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Family Money: Melly
Kalissmaat!
By Leslie Wright
’Tis the season to be jolly, etc., and lots of people
will be out and about having fun this ‘Melly Kalissmaat’, as some of
our local friends so cutely call this festive season.
Being Careful
Of course, having fun is the reason most visitors come
to this Land of Smiles, and is the principal motivation of local residents
all the time.
Inevitably in Thailand (as in many other countries at
this time of year) vast quantities of alcohol will be quaffed as an
essential part of the merry-making process. Good for bar owners and liquor
suppliers, but not quite so good for unwary drivers or road-crossing
pedestrians (sober or otherwise).
Overseas visitors especially have to beware of the fact
that in Thailand people drive on the left most of the time; but local
motorcyclists in particular take a pragmatic approach to reaching their
destination by the shortest route, which often involves driving on the
right side of the road, or the wrong way up a one-way street, or
occasionally along the sidewalk.
While these noisome machines may have been designed to
carry only two people, it is not uncommon in Thailand to see three or more
people nestled on them, often with an infant perched on the petrol tank
(without a crash helmet, of course), and one or more of the passengers
carrying large shopping bags strategically positioned to bash the shins of
any unwary pedestrians attempting to cross the road in their vicinity.
Clipping a farang in this manner is always a source of great hilarity to
the offending parties as they proceed on their way. Or if they fall off as
a result of hitting you, they will inevitably blame you for the accident
(since you shouldn’t have been in their way, should you?).
Just to add insult to your injury, your righteously
indignant protests will fall on smiling faces with deaf ears, because the
way the law is usually interpreted here will result in the poor local
driver not being held responsible let alone accountable for the accident
(assuming he hasn’t already fled the scene, as most do given the
chance); the motorcycle may not have been properly registered and hence
not insured; and the driver certainly won’t have any money to pay for
your hospital expenses, let alone compensation for your injuries. Indeed,
you may well find yourself forced not only to pay your own hospital bills,
but those of any locals involved - and maybe compensate them (and of
course their families) for their being unable to work as a result of their
injuries, and any damage to the motorcycle as well!
Perhaps that’s one reason why many locals at this
time of year go around merrily humming, “Santa Claus is coming to
town!”
Dangers of shopping
Christmas in Thailand, like most traditional festivals
everywhere, has become big business. For many resident entrepreneurs,
it’s the ‘high season’ - the period when they hope to make
sufficient income from the annual influx of visitors to keep them going
the rest of the year.
At night, enterprising vendors set up stalls all along
the sidewalks of the most popular tourist areas. Since these opportunities
for tourists to buy fake watches, fake designer sunglasses, fake designer
clothing, and a wide variety of tacky souvenirs invariably take up the
whole width of the sidewalk, pedestrians are forced to walk in the road.
Here you will be at risk not only from the maniacal
local drivers but also from young tourists who have rented high-powered
motorbikes to show their newly-rented girlfriends how much testosterone
they have, as evidenced by their ability to roar along Beach Road or
Number Two Road at 100 kph.
As touched upon earlier, remember that more alcohol
than normal is consumed at this time of year by more people out to have
fun, who then wend (or wind) their way home (or elsewhere for more sanuk),
all too often using their own means of transport - cars meandering down
the middle of the road, the drivers totally oblivious to what’s
happening around them (although that is a daily phenomenon, not just at
Christmastime), motorcycles weaving in and out of traffic with a whole
party on board, only the headlight working, and the mirrors positioned so
the driver can see the pretty girls sitting behind him (but never mind
anyone else on the road), and there you are, happily wandering along,
looking at the assorted goods on display in the vendors’ stalls or
ubiquitous open-air beer bars, and perhaps somewhat less observant of the
vehicle being driven by someone who might be less than totally sober that
is about to knock you into oblivion.
It is also worth noting that pickpockets are to be
found in every city on earth, and Pattaya is no exception. Wandering
around with a wallet full of cash is simply putting temptation in their
path. If you go out on the town wearing flashy jewellery, you are
similarly inviting trouble.
Despite what you might have read elsewhere, dress down
rather than up. And carry only the amount of cash you will need for that
outing; keep the rest in your hotel safety deposit box.
Traditions of Christmas
Traditionally at this time of good cheer, we tend to
think especially of friends and family.
Christmas for many is a time of family reunions, giving
and receiving presents, renewing acquaintance with friends and relatives
in distant lands who send us Christmas cards even though we may not hear
from them the rest of the year.
But fun was had and gifts were exchanged at this time
of year long before ‘Christmas’ became the name for it. All the old
pagan religions celebrated the passing of the shortest day and the
‘rebirth’ of the year in this mid-winter festival.
For instance, in the days of Imperial Rome, their
biggest festival of the year was the Saturnalia, and a good excuse for
them to let their hair down and have an especially fun time, wining and
dining for several days following the winter solstice.
An important part of that festival was going to the
local temple (where indeed much of the frivolity occurred), and exchanging
gifts with family, friends, and important people of influence.
Of course, all the pagan temples made a lot of money
out of these festivals, as did the shopkeepers and suppliers of food and
drink.
