dortmund University Chair of Quality Management, Optical Inspection Systems.

In 1996 Dr. Frank then changed career directions to become special projects manager for Grohe and Company, the world’s largest manufacturer of sanitary faucets and fittings, with 5700 employees located in Hemer Germany.

By this stage, Dr. Frank was now the father of two children and in 1997 he was offered the position to come to Thailand as managing director of Grohe Siam Ltd. here. Dr Frank laughed and said, “Luckily my wife followed me and our children go to school at the ISE. At the beginning it was very difficult for her because the plant is in Rayong Province miles away from anywhere.”

While in Thailand, Dr. Frank has busied himself with learning about the Thai culture and language. He is very much out there and involved in the community. In 1999 he was asked to be Rong Prathan, vice president of the Kathin Ceremony in Ban Na, Klaeng. In February 2000 Dr. Frank was instrumental in the start of the “Private Partnership Project”, which is a two year training project of Thai companies to allow them to be more competitive in the world market. In September last year Dr. Frank was seminar chairman of “The Metal Working Industry, Business Presence in Thailand.” Even more recently he has joined Rotary as a member of the Jomtien-Pattaya Rotary Club.

Dr Frank especially likes the weather and working with the Thais, “It is much easier to motivate Thai employees than Germans. In Germany there are more machines and more mechanization. Here you are relying more on the hand skills of the people. It is helpful too when the first thing you see in the morning is a smiling face. That is something that I have learned that I will take back with me to Germany as well as diplomatic behaviour in discussions, not to let others lose face.”

Dr. Frank is very much the family man in addition to being business orientated. “I don’t really have much time for hobbies now because of my long working hours. I try to spend as much time as possible with my family though, touring and sharing Pokemon games with the children.” In fact Dr Frank and Claudia can often be seen in Royal Garden, at the weekend, shopping for Pokemon toys with the kids.

The most important values to him are diligence at work and a positive attitude. “Even if you have no special talents you can always compensate by diligence. A positive attitude to everything is important also. Even if you have some aspect of a job you don’t like, it is your attitude that changes your ability to do it.”

“I think you can define success as making other people happy. Money is a lot, but it is not everything. If I can keep my family happy and I have positive feedback both from my boss and my employees - then that is success. That is why I fit in naturally with the Rotarians here - it is a group that helps to make other people happy. Rotary has a positive impact.”

Although Dr Frank and his family plan to return to Germany in a few months time he plans on taking the best aspects of living and working here back with him. His advice to farang businessmen is a wise, “Listen to your Thai employees, take them seriously then motivate them. How? First you listen and then have discussions with them. Then you try to follow the Thai way. Don’t to be tough with your decisions. A manager has more power in decision-making here than in Europe. For instance in Germany there are so many unions that limit your decision-making. Then the other important ways of motivation are education and training.”

If Dr. Frank did not have to work he would spend the time enjoying sports, “Jogging and golf, I love to jog and golf too. It is not too hot to play golf even here in Thailand. I like the hot weather. Before in Europe we followed the sun, we went to Greece and Italy for holidays.”

From the boy who was looking for the answers, the man now seems to have them. You can’t help feeling that nothing is impossible for this interested and interesting positive man and therein lies his own success.

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Snap Shots: Opportunity knocks!

by Harry Flashman

Sometimes photography can be just a case of grasping an opportunity. In fact, in the world of public relations they even use words such as, “There will be a photo opportunity with the president after the press conference.” A sort of ‘Carpe Camera’ I suppose!

Take a look at this week’s photo. This was a straight out case of seizing the opportunity and had a humorous result. Harry had been approached by a hopeful young model who was looking to get a portfolio together. This is a bundle of shots they drag around the modelling agencies, hoping that they will get some work. The rewards can be enormous, but only a very few get to the top where the enormous rewards are.

I had also been approached by a young make-up artist who wanted a bunch of photographs to show the same modelling agencies just what she could produce. It seemed a natural to bring these two hopefuls together for a session at the studio.

On the appointed day we looked across the street and some aerosol can bandit had sprayed “Violence grows” on the wall - and the first opportunity presented itself. “Let’s use the wall as the background for a shot where the model is made up to look like a punk rocker.”

The make-up artist went to work while my assistant and I scoured the wardrobe area of the studio. The model already had the black tights and white boots, her boyfriend had the leather jacket and we had the string vest and the chain, a regulation hardware shop item.

We also decided that we should have a couple of aerosol cans to do one shot as if the model were the graffiti artist, so we added those to the equipment we would take down to the shooting area. Harry even remembers the colour - Planet Purple - an important part of this tale.

We set up the model in position, the camera was on a tripod because I wanted to take some slow shutter speed shots to give an impression of movement in the chain and the assistant had the flash unit. We had taken only a couple of shots when up draws a police car - “Whose in charge round here?” said the most gorgeous lady police officer Harry had ever seen. “I am” said Harry sauntering over to the car.

By this stage Harry is thinking that the greatest opportunity of all time was presenting itself. Gorgeous police officer “arresting” punk rocker photo - all the ingredients were right there. This idyllic notion quickly disappeared with the words “I am going to arrest you for defacing public property” from said gorgeous police lady!

Still hopeful Harry laughed and said, “It wasn’t us, we’re just taking a photograph of this young model.” “So where did the aerosol cans come from?” she barked. It was then I looked at the colour on the wall - white. Our cans were Planet Purple! Eventually gorgeous police lady believed the story and they moved on. Harry did not suggest she pose for the ultimate shot seen in his mind’s eye.

So we photographed the model without the aerosol spray paint cans and just relied on the make-up, outfit and the chain for the effect. The shutter speed selected was 1/8th of a second and this was slow enough to show a little movement in the chain, but not as much as I had hoped, but the model did well to remain still during the exposure. Harry thinks you will agree that the end result was good and in fact the young lady and the make-up artist both got work from that day of seized opportunity. However, like fisherman, the opportunistic shot that “got away” still lives on!

Of course, the moral of this story is that you should always look out for shots that may present themselves to you. It also means that you have a camera at the ready. And it also means you have to have your excuses at the ready too! As David Garred says in his fitness column - Carpe Diem!

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Modern Medicine: Allergic Rhinitis or Hay Fever?

by Dr Iain Corness

Imagine an ailment that affects 40 million Americans! You’d imagine that millions of dollars would be spent on eradicating it, but that’s not the case with Allergic Rhinitis, otherwise known as “Hay Fever”.

