Beware of the dog

One of the area’s hospitals has put up notices which make you think twice as you enter for your liver transplant. One says, “Guard dogs are operating here twenty four hours a day.” Another, next to the mortuary, warns, “There is no exit this side.”

Hand signal

Police in Rayong suspected the worst when they saw a hand hanging from the boot of a speeding car. Stopping the vehicle, officers gingerly opened the rear compartment. Inside was the driver’s wife who was hiding in the car to spy on her cheating husband.

Chilling thought

An American bishop has attacked Pattaya as a moral cesspit, Sodom’s answer to the next century and so on. He should look closer to home. With Charles Manson CDs and Wayne Gacy paintings doing brisk business in the United States, every no-talent hack over there could decide that mass murder is the perfect career move.

Multiple entry visas

The government has agreed to introduce multiple entry visas for foreign businessmen which could be valid for several years. A list of qualifying commercial enterprises is being drawn up, but will likely include multi-nationals, the tele-communications industry and banks jointly operated with foreigners. These new visas are not aimed at arm benders in the bars and small investors.

Sharp practice

A very drunk farang tripped up and sprained his ankle as he was leaving his favorite bar. He was rushed to a local surgery where a foreign doctor assured him, “Nothing to worry about, just a little prick with a needle”. The reluctant patient replied, “Yes I know what you are, but what exactly are you going to do?”

Germany calling

A Bangkok bar, said to be a hangout for the ever diminishing band of ex SS men, is set to introduce cocktails called Lord Haw Haw, Axis Sally and Tokyo Rose, all of whom were radio propagandists in the Third Reich and in Japan. Holocaust denial literature is also on sale, the sort which is banned in parts of Europe. Probably not a coincidence that a party scheduled for April 20 just happens to be the anniversary of Hitler’s birthday.

TV muddle

Although TV schedules in the newspapers are more accurate than last year, you may notice that Star Plus is always wrong. The problem is that there are two Star Plus channels available in Thailand, each with completely different programming. One is beamed from India, not currently scrambled, and the other from Hong Kong available only on subscription. All newspapers in Thailand currently carry the India schedules.

Litter bug

A Russian tourist was last week hauled off to the police station, kicking and screaming, when he refused to answer officers’ questions about a cigarette end he dropped in defiance of the new anti-litter law. After a two hours cooling off period, he at length produced his Muscovite’s guide to Pattaya which said, “Do not speak to strangers in uniform as they may be robbers posing as members of the security services.”

Snake bite

The British general election campaign threatens to be venomous with poisonous rumours about closet gay cabinet ministers and scandals in the boardroom. But nothing as reptilian as in Semarang, Indonesia, where pythons and snake charmers will be hired on May 29 to discourage anti-government demonstrators from disrupting the general election there.