Then, when Christianity became the official religion
under Constantine the Great in the 4th century AD, the shrewd Church
fathers pragmatically adopted this festival for their own (as they
similarly did for the spring festival, which Christians now call Easter,
interestingly a corruption of ‘Ishtar’, the name of the Babylonian
earth goddess and wife of Baal), thereby ensuring the people still had
their traditional fun and entertainment, only under a new guise. This kept
everyone happy (including the shopkeepers and suppliers of food and
drink), and ensured worshippers’ contributions continued to flow into
the newly-renamed temples...as they still do.
The real Santa Claus
Santa Claus (an American contraction of the Dutch Sint
Nikolaas or Sinter Klaas), was a real Catholic bishop of the early
Christian church in Lycia, Anatolia (on the Mediterranean coast of
modern-day eastern Turkey), but he was not taken to slipping down chimneys
after dark, nor driving a sleigh pulled by reindeer (which only come from
Lapland, so Santa Claus and his team of elfin helpers have been moved in
the modern-day myth from where he really lived closer to where the
reindeer really live - although none live either in Turkey or at the North
Pole, as far as I know. And please don’t ask me about reindeer with
shiny red noses, although quite a few farangs in Pattaya have these, so
maybe they know...)
Interestingly, St. Nicholas’ reputation for
generosity and compassion has nothing whatever to do with Christmas, but
derives from the legend that he saved the three daughters of a poor man
from a life of prostitution. (Which many good-hearted farangs still
attempt in modern-day Thailand.)
The bishop is said to have tossed a bag of gold through
the family’s window on three separate occasions, thus providing a dowry
to procure for each daughter an honourable marriage. (The legend
unfortunately doesn’t tell us if these marriages actually took place, or
whether the father simply used the money to get drunk or pay off his debts
- as still happens in similar circumstances in some parts of modern-day
Thailand.)
Anyway, this legend provides the foundation for the
custom, still followed in many countries, of giving gifts on the saint’s
feast day - which by the way is December 6th, not Christmas Eve as many
believe.
His association with bringing presents to good children
and switches to naughty ones (the broom type of switch, that is - although
many of us wish such kids were provided with the other type that turn off)
is in fact a Dutch tradition, brought to America by the early settlers of
New Amsterdam. The traditional red ermine-trimmed suit and cap similarly
derives from the robes & mitre of Dutch bishops.
In fact, St Nicholas became associated with Christmas
only in the 19th century (largely as a result of the popular stories of
Washington Irving, the cartoons of Thomas Nast, and a famous poem by
Clement Moore), but has since developed into a purely secular figure known
worldwide.
Joy to the world
So there’s a long tradition of euphoria and
gift-giving at this time of year, which has little to do with Christian
generosity.
However, if you’re turned off by the crass
materialism found everywhere at this time of year, and bemoan the seeming
loss of the spirit of goodwill, we all have the capacity to keep that
spirit alive, and do something positive about it this Christmas.
Let us therefore spare a thought for those less
fortunate than ourselves. For those who don’t have families or close
friends with whom to share this festival. For those who have to work to
make our holidays more enjoyable. Let us all show a generous spirit of
goodwill in some small way, even if it’s only a genuinely-meant “thank
you” delivered with a smile to the person who serves you your
traditional Christmas dinner.
May I therefore take this opportunity to thank the
regular readers of this column most sincerely for your encouragement and
support during this past year, especially those who have sent in such
interesting comments and enquiries.
May your Christmas holiday be safe and joyful, and your
New Year peaceful and prosperous.
If you have any comments or queries on this article, or
about other topics concerning investment matters, contact Leslie Wright
directly by fax on (038) 232522 or e-mail [email protected].
Further details and back articles can be accessed on his firm’s website
on www.westminsterthailand.com.
Editor’s note: Leslie sometimes receives e-mails to
which he is unable to respond due to the sender’s automatic return
address being incorrect. If you have sent him an e-mail to which you have
not received a reply, this may be why. To ensure his prompt response to
your enquiry, please include your complete return e-mail address, or a
contact phone/fax number.
Leslie Wright is Managing Director of Westminster Portfolio Services
(Thailand) Ltd., a firm of independent financial advisors providing advice
to expatriate residents of the Eastern Seaboard on personal financial
planning and international investments.
The Computer Doctor
by Richard Bunch
From Caroline Clynes, Wimbledon:
I remember when I was living in Pattaya I read something in your column
about PC cameras for video-conferencing. The exact date escapes me but I
guess it was at least six months ago, maybe more. I have tried to find it on
the Pattaya Mail website, but unfortunately have not been successful. Now I
am back in England, I would like to get myself set-up in time for Christmas.
I know it is probably not really long enough to buy the equipment and get
familiar with it, but I’ll give it my best shot. My brother has a Kodak
camera, which he purchased in the States. He is pleased with it but I
didn’t think it was a Kodak that you recommended in your column. Can you
refresh my memory or give me your updated thoughts please.
Computer Doctor replies: As you rightly say I did
write an article on video-conferencing and cameras some time ago. I think
you’ll find it is nearer a year though. To a certain extent the type of
camera you buy is governed by the available ports in your PC. Older PC’s
do not have USB ports and therefore require a card, normally PCI to be
inserted in a free slot within the PC, the camera then connects to this. For
newer PC’s the best solution is to purchase a USB camera, these are by far
the easiest to set-up and configure. My personal choice would be a Creative
WebCam 3 which represents excellent value for money. I imagine this will be
readily available in the UK in the likes of PC World, etc.