To get Hay Fever, you don’t need to stand in a hay field, and neither do you run a fever, so Allergic Rhinitis is a much better name. It is a true allergy response which results in sneezing, itching, a clear runny nose, postnasal drip, dark circles under the eyes, and fatigue. It is an allergic reaction to inhalants such as pollen, dust mites, animal dander and mould. It can be seasonal, caused by trees, grasses and weeds, or it can be year-round, most often caused by an allergy to the dust mite, a microscopic creature that thrives on humidity and human skin. (Please stop scratching, you’re worrying me!)

The mechanism by which all this happens is somewhat complex, but basically, histamine is released by your body’s reaction to the allergen and the mucous producing cells in the nose go berserk and the dripping begins.

So what can you do about it? There are two main avenues to pursue. One is avoidance and the other medications, so let’s look at those. Avoidance first - if your Allergic Rhinitis is seasonal and you know which flower brings it on, then you can try to avoid going outside when the Jasmine is in flower or whatever. If your condition comes on every time you stroke the cat, find it a new home or stop patting the feline. If you think it is caused by house dust mite then throw away your carpets, wash the floors every day and vacuum afterwards, even vacuuming your bedclothes.

Now let’s look at medication. Since it is a histamine response, the obvious medication to commence with is an “Anti”-histamine. Now there are lots of antihistamines which are taken by mouth and most of them have problematic side effects, especially the older varieties. This was generally drowsiness, especially when first taking the medication, and led to the general warning that this medication should not be used when driving or operating machinery. This was also made worse with alcohol, a huge problem. Newer varieties are called “non-sedating”, but still have to be approached with caution.

A better way is to take something directly at the nasal tissues, rather than having chemicals floating around the blood stream. Unfortunately, this is where we get a few more problems. Nose drops called nasal decongestants act to decrease the swelling of the nasal tissue and the resulting feeling of stuffiness. However, nasal decongestants cause “rebound” congestion and irritation of the nasal passages if used more than 2-3 days. This means the stuffiness returns, but the nose spray doesn’t help as much. So you take more, and it improves, but then rapidly gets worse - so you take more, and so on, and so on and so on! Probably the best are the “steroid” nose drops, as these do not cause rebound, but can produce bleeding from the nose if used too much and too often.

Allergic Rhinitis remains a problem, but can be eased by antihistamines and steroid nasal drops - but no decongestant drops - please!

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Dear Hillary,

My 22-year-old English girlfriend and I have been here for almost two years and we have always managed to get along well, despite differences in our ages (I am six years older than she is). We have been having a rocky patch recently and she has now decided to go back home to the UK. What can I do to stop her leaving? She says she will go at the end of February. I have told her the weather will not be good and how different she will find the UK compared to Pattaya, but she is adamant. Hillary, what do you suggest?

Jack

Dear Jack,

That’s not a very old head on your 28-year-old shoulders, is it? If your girlfriend has decided to leave, then you must go with her decision. She is 22 years old and reasonably mature I would assume, although the fact that she has lived with you for two years might put a question mark over this. You can ask why she came to the conclusion, (and it is a conclusion, isn’t it Petal) but her decision is her decision - not yours. Sorry. Better luck next time. Get an older girlfriend or lie about your age.

Dear Hillary,

What is your opinion on topless sun bathing? Every year about this time we get a big influx of foreign European tourists who lie around all our beaches topless, and judging by some of the costumes, for men as well as women, almost bottomless as well. You never see the Thais doing it, so why do the tourists do this? I think it is quite disgusting.

Noi

Dear Noi,

Most men love it, but there’s a cultural dilemma here. As you know, Thais are shy people and do not go on the beach unclothed - forget about the ones you see in go go bars, they are not your ‘average’ Thai girl. The foreigners, especially from certain parts of Europe, consider that topless and/or bottomless sunbathing to be the ‘norm’ so will continue this practice when they go on holidays to places with plenty of sun, like Pattaya. I think the custom is here to stay and there’s not much you can do about it, other than stop going to the beach, or wear blinkers. The other problem isn’t the big influx, it is simply theirs are much bigger than ours and I get jealous!

Dear Hillary,

The other kids at school are getting more allowance money than I get. I’m 14 years old and my Dad only gives me 200 baht a week and I find it hard because I can’t get as much as the other 14 year olds. Some 12 year olds get more than me. Do you think it is fair Hillary? How much do you think I should get?

Poor little schoolgirl

Dear Poor little schoolgirl,

It is not as easy as saying that if Jane gets 300 baht then so should you. There are lots of differences between families in the way that they divide up the family budget. Some families make the children responsible for their own toiletries, for example, so those children will appear to get more of an allowance than children who get their toothpaste from the family budget. Do you have to pay your own way in the movies, or does Dad give you the money when you go? If you reckon you’re underpaid, then you can always sit down with Dad and discuss things as you see it, but do remember to listen to how Dad sees it too. There are always two sides to it. Hillary also believes that your allowance should reflect the work you do within the family - it is not a ‘free’ handout every week. When was the last time you tidied your room?

Dear Hillary,

My problem is one that embarrasses me greatly. I am an ordinary looking 30-year-old woman of average height and weight, but my chest development stopped when I was about thirteen, so I now have only a 30 inch bust. I normally wear big sloppy shirts to disguise my figure, but I cannot go to the beach because it is so obvious that I have no top. I know the easy answer is to avoid going to the beach, but there is a man at work who is showing interest in me and he is a very keen sailing enthusiast and has asked me out on his boat a couple of times. Have you any advice for flat-chested girls, Hillary?

Two fried eggs

Dear two fried eggs,

At least you have a good sense of humour, and it is probably that which makes you attractive to this man in the office. You can always wear a bulky yachting parka style of top I suppose, but if your fried eggs are really holding you back then you should consider plastic surgery. It can be done in Pattaya, and I know the Bangkok-Pattaya Hospital has a cosmetic surgeon on staff. You’ve nothing to lose by enquiring, and it sounds to me that it would do your self-esteem a power of good.

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GRAPEVINE

Ital-Thai misunderstanding

Shocked Sicilian tourist Gini Rapello returned to his flat in Pattaya South Road to find his girlfriend in a compromising position with another man. He realized something was afoot after finding the bedroom door barricaded with a chest of drawers which were not usually there. Barging his way in, Gio grabbed the scantily clad male stranger and assisted his hasty exit with several kicks in the nether regions. But suspicious circumstances are not always what they seem. Girlfriend Noo explained that the stranger was in fact her brother, recently arrived in Pattaya on a goodwill visit, who was helping her to move furniture around in the flat in an attempt to locate the source of a foul smell. Following an electric brownout, they had both agreed to remove some clothes to keep cool as they labored away at the specified task.

