Dear Hillary,
Is the girl serious? I have been to Pattaya three times and I have been with the same girl every time. I am 36 and she is 27 and she has been working in the bar for about nine months. She asked me that next time I come to Thailand she wants me to go to her home near Chaiyaphum to meet her family. Is that a sign that she wants to have a serious relationship with me or does she have other motives?
Papa D

Dear Papa D,
Open your wallet and say after me, “Help yourself!” You have now joined the bar girls retirement benefit fund. So help me! You have been to Pattaya three times and met a lovely young lady of 27 who has only worked in the bar for nine months, and you are wondering is this paragon of virtue (other than the last nine months or so) wants to have a serious relationship with you. Give me strength! You hardly know this woman and she hardly knows you, other than the fact you paid well last time. Is this what you base “serious relationships” on? She has serious designs on your bank account Papa D my unsuspecting Petal, that’s all that is happening here. I suggest that instead of losing your money to the 27 year old (and probably much older if truth ever be known) from Chaiyaphum, you just donate it to your favorite charity, or buy me several cases of French champagne, and then climb back under your rock again.

Dear Hillary,
Why does Thailand censor the watching of wildlife on the internet? I wanted to watch an eagle catch its prey on a video clip and Thailand wouldn’t allow it. Now, I know they won’t let me get the US lottery results and other stuff, but wildlife? Seen Hangover 2 in Bangkok? No problem with that here even on TV. Have the censors been in a go-go/Patpong? Ugghh.
Jerry S.

Dear Jerry S.,
You have me a little perplexed, Petal. What is this eagle clip that you say is banned in Thailand? And Hangover 2? You’ve lost me. I’ve just been watching Yak and cheering for Hanuman. I think you should restrict yourself to General Exhibition movies only.
Dear Hillary,
Please save me from the choppy swirling seas of desire. Either that or throw me a life jacket so I can enjoy the ride. You see, I think I arrived in Thailand 30 years too early. Sure I like the food, the lovely people and the cute way they slip 10 green chillies into my green papaya salad just for a laugh. But I look around and feel inadequate. Where’s my barely legal wife? Where’s my previous marriage experience? Where are my offshore assets, my pension, my triple bypass? Am I a bit immature for all this?
I must confess... After a couple of badly needed light refreshments, I accidentally found myself a really good girlfriend. She is steadily dissolving every reason I have to do a runner (although I still have a few up my sleeve). I’m not completely afraid of commitment, it could be a wonderful thing. But if I give up on the Dream, how will I ever write the chapter of my life titled “The fork of tragedy comes with a spoon of hope”? I could spend my retirement writing books and lecturing farang newbies on the subtle differences between love and sex.
I can still ditch her, go home, work hard, get a big mortgage, a big car, and a bigger bald spot. And in 30 years time, if all goes well, the Dream will be mine. It will won’t it?
Naive Nick

Dear Naïve Nick,
I am sorry I have taken all this time to reply to your heartfelt letter, but it got lost under unimportant papers on my desk. There are those of particularly churlish nature who would say all the papers on my desk are unimportant, but not so. One day, they will be worth real money! But enough of the excuses. Mathematics would indicate that you are in your mid-thirties, and have become bedazzled with your life here in sunny Thailand. You are wondering if the Dream could be a reality, and a reality ‘now’! This is the problem with you young bucks. Instant gratification is your goal, and that includes the dreams of the future. You should continue to write your life’s story, my Petal, but it needs you to experience it, with all the highs and lows, to give the opus any real depth. You need to “go home, work hard, get a big mortgage, a big car, and a bigger bald spot.” That is your destiny Nick. You need that so that in 30 years you can compare that life with your dream. And don’t despair if your dream changes over the three decades. Remember the Buddhist example which tells you that ‘All of life is change’ so you should not expect the Dream to be as it appears now. Let the girl down gently and hop on that plane, Nick. You can overcome that “fork of tragedy”!