From Jack Deale: I have an annoying problem with my
computer, which runs Windows 98. It works fine most of the time but
sometimes when I ask it to Shutdown the screen that says ‘Shutting Down,
Please Wait’ just sits there, even if I let it alone for 30 minutes it
doesn’t budge and I end up switching the power off which I am sure cannot
be good for it. This is as I say an intermittent problem and of course when
it restarts it takes a lot longer than normal as it performs Scandisk. Also,
when it comes up, all my icons on the Start Menu have changed to a big size
and the Task bar doesn’t auto hide so I have to reset it. Any suggestions
would be greatly appreciated.
Computer Doctor replies: This is in fact a recognised
problem in Windows 98, so you are not alone and Microsoft has a patch
available on their website. Probably the best way to update your system is
to run the Update Wizard which is normally located on the Start Menu, if it
isn’t there then use Find to locate the file named winupd.exe which should
be in the Windows directory. This will connect you to the Internet via your
usual ISP and after checking your system out will advise you of ALL the
updates available for your revision of Windows. Choose those that are
appropriate and follow the on screen instructions. With the Year 2000
looming, it is probably not a bad idea to check the update anyway,
regardless of whether your system is displaying any problems.
Send your questions or comments to the Pattaya Mail at
370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, 20260 or Fax to 038 427 596 or
E-mail to [email protected].
Richard Bunch is Managing Director of Action Computer Technologie.
Successfully Yours: Sean
Panton
by Mirin MacCartthy
Sean Panton is the manager of the luxurious Royal
Garden Spa and Fitness Club and their Tennis Director. He is so
enthusiastic he is almost unique.
Sean is truly a man of the world, having been born in
Malawi in Central East Africa where his father was a game warden. However,
he lived in thirteen countries by the age of five. The African continent
for seven years, then back to the U.K for a couple of years, then to the
Middle East for another seven. A well traveled young man!
 Tennis
has played a pivotal role for him and he has been to the top. Coincidental
perhaps that his parents came from Wimbledon in the U.K. “You can see
the courts from our family home,” he grinned.
Although his father was a good tennis player he never
forced Sean to play. “I never picked up a racket till I was eleven. One
day I just hit a few balls around and I seemed to have a natural ability.
Dad wouldn’t teach me, but sent me to Peter Burwash International
training camps in Hawaii and Texas. Well the training took, I became the
national adult tennis champion in Bahrain by the age of fourteen. By
amazing co-incidence I am working for Peter Burwash International (P.B.I.)
now,” he said, as an aside.
At age sixteen he was given a scholarship to the
National Tennis Centre in the U.K. and stayed three months before
transferring to a scholarship in America. He spent the next two years
training every day with top players like Andre Agassi, Monica Seles and
Jim Courier, then he turned pro. It wasn’t all sunny skies and tennis
balls though for Sean - he had a serious accident water skiing. After
smashing his shoulder and fracturing his ribs and pelvis, he left the pro
circuit and gave up the scholarship.
Was he devastated by this? No, Sean was already a
positive person. “It was the best thing that could ever have happened to
me. The pro circuit is 100% money orientated, all take and no give.”
After various jobs in the U.K. including a stint as an
account manager for an advertising agency (which he loathed), tennis
called again. Sean had the chance to go to Canada to run a tennis camp for
300 kids. “It was great fun travelling around the country with the kids,
I loved the teaching. It was just a chance to give something back. I
decided I wanted to travel and teach and have a positive impact in
people’s lives.”
Sean had an interview with Peter Burwash International,
his current employers, who advised him to take diplomas in business
management and sports science, which he did over the next two years.
However, in 1993 Sean’s life changed irrevocably when
he went for a holiday to Koh Pang Ngan. He met his future wife Hannah.
“I just felt so connected the moment I saw her and we hadn’t even
spoken. I felt tingling all over and thought, ‘Wow what is going on
here?’ My whole life changed! Hannah is a catalyst. It keeps getting
better and better every day since. She is the light of my life, I am a
very lucky man.”
This man for all countries was then offered his first
job in Macao by P.B.I. He asked Hannah to join him and they have been
together ever since. “It was an experience,” Sean said. “There were
four courts, 1,500 members, 300 juniors and I organized wheel chair tennis
and tournaments. I traveled to Japan and Thailand, in fact the first time
I saw Pattaya was 6 years ago with the Chinese tennis team.”
Not resting on his laurels, Sean won Rookie of the year
for P.B.I. that year, and Professional of the year last year. “I was the
youngest recipient and first Englishman, which pleased my Dad no end.”
From Macau, Sean was sent to the Regent of Chiang Mai
and helped develop the spa and fitness club there. However, he took some
time off to be married in a romantic ceremony in a Thai temple.
The owner of the Regent, Bill Heinecke, who also owns
the Royal Garden, then decided to send him here. And here he is, jumping
around, large as life and twice as lively!
The most important personal characteristics for Sean
are appreciation and humility. “I don’t like people who are egoists or
who always complain.”
Success to Sean is helping as many people as he can in
positive ways, through tennis or fitness or smiles. “Smiles are free.
That is one of the reasons I left the U.K. If you smiled at anyone on the
tube, people would look at you as though you were an alien.”
Sean’s advice to anyone who wants to follow the hard
road of a sports professional. “Be true to yourself, don’t listen to
others’ opinions. Follow your heart, don’t force things to happen.
Listen to your angels or guides, if things are going wrong it is because
you are not supposed to be doing it. Try to stay humble and appreciate
life. My favourite saying is, ‘Always appreciate, never expect,’ that
it how I live my life really.”