Bar hazards

A Sattahip nightclub was raided this week after vigilant officers noticed that the lights were still on at 4.00 a.m. and accompanied by sounds of merriment which were clearly audible from across the road. These nefarious and unwelcome practices, of course, are contrary to the licensing regulations as well as being a threat to public order. A spot fine of 5,000 baht was levied. When the club owner found out the following day, he castigated his staff without mercy calling them careless ninnies and undeserving wretches. There is some speculation that the owner himself may be an officer of the law. This is because he has ordered his bar manager, a doorman who had fallen asleep and three waitresses to “transfer to inactive posts” for the foreseeable future.

Reader queries

American JG bets that you can’t find a Denver sandwich in Pattaya. Actually you can. The Denver sandwich, which has a tasty omelet base, is available at the Wild Chicken in Soi Post Office. Incidentally, they make a fine chili con carne too whilst their French fries are deliciously dry and crisp... Tourist DS is tired of being ripped off when buying second hand golf balls. Well, he should certainly try Thai-Ger Line golf shop in Soi Chaiyapool (next to Seaside Two Restaurant) where you can choose your own for as little as 10 baht each... Expat FL wants to know if it is 100% safe to send a parcel by EMS post overseas. Afraid not. EMS provides proof of posting (you get a certificate) but does not guarantee delivery. The sure safe method of sending parcels overseas is to use a private operator such as UPS or DHL which track the goods throughout their journey. But, of course, you pay a lot extra for this level of customer care.

Not guilty m’lud

An irate reader complains that he was acquitted of an offence in Pattaya court but still had to leave the country before his holiday was completed. He regards this as unfair to say the least and damaging to the tourist industry. The truth is that the Thai authorities have the right to revoke anyone’s visa at any time. A visa gives you the right of entry for a specified period but does not guarantee that you are inviolate for the duration. Indeed, mere suspicion that a foreigner has intended to commit a crime could be enough to enforce a deportation order. There is nothing uniquely hostile in these regulations of the Immigration Act. Virtually, any country in the world reserves the right to terminate the stay of someone deemed by officialdom to be undesirable for whatever reason.

Merseyside copycat

Grapevine has learned that the question reader in the weekly quiz held at the Corn Exchange in Fenwick Street, Liverpool, is a great guy who looks amazingly like Bob who reads the questions locally in Pattaya at Palmer’s Bar. The Merseyside guy is youngish looking for his age and rather distinguished in appearance, just like Bob, but has an imposing manner and occasionally stumbles over words of four syllables or more. An example of this would be dendrochronology - the scientific study of tree rings. If we get a photo from Liverpool, we’ll be glad to print it to prove an amazing coincidence.

Extending your stay

Several readers have asked whether the popular one day visa runs to the Cambodian border are legal. Absolutely. You are typically taken in a minibus and are stamped out of Thailand and then in again within an hour or two. No problem and a lot cheaper than journeying down to Malaysia on the train. A temporary Cambodian visa is arranged by the travel company at the inclusive price. The only “new” visa available at the border post is a thirty days on arrival permit as you cross back into Thailand. Or, if you happen to be using a double or multiple entry Thai visa, you get a further sixty days (tourist) or ninety days (non immigrant). What is not strictly legal, although everyone knows it goes on, is to give your passport to a third party to make a visa run anywhere on your behalf to save you the bother of traveling. If you need to make a visa run, do it yourself, is the best advice.

Sighted signs

Eagle eyed AB spotted these for your elucidation:

Funeral parlor. Parking for clients only.

Showhouse advert. The shower door has been removed for your viewing pleasure.

At the hairdresser. If you want any dying, bring your own ingredients.

At the tailor. We have shirts for man with sixteen necks.

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Dining Out: Mahasejthi Seafood - Magnificent!

by Miss Terry Diner

The Dining Out Team from the Pattaya Mail heard from regular reader Janet Cheong suggesting that Miss Terry should visit Mahasejthi Seafood in Jomtien - so, ever mindful of our reading public, a team of three of us descended incognito on the unsuspecting eatery.

Mahasejthi Seafood is on Jomtien Beach Road, a few hundred metres after the Sigma Resort. It is in a corner shop house on the seafront and there is a clearly illuminated sign outside. Parking is on the soi beside the restaurant.

The first surprise was the standard of tables and chairs. Not the usual mismatch of tired tables and chairs seen in many Thai style restaurants, but elegant designer wooden tables and matching slotted chairs. They are even comfortable to sit on, as opposed to so many ‘elegant’ designs. You can eat inside or out and we chose a table outside to catch the sea breezes.

Our waiter arrived promptly and place mats were put down in front of us. These were the next classy touch, being made of clear plastic with laminated natural leaves. After this, the menu arrived. It is a multi-page affair, with the accent being (naturally) on seafood. Again this is a Thai restaurant, so some of the spelling can be a little awry, but these things do add to the fun of the dining experience in our opinion. Chinese Broccori being a wonderful example of the genre.

The menu items are generally indicated as Small or Large, with the lesser quantity being around 60 baht and the larger 120 baht. There are also some seasonal price by weight items. The beverage side has the usual local beers around (40 baht), or a bottle of imported whiskey for 850 baht, plus the normal soft drinks and mixers.

Between us we chose a crab omelette, a gung krabung, 500 grams of grilled prawns, a large tom kha gai and some prawns in red curry, all accompanied by steamed rice. We had brought our own Scotch and the waiter attended to the soda water, ice and mixing.

The gung krabung arrived first, almost like a prawn toast, arranged tastefully on the plate with slices of star anise. This was literally a ‘melt in the mouth’ dish and well received by all of us, and incidentally, one that none of us had eaten before. Next up was the crab omelette, beautifully cooked, not greasy or oily in any way, and plenty of crab inside. The grilled prawns were very large tigers and expertly prepared, and came with a finger bowl with lemon water. What’s more, they were mouth-watering and not at all rubbery as prawns can so easily become if left too long on the grill.

If this were not enough, the large tureen of tom kha gai contained one of the best tom kha’s I have tasted in some time and then we attacked the prawns in red curry. After just one mouthful, one of my guests exclaimed spontaneously, “This is absolutely divine!” and it was. The delicate taste of the red curry permeated through the soft juicy prawns.

The next surprise was in the toilets. Joyce had made a brief reference in her email, but she had not adequately prepared us for two immaculate toilets, complete with “designer” stone work on the floor and potted plants, with a wash hand basin complete with a basket of clean folded individual towels. Literally 5 star resort hotel loos in a small beachside Thai restaurant. Truly amazing!

