That’s entertainment

Some of Pattaya’s finer hotel’s frown on overnight guests in the bedrooms, especially if a non returnable deposit is absent. A security officer telephoned room 516 in the middle of the night: “Excuse me, sir, but are you entertaining a young lady in your room?” The tourist thought for a moment and replied, “Just a minute and I’ll ask her.”

All tied up

An airline stewardess, based in Bangkok, had an unusual arrangement with her husband before she left on short trips. To satisfy his penchant for bondage, she would leave him tied up and naked in the bedroom wardrobe, returning to release him after the six hours return trip to Singapore. The problem arose when her return flight was delayed for twenty hours. She had no option but to telephone the authorities in Thailand who broke into the flat and rushed him to hospital. He became so agitated in the ambulance that he had to be strapped down. Lucky husband.

Mushy peas

The best pies and pastries, north of England style, are at M and M on Soi Sangchai, the Soi after the Viking Hotel on South Pattaya Road. They also make suet puddings and real Lancashire hot pots. If you are living with one gas ring, they also cater for parties and can deliver to your door.

The flesh is weak

An 82 year old man was on holiday in Pattaya and dozing in his hotel room on Second Road. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and an attractive Thai girl entered. “I’m sorry,” she said in perfect English, “I must have the wrong room.” He replied, “No, you have the right room but you are 30 years too late.”

Curry mile

There are some excellent Indian restaurants in Pattaya, although for the most part they lack a party atmosphere. Maybe they should take a leaf out of a Bangkok curry house on Sukhumvit Road which calls its piped music tapes, “Top of the Poppadoms.”

Very considerate

A farang and his girlfriend checked into a cheap hotel in Soi Yamoto. The Englishman said, “You sure stayed in the shower a long time and I hope you left some hot water for me.” The girl replied, “Sure, I left it in the cup next to the shampoo.”

In loco parentis

A US supreme court has allowed the government to enforce a new law which requires cable TV operators to block completely sex-oriented channels to non subscribers. The law was passed after thousands of American parents complained that their children could still hear love moans and bad language even though the channels were supposedly scrambled.

Insurance hazard

Brokers are warning farangs against driving cars and motor bikes on roads which are useable but not yet fully completed. If an accident happens, you probably will not be covered by your policy.

Valuable receipt

When instructing your bank back home to transfer funds to your Thai bank account, make sure you are sent a copy of the documentation. If you are thinking of applying for a retirement visa, it provides evidence that your cash came from overseas and was not earned by working illegally.

Bad lip

An African MP has been fined for biting off the upper lip of a fellow politician during a meeting called to remove internal conflict amongst members of the ruling party. The injured man’s lawyer told the court, “My client is not about to be bad mouthed by anyone and is looking for damages with teeth.”