Ask what country he likes best and why, his eyes sparkle. “Thailand!
It is just magical. I love the Thai way of smiling and non-aggression and
always looking on the bright side of things.” Just like Sean, no wonder
he fits in so well!
Snap Shots: Professional
cameras
by Harry Flashman
A “professional” camera is quite different from an
“amateur” one. Results that are acceptable in the amateur arena are often
totally rejected in the world of the pro. So let us look at some of the
cameras Harry has used in that world of the professional commercial
photographer.
The most usual cameras in the bag of the pro are ones that
take much larger film than the 35 mm commonly used in everyday photography.
The reason is simple. Amateur photographs get blown up to 10x8 at most while
the pro pix can be blown up to the size of a billboard. Any imperfections or
“softness” in the original will get magnified enormously with that degree
of enlargement, so it is much better to start with a larger image to begin
with. Common sizes in the pro world are 6x6 cms or 6x7 cms.
 This
size is called “medium format” and medium format cameras include brands as
Pentax, Bronica, Mamiya and Hasselblad. Use of any of these pro cameras is a
matter of personal choice, but for the pro, he or she is buying not just a
camera, but what is called a “system”. This includes a very large range of
lenses and accessories, including interchangeable camera backs as well as
hoods and extension tubes.
Interchangeable backs are fantastic. Having set up the
photograph, the pro will attach a Polaroid back and shoot one frame. 60
seconds later that shot is checked for correct exposure, placement of items in
the shot and any other details such as brand names showing correctly. Any
adjustment means another Polaroid check, then when everything is correct the
first loaded film back is attached. Depending on the end use, the pro will
probably shoot some print film, some slide film and some B&W film - so
three backs are needed as well as the Polaroid, for every medium format
camera. If this sounds expensive - it is! Especially when you have to have two
of them - just to be sure! Anything can fail, but the pro has to come home
with the photographs!
Harry’s favourite medium format was the Hasselblad, great
cameras, but on the down side, very heavy and bulky and when taken on location
you needed a pack horse to carry the cameras and the attendant system.
After the medium format comes, you guessed it, Large
format. These cameras have huge film sizes. The smaller ones begin at 5x4
inches and go up to 10x8 inches. Imagine a negative that is already 10x8. This
gives you a 10x8 photograph with no enlargement necessary. These very large
cameras have very large and expensive lenses and use film holders with one
sheet of film at a time, loaded in the darkroom. Again you need a Polaroid
back to check everything before shooting. These cameras are also called
“mono rails” because the lenses and the backs are mounted on a single rail
and focussing is done by moving them forwards and backwards. Best known names
here are Sinar (expensive) and Cambo (less expensive, but still not cheap).
The third camera in the professionals bag is the 35 mm. The
small film size is offset by the advantage of size and light weight. For
photojournalism, this small format is the one of choice. And the cameras the
pro’s use - Nikon F5 or Canon EOS 1N RS are the current top two, but if you
ever look at a gaggle of pro shooters those are the only two brands you will
see. These also come with full “systems” with lenses ranging from 6 mm to
800 mm, some of which can cost four times the cost of the camera!
So you should pity the pro’s. They may get to use the best gear - but it
certainly does not come cheap!
Modern Medicine: Multiple
Sclerosis
by Dr Iain Corness
Most of us have met someone with Multiple Sclerosis,
usually known by just the initials MS. It is actually the commonest form
of progressive neurological problems in the world.
One of the more interesting aspects of this disease is
that it is almost predominantly in Caucasian races and particularly
Northern European. There are some major antigens carried by these people
which are thought to play a part in the formation of MS.
The other factor is latitude. The closer you get to the
equator, the lower the incidence of MS. This change can be quite marked.
For example, in tropical Queensland in Australia the incidence is around
11 per 100,000 head of population, but in colder Tasmania it is up to 76
per 100,000.
Another peculiarity is that women outnumber men 2:1.
Finally, there is a 10% chance of getting MS if you have an affected
relative.
What appears to happen in MS is that an immune reaction
sets up in the body in which, in simple terms, means that the body attacks
its own central nervous system, reducing the “insulating material”
(myelin) around the nerves. This in turn leads to malfunctions of the
body. Typical symptoms involve vision, weakness of the limbs, numbness,
difficulty with balance and giddiness.
Another feature of MS is that most sufferers have
classic relapses and remissions, though a small percentage just show
progressive weakness. My own feeling (and remember, I am not a
neurologist) is that the body attempts to rebuild its own myelin, thus
producing a remission, but then something initiates the immune reaction
again and some more destruction occurs and you have a relapse.
Diagnosis is difficult and it generally takes some time
before the sufferer is sent off for lumbar puncture (positive sign in 90%
of cases), CT scan (generally normal) and MRI (magnetic resonance imaging)
which also shows lesions in 90% of cases.
There are many drugs used to treat MS, but none of them
will effect a “cure”. The mainstay is still corticosteroids (sometimes
called the Healing Hormone) and Beta Interferon is now being trialled
throughout the world.
There are no dietary additives which have been shown to
affect the outcome, but it has been shown that avoiding physical and
mental “stress” is beneficial in reducing the number of relapses.
Again, this is a disease that needs neurologist
specialist referral and often other specialist disciplines have to be
brought in to treat the results of MS effects on the eyes and kidney
function, for example.