We called for the bill and that was the next surprise. Grand total, including mixers, ice, rice, three small dishes, a large tom kha and half a kilo of prawns came to 525 baht for three people. After such great food, such great value!

If you think this has been a “rave” review, then you are quite correct. Thank you Janet Cheong for the tip about this restaurant. We will be putting this place on our own “regular” list as well. Do try it.

Mahasejthi Seafood, 79/56 M1, Jomtien Beach Road, telephone 232 929.

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Animal Crackers: Dugongs: mamals or mermaids?

by Mirin MacCarthy

The dugong, or sea cow, is one of the largest, gentlest, and most endangered marine creatures, and is the only true sea-going herbivore. Closely related to the manatee, sailors of old after sighting these creatures mistakenly believed they must be mermaids, perhaps because of their often seaweed wreathed heads, fish like tails, brownish smooth skin, mammary glands, and even suckling babies, though close up they are fairly ugly, cow like and large, growing up to 3 metres and weighing in at 400 kg.

These gentle giants once grazed in huge herds of thousands, ranging from the East African coast of the Indian Ocean throughout the South China and Andaman Seas here, to the Pacific and northern coasts of Australia. Driven to near extinction it has been hunted for centuries for its meat, oil and skin. Today, sea cows are still threatened by hunting, trapping in nets, pollution and collisions with boats.

Once thought to be extinct in Thailand, a very tiny population of 34 animals was discovered in Trang Province South Thailand near Koh Libong. Whether this unique creature will survive into the next century as part of Thailand’s heritage is doubtful without massive public education and protection.

Dugongs are true mammals that show tender affection to their young. They suckle their calves for eighteen months, carry them on their backs when they are tired and gently guide them along with their flippers.

Similar in nature to the manatees of the Americas, the dugongs are distinguished by their whale like notched tails, while those of the manatees are a flat rounded paddle-shape like a beaver. Both are herbivores feeding on sea grasses.

Sea cows have few competitors for their sea-grass diet, but the silicate in their diet forces the sea cow to constantly replace its teeth. A very slow metabolic rate permits submergence for long periods. Their flippers and fluked tail make the dugong more manoeuvrable than it appears and the ball and socket jointed flippers allow it to do everything with their flippers from scratching its face to rubbing its teeth.

The only front teeth are a pair of tusks (incisors). The remaining teeth are all set far back in the jaw. The mouth opens on the underside for easy grazing. The teeth are constantly replaced from the back of the jaw (as in elephants). Strange as it may seem, the closest relatives of these truly aquatic ungulates are the elephants themselves.

Dugongs can live for over fifty years in the wild if they are left unmolested. Unfortunately they have a low reproduction rate with both males and females becoming sexually mature by age nine to ten years. The gestation period for female dugongs lasts for thirteen months before she gives birth to a single calf. It will take another three to five years before the dugong can reproduce again.

An old Hawaiian Legend

Many centuries ago the peoples of Palau, Hawaii believed that if a child was born during a certain phase of the moon it would bring bad luck to the entire tribe if allowed to live and so must be killed. The legend has it that one woman refused to allow her baby to be put to death. When the village men chased her she took her baby and jumped into the water. Folklore says they were both changed into dugongs.

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Down The Iron Road: The Hatfield Derailment of October 2000 (Part 1)

by John D. Blyth

12:23, 17th October, 2000 - It is no pleasure, but I see it as a duty to surmise the events of this day, as British people living or staying in Thailand will have heard little of the accident, or its aftermath; even the Bangkok Post gave it no more than four lines. By now, in British publications, and cutting from newspapers, I must have read some fifty pages on the subject.

On 17th October, the 12:10 train from King’s Cross (London) to Leeds had left on time, and thirteen minutes later it was passing Hatfield, 17.7 miles (28.5 km) at the maximum permitted speed of 115mph (185km/hr) - moments later, only the locomotive and two leading coaches remained on the track, the other eight were derailed, and scattered, mainly over the ‘Down Slow’ line to the left of the ‘Down Fast’ on which the train had been running (see diagram). It appears that the buffet car was the only vehicle to turn on its side, and its roof was sliced off by a mast at the line-side, which carried power lines feeding current to the electric locomotive. Four passengers lost their lives, all of whom were in this vehicle - a low mortality figure for such an event, and a tribute to the design and construction of the ten-year old coaches. So much for the bare facts.

‘Railtrack’

The determination of the ruling Conservative Party to ‘privatise’ the railways before the election in 1977 led to a poorly planned scheme of breaking up the system and selling it off in small packages to the highest bidder - seen by many not only as bad business, but fundamentally flawed. Out of it all there arose a monster called ‘Railtrack’, a company which would own and be responsible for more-or-less anything in the rail system that does not have wheels - track, signalling, stations, tunnels, bridges... you name it. It has also a safety element in that all must be correctly designed and located - thus it had an interest in the events at Hatfield. It also has to approve every type of new train or locomotive before it goes into service, in many cases with a limited scope of activity only. ‘Railtrack’ is a huge organization, based on a black tower block near Euston Station, with a number of satellite offices in provincial centres.

Remarkable that such a key organization should have a chief executive (Gerald Corbett) with no engineering experience, much less any on the railway; he was a financier and had an interest in small businesses. Even more curious is that out of a team of fourteen directors, only two had any railway experience. Corbett was a man of principle, though, and when news of the Hatfield incident came through, he determined that, were ‘Railtrack’ in any way responsible, he would at once offer his resignation. He did so without delay when it became known that a broken rail was almost certainly the cause. ‘Gauge-Corner Cracking’ is the term used for this kind of failure, which usually starts as a hairline crack which gradually enlarges until, for safety, the rail has to be changed. It seems this one had been scheduled for change no less than five months earlier, but it had not been done. Corbett’s resignation was refused as he was seen as indispensable; other pressures, possibly political, prevailed, and in a month he was, in effect, dismissed, turning an honourable departure into on ignominy.

H.M Railway Inspectorate

This once highly respected body of men has a long history; once answerable to the Board of Trade, later the Ministry of Transport, it was always made up from retired officers of the Royal Engineers, men who had railway experience, and the ability to see a long way into a brick wall, to sort evidence and make sense of it, and write reports that even a minister could understand. Reports from those days are a pleasure and a privilege to read. The late conservative government altered all this, deprived them of their unique status, and absorbed them into the Health & Safety Executive (HSE), but retaining their old title, HMRI for short. Some of their responsibility has passed to ‘Railtrack’, but they still take the initiative (except where their new bosses interfere) when there is a major rail accident. So, after the first essentials of getting the passengers to safety and protecting the derailed train had been seen to, it was the HMRI who were early on the scene.

