And now for something completely different…

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A financial glossary

“Investors back historic Greek debt swap”

– FT headline 9.3.2012.

Bank, n. Bottomless cavity in the ground that sucks in money and the unwary.

I had quite a bit of money but then I put it in the bank.

Bond, n. A profitless contrivance used for catching the gullible or feeble-minded.

That pension fund is 100% in bonds now.

Broker, adj. A comparative descriptive state for a client of a Wall Street bank.

He didn’t exactly have a lot of money before he started dealing with Goldman Sachs. Now he’s even broker.

Bubble, n. Fundamental prerequisite for a functioning Anglo-Saxon economy.

We need a new bubble to replace the ones we had in dotcom and property.

Central Bank, n. Lobbyist for commercial banks well versed in alchemy.

Currency, n. Largely intangible substance with an inherent property that tends to instantaneous evaporation, the destruction of life and the permanent impairment of wealth.

I had money once but then I exchanged it for currency in a moment of madness.

Default, n. Semi-mythical celestial occurrence that passes by Earth every 76 years.

I was worried for a second about that Greek default, but I realise there’s nothing to see now and all is well.

Federal Reserve, n. A wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman Sachs.

The Federal Reserve voted to give a few more billion dollars to Wall Street.

Greece, n. An undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally but results in harm, injury, damage and colossal loss of wealth. And profits for Goldman Sachs.

Did you see Greece? Sheesh.

Horlick, n. Progressive and insufficiently appreciated investment visionary.

House, n. In most countries, simply a place to live. In Britain, a theoretically infinite source of perpetual tax revenue for deluded Lib Dems.¹

(¹This is tautological. – Ed.)

Investor, n. Plucky protagonist admired for brave deeds and quixotic struggling who is about to get shafted by Wall Street interests.

I was an investor in euro zone sovereign bonds but then everything went Greek.

Japan, n. Where hopes of profit go to die.

Keynes, n. Slang: Vulgar. Disparaging and offensive.

That joker Posen is a complete Keynes.

Politician, n. Someone better informed than you about how to spend your money.

Ratings Agency, n. A professional entertainer who amuses by relating absurd and fantastical tales.

That ratings agency’s credit assessment was so funny, I had to change my trousers.

Restructuring, n. Statutory rape.

Those bondholders are undergoing a voluntary restructuring – you might even call it a ‘credit event’.

Rogue Trader, n. Unprofitable proprietary trader. (Hat-tip to Killian Connolly.)

Society, n. The process whereby wealth is diverted from taxpayers to banks.

Taxpayer, n. Simple-minded dolt too foolish to be working for the government.

US Government, n. Another wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman Sachs.

We seem to be running out of Goldman Sachs alumni here in the Treasury. No, wait, we’ve still got hundreds of ‘em.

The above data and research was compiled from sources believed to be reliable. However, neither MBMG International Ltd nor its officers can accept any liability for any errors or omissions in the above article nor bear any responsibility for any losses achieved as a result of any actions taken or not taken as a consequence of reading the above article. For more information please contact Graham Macdonald on [email protected]