Like all slow progressive diseases, a positive attitude does help and
hope that research will turn up the answer sooner, rather than later.
 Dear
Hillary,
Why is it that even well educated Thais who speak
English cannot put the last “s” sound on words? My girlfriend has been
to English classes for months, but still says “How” instead of House
and “Eye” instead of Ice.
Should I change the school she goes to or what? Your
advice, Ma’am!
Horace
Dear Horah,
Thai does not have an “ess” consonant at the end of
a word, so Thais do not see one, or say one, even in English. For the same
reason educated Farangs think they can speak Thai, use incorrect tones and
continue to make farcical mistakes. Lighten up and be less critical.
Ignore the pronunciation, relax with a scotch and soda and a little
“eye” and keep a happy “how”.
Dear Hillary,
I will soon be back in the beloved Kingdom for some
much needed rest and relaxation. I have discovered in my limited travels
in Thailand that I should be polite but plain spoken and to the point in
order to get exactly what I want. I have always had a brilliant time in
Thailand. Bearing that in mind I would put forth this straight forward
question. Some of the boys I consort with smoke a little marijuana. I
don’t, but I don’t mind if a few boys split a joint as long as they
don’t bring it to my room. That’s my little rule. A good Thai friend
of mine told me to stay away from the boys who are taking or offering
“ya ma”. He tells me that a farang could end up in the monkey house
over this drug. Please tell me what ya ma really is. I know most of the
others, but ya ma doesn’t ring a bell. I am not a drug user, but I am
curious about this drug and what the legal ramifications might be if a boy
brought one to my room unbeknownst to me and got caught somehow.
Paranoid and Anxious,
Jim
Dear Jim,
It is not paranoia to want to stay out of the monkey
house. Not a very healthy place to be, in fact suicide would have to be
considered as a more viable option to becoming an inmate. Firstly, farangs
have been locked up for possessing small quantities of marihuana. The
lucky ones get deported after paying a lot of money. Secondly, the drug Ya
Ba (which they used to call “ya ma” - horse pills) is amphetamine or
speed. Ya Ba literally means “crazy medicine” and you’d be crazy to
try it. It is a class One narcotic here, and it’s jail if caught. As
with other drugs, the seller frequently tips off the police and shares the
reward. Stay well away if you want to have a brilliant holiday. If you
want further encouragement, read, “Twelve Wasted Years” by Warren
Fellowes. This is a horrific story of the time he and his friend spent
inside, as a result of heroin trafficking.
Dear Hillary,
My wife and I are over here on holidays. We are having
a wonderful, relaxing time at the beach, but we notice everyone seems to
be late. Is this what the local’s here call “Thai time”? The clock
seems to confuse us as well. Can you help us ignorant tourists?
Rolex
Dear Rolex,
Yes, you are observant, no one is ever on time and this
is indeed called Thai time. To overcome confusion of the actual time of
day point to your watch and say ten nal-i-ga, that means 10 by the watch.
Better yet, do not arrange to meet any locals at a particular time. Do
things the Thai way, forget the watch, relax and have fun; Sanuk as they
say.
Dear Hillary,
I have been offered a 50% share in a beer bar, and the
price seems very reasonable (about ten thousand pounds sterling). The bar
does good business (especially with me around) but they do not keep books
the way we have to in the U.K., so all I have to go on is the number of
patrons - and that seems very good. How do I protect my investment, as it
looks like a wonderful way to retire over here? Are there any hidden
problems I should know about?
Lucky Lenny
Dear Lenny,
Not lucky for long, Lenny, this is a veritable
minefield. Not only a foolhardy retirement plan here, it is also the best
way that has ever been designed to lose ten thousand pounds sterling, or
more, within six months.
Of course there are no books kept, neither are Farang “partners”
kept for long. The “patrons” may have been just invited friends, that
is a common practice. Don’t even consider it. If you are still
skeptical, leave the Sterling at home and come over here for a six months
look-see. Do your own research and by that I do not mean just sitting
drinking in bars. Find out how many bars there are in Pattaya. How many of
them are well frequented? How many of them have farang owners or partners
who have been here for years? What makes you think you can run a
successful bar and what experience do you have? (Being a customer just
doesn’t rate.) Do you speak Thai, do you have a trusted Thai friend you
can trust with your life and your bank account? In that six months you may
be able to locate a trustworthy Thai lawyer to help you arrange documents
but that is really not much safeguard. As a bar owner you would become an
instant target for the powers that be for all sorts of over and under the
table payments. What you are suggesting is akin to taking the pin out of a
hand grenade and playing pass the parcel! Forget it Lenny and stay lucky!
GRAPEVINE
Christmas
spirits
A farang bar owner, who likes to be known as
AA, spent all Sunday afternoon placing white cotton wool, whetted with
spirit, on his gift laden Christmas tree to give the impression of
snow on the branches. It really did look nice. The new bar assistant
looked at him with admiration and enthusiasm. “You very good farang,”
she said, “you want to make sick tree better again.”...
Congratulations to the Beach Road bar which has for the third year
running hung out their suitably festive season banner which reads,
“Welcome US Navy 1995.” Word is they revel in the annual
publicity. Next year, we’ll print the name. Honest.