What Followed

It seems to have been plain, although not officially admitted as yet, that the broken rail was the sole cause of the Hatfield derailment; the pattern of the aftermath suggested that the locomotive and two leading coaches had passed over safely, and the rail had disintegrated under the third. It is not clear why the buffet car alone did not remain upright; had it done so four lives might have been saved. But all-in-all a pretty straightforward case; now to clear up... Not so!

Probably on orders from their masters, HSE, the HMRI then started a detailed examination of each coach, and the upright locomotive, as all of them stood; at some stage the British Transport Police got in on the act, and no one but those of these two bodies was allowed anywhere near. This investigation took two weeks, no less, and even then all the coaches and locomotives were ordered to be taken to Crewe for further examination; the buffet car had to be moved in a specially-made ‘cage’, as the HMRI wanted it at Crewe in on piece, not possible as it lay.

Meantime, ‘Railtrack were getting up to some tricks too!

Continued next week...

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Social Commentary by Khai Khem

Expat Living - A Badge of Courage

Ever wonder how the “other half” lives? I mean the other half of the Expat couple posted here in the kingdom: the housewife. Perhaps she deserves our understanding and some sympathy. You see, she works harder at keeping herself busy than most people who actually work at a proper job.

Most of these ladies follow their husbands from country to country, while he follows his chosen career. She stands mute at cocktail parties while people ask him what he does for a living, which company he works for. No one asks an Expat wife what she does. She is obviously one of the ladies who “lunch”. Or she plays tennis at the club, or shops all day, or lords it over the army of servants who slave away in the mansion she calls her humble abode, which her husband’s company pays for. And occasionally she gives her chauffeur a good thump when he misses the turning at her favorite boutique.

We have to forgive these long suffering women if they seem a little lost when they first arrive. You see, they grew up in “First World’ countries. They automatically presumed every family had at least two cars, one dog, a pool table in their recreation room, and a garbage disposal unit under their kitchen sink. It will take a while before they come to learn that most people in the developing world have no shelter of any description, the kitchen is a place where the locals are likely to cook and eat the dog, and in some cultures, there is no word in the language to express the concept of recreation.

Some developing countries are listed as “hardship” posts. Being posted in a hardship area may bring the family special perks and increased salaries to tempt the people involved to tweak their sense of adventure, pack up, ship out, and try their hand at living in one of those exotic lands the travel magazines write about. Sometimes they get a short orientation course before they leave. Usually it is given by some shmuck in the head office who hasn’t travelled any further than to his favorite fishing lake 50 miles from his suburban home. On occasion, the family might be lucky enough to get some real information on where they will be living. Rarely does the reality match up with the fantasy.

The term hardship post is one of those phrases which is totally subjective. Certainly the transfer of space-age technology to the villages of the Hunza Valley, or the Korakoran Mountains would represent a hardship to the middle-level engineer who has visions of using his post as a means of advancement up the corporate ladder. On the other hand, two years in Paris for the tongue-tied American family who has never spoken a word more foreign than “spaghetti” or “taco” might be an experience guaranteed to turn them all into clock-tower snipers in less than a month. One man’s meat can always turn out to be another man’s poison, and it’s pretty hard to predict the chemical outcome until the dish has been digested.

I don’t really know if Thailand is considered a hardship post anymore. But I can imagine that most newcomers may find the whole system here rather overwhelming on arrival. Thailand is one of those places in the world where (even for us “old hands”) just when you think you have finally got it right, what ever it may be, IT pulls a doppleganger on you and changes shape before your very eyes; or behind your back, depending on ITS mood.

Unless the Expat wife has a few former overseas postings under her belt, where domestic help is the norm, this little adjustment to the family dwelling could put a crimp in her style, more wrinkles on her face than the tropical sun, and send her running to the shrink’s couch for a bit of a lie down.

Most people in Western countries would kill for a maid and a chauffeur, and think that Expat families over here who have at least one of each and a gardener to boot are living straight out of scenes from the TV series “Lives of the Rich and Famous”. Not necessarily so, Folks! There is something called the breaking in period to deal with first, which can be as traumatic as an earthquake for the uninitiated. Each family has its own way of doing things, so Thai maids need training. Even then, you will find they have minds of their own. If your motto is “a place for everything and everything in its place”, you had better be prepared for new arrangements of kitchen equipment and household furniture. And all the picture hangings on the walls apparently look better to Thais if they hang at 45 degree angles.

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The Computer Doctor

by Richard Bunch

From Sean Jehan, Jersey, CI: My friend’s wife wants to e-mail her friend in Germany, also she uses my PC. Would she need Thai Windows or something to see Thai writing on the screen? I would also like to obtain a Thai/English and Thai/German keyboard, are these available? The reason for this is I have to e-mail in English for her using AOL. Is Dragon Naturally Speaking available in a Thai version? I will be visiting Pattaya in March.

Computer Doctor replies: There are many questions here, taking the easy one to begin with, Thai/English keyboards are readily available in Thailand; they use the US keyboard layout. I have never seen a Thai/German keyboard though, but suggest you can use the standard German keyboard and attach stickers with the Thai characters; once again the keyboard stickers are available here. A Thai language version of Dragon Naturally Speaking is presently not available. With regards to the need to have Thai Windows or some other software to be able to type and read Thai, this rather depends on the version of Windows. The scenarios are: with Windows 95 and 98 a Thai/English version is required or you may elect to use a software switch which will work on the English platform, although this will allow you to read and type Thai it does not use a traditional format and therefore it is possible that work produced in Thai on your PC and elsewhere could be incompatible and of course visa versa. With Windows Millennium (ME) and Windows 2000, the English language version fully supports many languages, including Thai. The former requires the current upgrade available through the Windows Update option in order to support Thai. Realistically, providing your hardware meets the minimum requirements to install Windows ME or Windows 2000, these would be the preferred choice.

From Steven Montgomery, CA: I am married to a Thai and was recently in Thailand visiting relatives when I purchased the Thai/English version of ME as I wanted to upgrade from Windows 98, also Thai/English version. However, although I took the opportunity to do a clean install, something rather odd has occurred, whereby the extended ANSII characters that I used under Windows 98 have a different keystroke under ME. Any ideas?

