Dear Hillary,
I was raised to be very polite and to apologize for anything I have done wrong.
Half the time I don’t even know why I apologize. Its become a reflex. I think
maybe its because I want to make everything OK, even if its at my own expense.
My husband, who is usually very polite and calm, suddenly began to scream at me
on the street the other day. Aghast, I nearly tripped and fell right there and
said my usual “I’m sorry”. He got so angry at me, he shouted at me to cease my
non-stop apologizing. He told me it gives him the impression that he makes me so
nervous that the smallest imperfection sends me into a fit of self-hatred. I do
not understand why my politeness drives him crazy.
Polite
Dear Polite,
Your husband is right. Are you apologizing for being yourself? I’ve heard women
apologize for sending back food they did not order in a restaurant, and others
express their opinion as, “I’m sorry, but I don’t agree”. Men are often
frustrated by this because they want you to feel free to do as they do.
Try to regret nothing. You are not really sorry you’ve had a past, tried to
reveal his most adorable habits, wanted to look ahead or tried to help him to do
better, are you? I hope not. Because even though these annoying little habits
get under his skin, he loves you for them. Men would rather see women be happy,
angry, reflective, or funny. Anything but sorry. Because its fishing for
reassurance. Quirks like these, I believe, send the message that men and women
have bugged and bothered each other since time began and probably always will.
You love your husband for being who he is, “so like a man”, just as he loves you
for being you - “so like a woman”.
Dear Hillary,
I’ve always been shy, and for quite a while I had a boyfriend who used to
undermine my confidence in my appearance. Now I am married (to another man) but
still believe I look very dull. I am too fat. I wish I had thin thighs and
knockout legs, a pert little nose and one of those toothpaste advert smiles.
Many times I think that people are not interested in me and whenever I compare
myself to other women I feel terrible. What can I do to change my looks and
become more attractive?
Dull
Dear Dull,
It saddens me to see people tearing themselves apart. You should always be able
to find something about yourself to be happy with. You can start by realizing
that you must have a fairly balanced view of yourself. Some days you feel
attractive and others not so great. It depends on what you are doing, who you
are with and how late you were out the night before.
You should be less concerned with looks than personality. If someone is not
interested in getting to know you because they think you are unattractive, then
its their problem. You shouldn’t care less. But if someone thinks you are boring
and lack a sense of humor, you should begin to worry. If someone doesn’t like
you for who you are, they aren’t worth getting to know anyway.
I do believe that looks are important in some ways. You should pay extra
attention to them, especially for first impressions, but most people admire
individuality in a person.
It always seems that people who appear more attractive may seem to have more
fun. In reality, they just believe in themselves more. Try to have more
confidence in yourself.