Rein in dear
A local transvestite cabaret performer,
cruelly nicknamed by his enemies as Mattress Lil, has refused to do a
dance routine tonight dressed in a Father Christmas uniform. The young
man, actually called Num, explained that it was not possible to look
beautiful on stage dressed in a long red cloak and beard, a furry hat
and hobnailed boots. He added that his real ambition was to go to
Blackpool in England where he had heard people like him were truly
valued in night club society. Subject to a visa, he had already been
offered the pantomime role of Widow Twanky which, he said, sounded
more like his cup of tea. However, he admitted he has not seen the
costume yet.
Amongst the best
The Penthouse hotel in Pattayaland soi two
has an extended breakfast buffet which lasts from 9.00 a.m. to 3.00
p.m. In fact, they don’t mind if early risers go twice in one day.
You can eat as much as you like for 135 baht and there is a very good
selection of hot and cold food, including particularly crispy bacon.
Residents and their guests pay the discounted rate of 99 baht net.
Readers in the know tell us that the hotel is good value for money and
the rooms are well appointed.
Can’t fault it
Fawlty Towers in soi seven offers a
Christmas day special of cream of asparagus soup or prawn cocktail,
roast English turkey and all the trimmings, Christmas pudding and
brandy sauce, cheese, mince pie and coffee with a liqueur of your
choice. Normal late booking price is 650 baht net, but take this
edition of Grapevine and you’ll be charged a most reasonable 600
baht, subject to availability.
Financial advice
Frenchman Claude de Brinon, a tourist from
Vichy, booked himself into an addiction clinic in Bangkok last week.
But his problem was not booze or gambling, but a fatal drive to abuse
his credit card. In three days, he had spent over 400,000 baht on
useless trinkets and car accessories even though he cannot drive.
After three days’ money aversion therapy (MAT), he said he felt much
better and now understood what a fool he had been. The crunch came
when he was checking out at the cashier’s desk. Visa refused to
honor the offered electronic payment for 54,360 baht as “the account
has exceeded the agreed limit.” |
More traffic
lights
One of the most dangerous junctions in South
Pattaya is where Soi 17 meets the new bypass road. It is a common
sight, especially at night, to see a pile up crash involving cars,
lorries and motorcycles. Drivers on both sides of busy Soi 17 become
frustrated with waiting whilst vehicles sometimes exceeding 80 kph
race down the main road. The question being debated in high circles is
whether full traffic lights would reduce or increase the accident
rate.
Success story of 1999
Although UBC satellite TV is still running
at a loss, the company appears to be on track to financial solvency in
a couple of years. Customer base is now well over 400,000 nationwide
which well exceeds the total prior to amalgamation with UTV and the
demise of Thai Sky in 1997. UBC fans say the company now has the best
selection of international programs in the south east Asia region,
outside of Japan that is.
New century date
From reader WS. A diary obsessed Russian guy
has just ordered this fabulously expensive foreign car with bullet
proof windows and the rest which is in very short supply indeed. The
dealer tells him that the earliest delivery date will be July 23 2002.
“Would that be in the morning or the afternoon?”, asks the wealthy
Muscovite. “What’s the difference?” retorts the dealer. “Well,
the plumber is due to come round that morning.”
Christmas cheer
Notice seen in a farang run bar in Soi
Yodsak. “Do not park on the pavement during the season of good will
or I’ll put you in hospital.”
Turkeys in Jomtien.
They didn’t all escape! Woaw’s Bar in
Jomtien is having Xmas turkey this year. Cooked by good ol’ Yankee
boy, Josh, drop in on the 25th. Woaw’s is on the run up to Dong Tal
Police station, just before Jomtien complex. KR Bar (opposite Jomtien
Plaza), Jomtien’s longest established watering hole, have 3 New
Year’s eve turkeys. Never mind soaring with the eagles, see in the
New Year tucking in to turkeys. Remember that Jomtien gets the New
Year 1.4 milliseconds before Pattaya. Don’t be late! |
Dining Out: The
Pig & Whistle - Eating in an English Pub
by Miss Terry Diner
A traditional name for a pub in England is ‘The Pig &
Whistle’. The actual origins of the name appear to be lost in antiquity, but
there is no getting away from the fact that the name is popular! Call up P&W
on the ‘net and you will find pubs of this name from Taipei to Vancouver to
South Africa. We also have one in Pattaya Soi 7, and it was there the Dining Out
Team visited last week.
Walk in the door and you are in a part of old England. Horse
brasses, old photographs, stuffed pheasants and a fireplace! Dark wood tables
and upholstered benches in booth style complete the picture. The d้cor
actually came predominantly from the UK, imported by the owner.
The Pig & Whistle calls itself your “Home away from
Home” and homeliness describes the atmosphere - very warm and inviting. The
staff are also very warm and friendly. There are also two chefs, who have come
from English restaurants, and the menu is certainly crammed full of authentic
British dishes.
It begins with breakfast (an all day one, too) ranging
between Cornflakes at 50 baht, all the way to the P&W special with eggs,
sausages, bacon, mushroom, fried potato, tomato, baked beans and fried bread at
135 baht. Chunky soups are next at B 80 with tomato and meatball, Dutch pea,
kidney bean and chicken on offer.
From there it is into the mains with a good selection of 20
items all the way from eggs, chips and beans and sausages at B 100, through
chicken and chips and peas for B 150, home made pies (steak and kidney, chicken
and mushroom) at B 185 through to the most expensive item, imported NZ lamb
chops at B 300.
Next section is sandwiches and burgers, between B 60-100.