Computer Doctor replies: Actually this is the second time this week that this question has been posed and to the best of my knowledge there is no way of standardizing this, although you could always use keyboard mapping. However, as these are supposed to conform to the ANSII standard, I assume this is something Microsoft will address.

Send your questions or comments to the Pattaya Mail at 370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, 20260 or Fax to 038 427 596 or E-mail to [email protected]. The views and comments expressed within this column are not necessarily those of the writer or Pattaya Mail Publishing.

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Sea Worlds : Open Ocean

by Apichart Panyadee

Colours of camouflage

Among the larger animals of the open sea, birds, tuna, sharks, rays, dolphins, and whales, the camouflage colours almost make a uniform. These creatures are counter-shaded. The top half is dark, the bottom half is pale. Seen from above, the creature blends in with the fathomless blue beneath it. Seen from below, it blends in with the bright sky above. Among the minuscule animals of the plankton, crabs, krill, larval fish, and jellyfish, the strategy is different. Most of these tiny drifters are translucent or transparent. They achieve invisibility by reflecting nothing. When invisibility fails them they take refuge in numbers. Prey fish confuse their prey by forcing the predator to choose among a multitude of possibilities. Still another defence in the open ocean is speed. The upper layer of the open sea where light does penetrate contains the realm of the ocean’s fastest sprinters.

The Drifters

The most streamlined of bodies in water (or air) are fusiform; spindle shaped, and tapering at either end. The uppermost ocean is dominated by the fusiform fish. To penetrate this last place of refuse means the predators must be a super-fish. The tuna for example, is amongst the roundest in cross-section, and thus closest in design to an aircraft fuselage. Tuna are built like silvery bombs. Rotund at the midpoint, they taper, needle-like to the tail stalk. Their rigid tail fins are capable of 15 beats per second. Bluefin tuna have been clocked at 40 knots.

Oases in the desert

In the desert of the open ocean, there are oases. Gulfweed or sargassum make such a place. Clumps of weed support varied life in the still, warm, salty, nutrient poor waters of the Atlantic’s Sargasso Sea. Without the weed’s small floating islands of golden brown vegetation, the Sargasso would be among the most barren seas on earth.

The Albatross

Sargassum is an alga. Its small amber floatation bladders reminded the Portuguese sailors of sargaco, little grapes from home, and thus the floating weed gained its name. It belongs to the open sea and spends its whole existence there. The little animals which dwell in the weed take on the same hues of the sargassum. They adopt its shapes and colours and seldom risk the swim from one clump to another, but stay nestled in its safety their whole lives. Little crabs and pipefish undulate in the leafy protrusions. They breed and feed and secure protection from predators. Sargassum grows by partitioning. Whatever colonies are living amongst it when it breaks free, stay with the new clump.

If gulfweed makes one oases, the clear water leeward of the Hawaiian Islands makes another. Offshore from large oceanic islands, upswelling traps nutrients and organic matter where plankton can make use of them. For days one can sail on the open water and see nothing. And then one day the sea gives up her mysteries and one can watch with delight the beaked whale or five different species of dolphin which swim here. A sperm whale passes by, surges steep water and blows into the air.

The open ocean seems trackless to the eye, but in fact, it is all criss-crossed with highways. The lanes and mileposts are geomagnetic, olfactory, acoustic and celestial. And the migratory traffic they handle is vast.

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Secrets of The Hand : The Health Line

by Anchalee

The Line of Health has been variously described as the Line of Mercury. It starts from the mount of the moon on the heel of the palm, and rises upward to the Mount of the Moon, which we call the little finger. This line needs a master palmist to interpret and co-ordinate with the Head and Life Lines. However, it is not as easily misinterpreted as the Fate Line.

The Health Line acts as an instrument recording the operation of the liver and other organs. The reading of this line enables palmists to find out the various, maladies both mental and physical. When studying the Health Line, it is best to study the lines of Life and Head as well. Head and Life Lines represent the brain and life force. A good combination of these has a dominant influence of the life of the subject.

As far as the health of an individual is concerned, the indication of the Line of Health may differ according to various types. The reading of the Health Line shows the state of health of the person. For example, a Health Line which is shallow and broad, and runs to the mount of the forefinger will predispose the owner of this hand to overeating and digestive problems, and possibly liver problems. If it is deep and well traced, the owner should enjoy normal health.

The character of the Health Line shows whether the health is good or bad. If the line is deep, it reveals excellent digestion, vitality, strong constitution, good memory, clear thinking and healthy functions of the liver and kidneys. This line will add strength (or weakness) to any other major lines it rises toward or intersects. A poorly traced Health Line, intersecting with Head or Life Lines, will have a negative impact on these lines as well.

If the line is broken and intermittent, this will indicate several bouts of poor health during those periods. A bad Health Line or a weak one which rises to or intersects with special markings will predict certain mental problems and even insanity. Chains of tiny circles on a Health Line implies loss of mental stability and nervous breakdowns.

If a well marked Health Line is accompanied by strong, well defined Head, Heart, and Life Lines, the person who possesses such a hand is immune to sickness and disease. People with these lines on their hands will enjoy robust health, vitality and passion.

This concludes the series of articles on the concept of palmistry. Although we have covered only the more basic points on this most complicated and riveting subject, it is hoped that readers have had a glimpse into an ancient art which has endured through the ages.

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Forgotten Classics : King Crimson - Cirkus

by Mott the Dog
e-mail: [email protected]

The young person’s guide to King Crimson Live

***** 5 Star Rating

For those of you that need an introduction to the world of King Crimson, here is a perfect place to start. For those of you familiar with Robert Fripp and his many assorted cohorts, this has everything you could possibly want from the live beast that is King Crimson. The years from 1969-1996 are covered, spread over 8 different line-ups, all seamlessly put together to sound like one 2 1/2 hour concert.

One of progressive rock’s founding bands, King Crimson pioneered the use of extended song format with many instruments not often used in the standard rock format: mellotron, violin, clarinet, oboe, bass stick, touch guitar, etc. King Crimson said it was alright to create music that didn’t have an instantly hummable melody. This made them sometimes difficult to listen to, but a little patience will reveal many musical pleasures.

The great thing about listening to King Crimson live is that they strike a perfect balance between tightly written, well-structured songs and improvisational looseness. It is a marriage made in heaven, introducing an element of danger that is a true test of musicianship.