These are followed by roast dinners, beef, pork or chicken, complete with
Yorkshire pudding and stuffing plus vegetables around B 165. Thai food is next
with another 20 items, B 45-85 covering stir fries, omelettes and curries. If
that is not enough, there is a changing daily blackboard special. Enough for
anyone.
Madame ordered the roast pork which came with sage and onion
stuffing, Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, carrots, peas, apple sauce and
gravy; while I went for that evening’s blackboard special of gammon steak, two
eggs, chips and peas.
While we were waiting, happily having house wine and Singha
Gold, the happy waitress brought over the container with condiments, plus HP
sauce, Heinz malt vinegar and tomato sauce. The food arrived on large oval
glazed dishes and there was certainly enough on them. Madame was satisfied with
her roast and the gammon steak was very nice, eggs just as I like them, and I
threw lashings of vinegar on my chips! In fact I enjoyed my peas so much I
picked the last ones off the place mat and ate them too.
Madame backed up for desserts, cleaning up a plate of apple
pie and ice cream, but I was too full to have another morsel.
The Pig & Whistle has positioned itself towards the lower
end of the price market and is very popular with family groups who often eat
there before moving on to other places of entertainment. Certainly, on that
evening there were several folk tucking into the pies.
So what did the Team make of the Pig and Whistle? The atmosphere is great and
the food is good. It is obvious why in one year this pub has earned a good
reputation. If you enjoy the British cuisine you should give this place a try.
Animal Crackers: Here,
Kitty, Kitty!
by Mirin MacCarthy
Cats are natural hunters. Even our well fed domestic pets
frequently have the embarrassing habit of presenting us with mauled prey.
If you think as I do, that every creature has a right to
life without being chewed and tortured to death, then victim rescue becomes
tantamount. However, what do you do with a punctured lizard, bitten bird or
a squeaking rat?
First, separate cat and victim. Grab the cat by the back
of the neck with one hand and force its jaws open with the other hand and
victim should fall on the floor. Do not let go of the cat, who will be less
than pleased, and promptly lock it in the bathroom. Drop a small towel over
the victim and put it in a cardboard box with a shallow bowl of water. Leave
the box in a warm dark place for two hours, and not the same bathroom as the
cat. Meanwhile release cat, tell cat it is very clever and feed it a treat.
Hopefully it will depart in a huff before the two hours are up.
Birds need immediate help if they are to be saved, they
can die of shock let alone multiple puncture wounds. After the two hours,
take the box into the light. If the bird starts fluttering around, it has
every chance of being O.K. If so, release it outside. If it just sits there
all fluffed up there is a high percentage chance it is injured and will die,
though some surprise you and pull through after a few days.
Shocked and injured birds need warmth and liquid. If you
decide to nurse the poor thing, keep it warm and undisturbed, with three
quarters of the container covered. Replace its bowl of bread and warm water
daily. It will let you know within a week if it will make it in the great
outdoors again.
Lizards, geckoes, tokays and frogs need basically the
same handling method. Separating victim from Jaws and placing in a
container, taking care not to get bitten yourself. If you can, put on rubber
gloves and grasp the wriggler around the neck. The holding time is a few
days, not hours, in these cases.
Most reptiles will eat small amounts of beef mince or
canned cat food, anything but not fish. They need humidity, so add a large
flat bowl of warm water. Remember to keep the light on during the day and
off at night. After four days of eating and drinking in some bathroom other
than yours, then release them outdoors.
Rats and mice are another problem, because they can carry all sorts of
diseases. I suggest giving the poor unfortunate rodent a sporting chance.
Donning rubber gloves, place it in a bag and carry it to some far away
rubbish bin or bush to take its chances!
Auto Mania:
Wolfsburg in retrospect
by Dr. Iain Corness
Autotrivia Quiz
Last week we asked who built the VeeDub immediately after
WWII. The answer was not the Black Forest elves, but the British Army! Yes,
the Brits got the factory up and running as part of the post war rebuilding
of Germany package. The boss of the outfit was a Major Ivan Hirst, so far
from being a German resurgence, all the VeeDub enthusiasts should be
thanking Major Hirst, rather than Dr. Porsche! So there!
So let’s stick with VW for the quiz again this week...
(after all, Hawaii Pete and co. will have been researching VW all week!) By
what name was the original VW Beetle publicised? It was in 1938, and as an
additional clue, it was political. First correct entry to be faxed to 427
596 or emailed to [email protected] wins the FREE beer for this
week. Hint: it wasn’t Volkswagen. Best of luck!
First Blood to Schumi
This month saw the annual “Stars” charity Karting
event in Koln in Germany. The event was to raise money for UNESCO and the
World Champion elect for the year 2000 won the 3rd and 4th heats and went on
to win the final. Who was it? Herr Schumacher the elder, of course!
Following him home was Rubens Barichello to send a chill wind up the
respective kilts of the Stewart/Ford/Jaguar team. Mind you, if I remember
rightly, Johnny Herbert won the thing last year and whilst grabbing a couple
of podiums was never in the running for the top prize.
 Duryea,
circa 1896
Schumi was his usual modest self, saying, “Today we
finished first and second. When we achieve the same results next season too,
we will be satisfied. When I will finish the Championship in the same way, I
will be happy too.” I’m sure he will!