Every King Crimson classic is here, but the closing of disc two with the absurdly titled “Larks Tongue In Aspic” (part two, naturally) by the 1996 Double Trio King Crimson of Robert Fripp, Adrian Below, Trey Gunn, Tony Levon, Pat Mastelotto & Bill Bruford, followed by “Starless” from 1974 with John Wetton, David Cross, plus the ever present Robert Fripp & Bill Bruford is simply jaw dropping.

It all comes in a nice little 2 CD Digi-Pak with informative liner notes and a brightly coloured booklet with a full Crimson family tree, and lots of pictures to look at of all the different line-ups over the years. Give the dog a bone, what more could you want?

Track Listing

Disc One
Neon Heat Disease 1984-1998
Disc Two
Fractured 1969-1996

1. Dinosaur
2. Thela Hun Ginjeet
3. Red
4. B’Boom
5. Thrak
6. 1 ii 2
7. Neurotica
8. Indiscipline
9. VROOOM VROOOM
10. Coda: Marine 475
11. Deception Of The Thrush
12. Heavy Construkction
13. Three Of A Perfect Pair
14. Sleepless
15. Elephant Talk

1. 21st Century Schizoid Man
2. Ladies Of The Road
3. A Man A City
4. In The Court Of The Crimson King
5. Fracture
6. Easy Money
7. Improv: Besancon
8. The Talking Drum
9. Larks’ Tongues In Aspic (Part II)
10. Starless
11. Deception Of The Thrush
12. Heavy Construkction
13. Three Of A Perfect Pair
14. Sleepless
15. Elephant Talk

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Shaman’s Rattle: Clearing Clutter

by Marion

What is clutter? It is stuck energy. It is the papers that mysteriously breed when you are not watching. It is excess baggage that weighs you down. It is a mouldy collection of junk in the “store room”, under the stairs or in the dark recess of cupboards or for the truly obsessional stashaholics, “stuff and things” behind doors and under the beds, in cartons and sheds.

The word clutter comes from the old English word “Clotter” or coagulate - a marvellous picture of the effect of clutter. Why do we do accumulate, hoard and keep our homes and offices in messy, untidy, disorganized clutter? There are as many reasons as there are excuses for refusing to look at them, says Karen Kingston, in her brilliant book, “Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui”, (IBSN 0-7499-1824-1). Myriad’s of psychological reasons that all reflect a lack of trust in the Universe and flawed thinking, from Poverty Consciousness, Security, Just in Case, Miserliness, Status, Territorialism, Control, Identity Issues and Suppressing Emotions. The one that motivates me is control issues from childhood that I never really appreciated before. Now I am really grateful that I’ve been given a sudden insight into the absurdity of living my life by old passive resistant ploys. This may be an appropriate self-protection device as a child but is no longer valid when my controlling elders have long since gone to their final resting place. Whatever excellent excuse you entertain for holding on to clutter or living in chaos is just that, an excuse, and one that drags you down.

Make a sacred space for yourself. Surround yourself with calm and serenity and order. Spend time on uplifting, relaxing activities rather those anxious hours of futile searches for the vital telephone number, important list, address, keys, wallet, glasses or diaries! Conquer outworn habits and devices. Make time for your life. Spend it having fun, not in a flat spin, panic, or feral mess.

One word of warning - this is something to do for yourself personally. Even and especially if you live with others, never, ever, ever, clear up the clutter of others, even your children! People have emotional attachments to clutter, yes children do have security issues too, and it is up to each to address their own clutter. At least now I know my boxes of UFAWs (unfinished art works) are a secret rebellion, but it is going to be ME who decides when to let go of my security blanket.

Shifting house is the best. Spend ten years in a house and it is frightening what you can accumulate. It needs an industrial skiff and then a garage sale to clear the discarded junk, but oh! what a difference, how light and free and positive and sparkling you feel. Suddenly you have more energy, actually want to bounce out of bed in the mornings.

Once I had 30 large unopened boxes of things from the last move stored in the garage for nine years! Can you imagine how lousy I felt every time I thought about them for nine years? Can you believe how relieved and recharged I felt when I had to sort and get rid of all these in addition to 80% of my other “possessions” when we moved country. It is just so emotionally freeing, it is like being given another chance.

Before sorting, ask yourself these three key questions. 1. Do I absolutely love it? 2. Does it inspire me or lift my energy every time I look at it? And 3. Does it work? Make three large boxes - Give away, Throw away, and Repair. Make a definite deadline for repairs. Throw away anything you have not repaired, worn or used for the last six months.

The main thing is to attack it all at your own pace, trust the Universe and make space to allow other positive things to come into your life. “I COULD sort one box of UFAW tomorrow, O.K. I will.” Enjoy.

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Women’s World : Within our grasp?

by Lesley Warner

Adela Breton, there she is, one of a vanished breed of tough Englishwomen, dressed neatly in the full Edwardian regalia of the day, every hair in place, and spine straight as an arrow! All this in the tropical heat and humidity of the Yucatan. She sits riding sidesaddle, every inch the total English lady, for she described women who rode astride as “a sight to make gods and men weep.”

Adela Breton

Don’t let her appearance fool you - this is Adela Breton, and she was as tough as an old boot. Tougher, actually, as old boots tend to fall apart under stress, and this woman NEVER permitted that to happen. Her male contemporaries variously described her as “a nuisance”, “a tartar”, “eccentric”, and “English to the bone”, yet none denied the value of her work.

Miss Breton (somehow, she doesn’t appear to be the sort of woman that you would call “Addie”) went to Chichen Itza in 1900, after the death of her father left her with the freedom and finances to do so, and proceeded to paint beautiful and painstakingly exact recordings of the frescoes and painted sculpture. Today, Mayan scholars are very grateful that she did this, as many of the once brilliant colors have faded, and some of the buildings are now gone.

The Mayan’s, one of the greatest civilizations the world has ever known, began on the American continent, and lasted for more than 2,000 years. This was the Kingdom of the Maya, whose mathematics, art, religious beliefs, architecture and political organisation rivaled that of ancient Egypt. Until recently, most of the secrets of their civilization were hidden by the mists of time. But now, through modern archaeological research, the riddle of Mayan glyphs is being solved. Now we have access to their ancient wisdom in ways that can help us with the problems of today. They claimed to have found the answer to eternal youth. (One does wonder where they all are if this is so!)

Mayan art and glyphs have revealed the importance of the idea of eternal life, and using herbs and oils to preserve their physical bodies from aging. Then, as now, beauty was highly prized, especially among the Mayan royalty. The qualities of youth and beauty were regarded as a fitting gift for their gods. The secrets of beauty and the prevention of aging were jealously guarded by the royal family. When the ancient ones put together various herbal and plant combinations, they did not have modern science to tell them how it worked. The Mayan Royalty just saw the successful results, and passed on the herbal formula from generation to generation.

Adela Breton made 13 trips to Mexico, drew and painted the rapidly deteriorating Mayan ruins, wrote articles and gave papers, worked with the Mayan language, studied and copied old manuscripts, and in general managed to escape from what she called “the gilded cage of English civilization”. She died as she was returning home from a conference in Rio de Janeiro in 1923.

I shall make every effort to find this recipe for eternal youth so that we can all enjoy living in Pattaya forever!

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Nightmarch

Blinked and I missed it: Just in case anyone hasn’t noticed, that nefarious little creature known as High Season seems to have come and gone in a flash. The crowds that were packing Walking Street for night after night seem to have dissipated, although the majority of mid-priced sleeping palaces are still hanging out the ‘Rooms Full’ sign.

During an average evening of perambulation, I might get three ‘handsome man’, four ‘sexy man’ and swags of ‘I go with you’, but come the High Season I’m lucky to get a passing nod from a desperate Beach Road katoey. However, I can confirm the demise of High Season for 2001 as the ‘handsome man’ and ‘sexy man’ exhortations have started once again, even if it is from the staff at the Blind Massage.

It seems to me that the very term High Season is becoming almost mythical, as the boom period gets shorter and shorter. In fact, most of the businesses here in Fun Town are now more reliant upon ex-pats and regular holidaymakers rather than the one-off tourists.

Out of the Rumour Mill: The whisper in some of the darker corners of the street is that Tony’s Entertainment Complex is due to be closed down in February. Why? Well the rumourmongers claim a jealous belief that the playhouse costs a fortune to run and cannot be making any money. I approached the man himself with these rumours and asked a decidedly incisive question: “Is this true?” Tony was surprised by the rumour and answered with a somewhat esoteric, “Not yet”.

Batting for both sides? Construction is well under way for a new daytime beer boozer, nighttime ogling den in Pattayaland Soi 1, just a couple of doors up from the Spicy Girls Too ogling den and the Blue House dine and dash bar. The word on the street is that the name of the new venue is going to be simply, Gulligans. Now, that would probably be quite acceptable in almost any other soi in Pattaya but, in gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1, it doesn’t really seem like such a good idea, as potential patrons might not be quite certain of just what to expect behind the green door. This is one soi where it is pretty important to determine whether you want your customers coming through the back door or the front porch. The set-up is due to open some time in March.

Holidays in Year Zero: The Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh is becoming more and more of a holiday destination and provides a stark contrast to a place like Bangkok. However, as with the City of Angels, there are a lot of people who really don’t know their way around the French-influenced streets and some who don’t feel comfortable in a place that has had a reputation for not being safe to travel around at night. However, the reprobates in charge of the Spicy Girls ogling den have recently begun doing accompanied tours of Pol Pot’s former fiefdom, lasting between two and three days and happening once a month. The guys definitely know their collective way around the place, from the highlights to the lowlights (and the lowlifes probably). They can arrange flights, hotels and transport. If you want to find out more either e-mail Ewan or Martin at [email protected] or take a wander into Spicy Girls between 7:30 and 8:00 p.m. and have a chat with the guy in the K-X1 T-shirt. As it says on the back: ‘If I have to explain...you wouldn’t understand’.

For the Hungry: Ever since the well-known Bangkok noshery-boozer Larry’s Dive opened a branch down along South Pattaya Road they have battled to carve out a niche in the tough Fun Town market. However, they are now beginning to promote their Mexican munchies. Their soft tacos and burritos are first class and Larry’s is slowly building a regular clientele of loyal Mexican aficionados. Given the heavy emphasis on beans (a very healthy but potentially potent ingredient) in Mexican nosh, I would advise people not to stand downwind of anyone who tells you they’ve just munched down at Larry’s.

The other man’s grass is always greener: The Bowling Green (Soi Drarin, off Soi Chaiyapoon and down the road apiece from The Chippy noshery) has had its clubhouse facilities up and running for a few months now and is attracting plenty of interest. However, the main reason for its existence, conducting the game of lawn bowls, has been delayed because the clowns who were hired to lay the playing surface wouldn’t know good grass even if they smoked it. After coughing up a small fortune to the original mob, the Bowling Green bosses were forced to go looking for people who actually knew what they were doing in the grass-growing caper. It looks as though the new team has managed to put things right and it shouldn’t be too long before there are big black balls rolling across a smooth grass surface in the direction of the jack. Watch this space.

My e-mail address is: [email protected]

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Guide to buying a small dog : Welsh Springer Spaniel

Good Points: loyal, willing, fine gun dog, excellent nose, good water dog, makes a good pet.

Take Heed: needs training or could end up becoming a destructive hunter.

The Welsh Springer Spaniel is a lively dog with plenty of enthusiasm and endurance. It is somewhere between the little Cocker Spaniel and the English Springer in stature. It is a tireless breed, and, in common with most spaniels, provided it is given plenty of exercise and a healthy diet, it will live to a ripe old age. Longevity in one’s pet is a great advantage and it is not uncommon for Welsh Springers to live to 15 or 16 years of age if proper health care and diet are maintained.

The breed standard requires a symmetrical, compact, strong dog, with a merry temperament. This is a very active dog, lively and built for endurance. Its quick movements display plenty of push and drive. The Welsh Springer has a happy nature and makes a loyal and loving pet.

Size: Dog up to 48 cm in height at shoulder, and bitch approximately 46 cm.

Exercise: Like most spaniels the Welsh Springer is essentially a working animal and is not ideally suited for apartment life or for owners with insufficient time to take it for lengthy walks. Owners who have a large garden or country house will delight in this breed. Active families with children will find the Welsh Spaniel a merry addition to their lives. This breed is loyal and willing. Early training will show results in obedience. This breed may not be ideal for the elderly unless the owner is especially active and able. If country life includes the occasional hunt or walk in the woods, the Welsh Springer is certainly at home in this environment. Although a small apartment is not suitable, with diligent training, this dog can be accommodated in a house and small garden setting as long as plenty of exercise is allowed.

Origin and History: A dog that would seem to be a forerunner of the Welsh Springer Spaniel is mentioned in the earliest records of Laws of Wales, circa AD 1300, and indeed, it appears that even before that time, a similar white spaniel with red markings had been associated with the region. The Welsh Springer Spaniel is, in fact, very similar to the Brittany Spaniel, and makes a first-class gun dog. Nowadays, this breed has become a popular household pet as well.

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