Wolfsburg in retrospect
Having got into the VW mode, let’s look a little
further at this marque. VW has one of the greatest public support bases in
the world. VW owners gave the Beetle cult status and probably rightly so.
However, it was not an easy birth for VeeDub.
Following Dr. Ferdinand Porsche being given the design
brief to produce a “People’s Car” in the early 1930s, he set about the
task with enthusiasm. Unfortunately his enthusiasm was not matched by the
German auto industry who were mainly interested in expensive vehicles for
the rich. Many obstacles were put in the way, but the first “real” car
was finally completed on July 3rd, 1938.
By the commencement of the war in 1939, a factory had
been built, some fifty odd cars had been made, but none had been delivered
to private owners.
The hostilities (what a wonderful euphemism for
“war”) saw the factory producing, instead of cars, mainly two military
vehicles. One was a jeep called the Kubelwagen and the other an amphibious
beast called the Schwimmwagen. 50,788 Kubelwagens and 14,276 Schwimmwagens
were produced in that time, but Beetle production still only numbered 630.
(By the way, there is a Kubelwagen running around Pattaya!)
After the war, the Allied Investigation Team decided that
the Beetle had no commercial future, showing once again the real value of
“committee” decisions. The adage, a camel is a horse designed by a
committee is so true! However, as a form of occupational therapy, with the
help of the British under the command of Major Ivan Hirst, a start was made
on clearing up the factory, repairing British army jeeps, and constructing
jeep engines. Machines were taken out of storage, and the first two post-war
Beetles were finally built by hand.
Under the Brits, the construction of Beetles continued,
mainly supplied to the Allied military as part of the reparations, or to
German Utilities such as the Post Office.
The next major step for VW was the gradual hand back to
the Germans of the car making plant. Heinrich Nordhoff, a brilliant
engineer, took over as Managing Director. He continued to inject enthusiasm
into the workers, repair assembly lines and under his guidance, the
production of VW Beetles just took off, reaching 2,500 Beetles per month
coming off the lines by the end of 1947.
Shortly after, the Pon brothers in Holland took an
interest in the fledgling company’s product and the first export market
for VW was formed.
From a somewhat shaky start, the car which eventually
sold 21 million units and made an indelible mark on the world, had arrived.
It is a tribute to the grit and determination of many that it did survive.
There is no motorist anywhere that Volkswagen has not touched in some way.
Or perhaps that should read, there is no motorist that has not been hit by a
VW in some way!
Autotrivia
Its been a bit of a German feature this week so let’s
look at what the other English language newspaper with a motoring column
thought was hot news a couple of weeks back.
In an article called “technology” they waxed lyrical
about an experimental research SL Mercedes Benz with joystick control
instead of a steering wheel. Said joystick also controls braking and
acceleration. It was interesting to note that the test vehicle was also
fitted with a conventional steering wheel on the other side, which came
complete with second pilot! The ultimate insurance!
Designed initially by Fokker Control systems (famous for
“This Fokker’s a Mescherschmidt” in WWII) it has been further
developed by M-B and is being touted in the article as being at the cutting
edge of today’s technology.
Moving the joystick from side to side turns the car,
while pressure fore and aft applies acceleration or brakes. How new! How
ground breaking! How radical!
Unfortunately, this article is a classic example of what
happens when you use syndicated stuff, without checking too much. Gentle
readers, may I introduce the “new” 1896 Duryea.
This little dream buggy featured a control “tiller”
which combined the functions of steering, gear shift and throttle. Swinging
the tiller left or right turns the car while movement up and down shifts the
gears. A twist of the handle controls acceleration. The tiller shaft even
telescopes in and out for ease of entry and exit from the vehicle. It also
had sliding belt transmission, seen again many years later as the DAF
Variomatic!
In 1896 they were advertising the Duryea as being a blend of old and new
technologies. So, I think M-B and Mr. Fokker had better rethink, or
advertise this latest creation as a “blend of VERY old and new
technologies”!
Fitness Tips:
Christmas tip
by David Garred,
Club Manager Dusit Resort Sports Club
G’day Pattaya and Merry Christmas, I hope you all have
a wonderful day tomorrow, the health & happiness of both you and your
family is equally as wonderful and that Santa Claus is very good to you.
I am currently at home, in Newcastle, Australia, and I am
eating, drinking and making merry to excess. That is there not as a tease to
you readers but a testimonial for my tip this week.
You, all of you, have been working extremely hard for the
past 12 months, putting in enormous hours of effort on the job and into all
other facets of your life.
Enough, take time out to relieve the stress of every day
living, this time of year is commonly referred to as silly season; go silly,
it’s fun.
Stop worrying about work, it will still be there when you
go back and thinking about it now won’t do a single thing to help. Whereas
going back at it with a fresh outlook after a well-deserved rest will help.
Don’t you dare concern yourself with the amount or the
types of traditional food and drinks that you put into yourselves, let
yourselves enjoy it - you have worked hard enough to deserve the indulgence.
Give both your brain and body a break, enjoy yourself and
spend some quality time with the people you love.
Enjoy yourself and put a smile back on your face, by far
and away the greatest tip that I can give you at a time such as this.
Carpe’ Diem
Copyright 1999 Pattaya Mail Publishing Co.Ltd.
370/7-8 Pattaya Second Road, Pattaya City, Chonburi 20260, Thailand
Tel.66-38 411 240-1, 413 240-1, Fax:66-38 427 596; e-mail: [email protected] |
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